Monday, February 18, 2013

Love...Life...Relationships...Battles...


I was willing to give my all...
But you were willing to make me fall...
Now I stand here strong and tall...
While you watch as you lose it all...
-Love Me

Love is truly blind. It does not see age, nor color, nor anything else. It just simply is. -- Sometimes you may find yourself falling for someone you least expected. That is how love is. It is not a number, it is not a color, it is not anything but simply love; one of the greatest feelings in the world.

We can't help what our hearts feel and what our minds think. We can fight it all we want but that won't change what is. Just don't let it run your life. That's all I can tell you on that one. -- When you feel something, embrace it and enjoy it. But don't let it consume you and affect your life from day to day where the smallest wrong thing said can make a bad day. 

Some days are harder than others but if I can keep my mind on the positives, everything will be ok. Unfortunately my mind does not know what to do and my heart does not know what to feel. That is the battle within... -- Sometimes you may find yourself riding that roller coaster of life and it may seem like this particular day is much harder than the rest. Allow yourself a moment to think about the reason this may be and then learn from it and move on keeping in mind that you can and you will. Positive thinking is key.
I guess by now we should face the facts that there are some things in life we will never have no matter how bad we want them. -- You ever wish for a fairytale love story of your own? Keep dreaming if you expect it to be anything like what you see in the movies. While we can all have our own fairytales, it will be uniquely ours. And when it's our turn it will be amazing. 

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. -Ellen Burstyn -- This speaks volumes to myself personally. I was always afraid of being alone when I grew up. I was never the popular kid in school. I had my select friends and that's how I liked it. I like to build relationships with people, I care about them and give of myself completely. I was also this girl that a lot of boys would say is ugly and I mean that. I don't know how many times I could meet someone and so long as they didn't now what I looked like, they were happy to talk to me. They would insist they would be different from everyone else, which I knew all to well they wouldn't but if they really must know then what the heck, and so I would allow them to see me and of course I Would hear those same words "you're ugly" that I always would hear. So naturally I expected to never be loved by others and my dream of a family would never happen. But once I found someone twice, both times I was hurt and my most recent as you can see, has been a battle every day. And I never felt so alone in my entire life, not even when I really was alone. Just goes to show that being alone isn't as lonely as it may seem.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-tzu -- Moving forward in your life from such a hard time can be difficult. It may seem like it's the longest journey you will ever take. But to just begin that journey is key and it only takes one single step to do so.

I've always been afraid of losing the people I love. Sometimes I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid to lose me. -- These words could not feel more real to me. It goes back with the whole fairytale thing. You see, you hear of people who love so much and you long for that same feeling. For someone to care so much about you that they would chase after you or that they are afraid of losing you. It's that need to be loved as much as you love the ones in your life.

Stop looking for a partner. Focus on your goals and rebuilding your life. The right person will eventually find there way to you. -- This too is so true. Since turning my life around in the right direction, making that choice to make the changes needed to be where I want to be, I have found that I personally am so much happier. I don't even wish to have anyone by my side but to just be me and with that I have found so many people finding me who want me in their life because of who I am. And I didn't even have to look. The hard part is knowing, believing, and doing this. We preach it but hardly do. I finally found my strength to do and with it I found so much love and happiness from many.

Sometimes you have to run from the people you love, not for the sake of letting them realize your worth, but for you to realize your own worth. -- You have to know your own worth in order for someone to value you. If you don't know, you allow them to treat you with less, and it can bring you down. Know your worth. I know I've finally realized mine and I wont take less than what I deserve and neither should you.

And my final thoughts on others in our lives:
If they truly care, they will make the effort no matter how busy they are.
We build walls to protect ourselves but sometimes someone comes along who manages to squeeze through a tiny crack in that wall and win us over. Once they have us, they stop trying and we end up caring too much while they care too little and we suffer in silence. But after a while, we become numb and when that happens, the opportunity (though we don't realize it) for another better individual to come along, opens up and before your know it, your heart skips a beat for another and the cycle starts all over again. One of these times, that individual will be the right one and in the meantime you learn what you do and do not want and how to be more picky in your decision of who to spend your time and your life with. The journey to that point though, is one of the hardest you will ever travel.

-Amanda Kay

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Love

Love...aside from what we feel for our children, how do we truly know if we love someone in such a way that we should try to spend our lives with them? Love is like a fairly tale really. How often does anything in a relationship really happen the way we wish it to. Sure I'm being down about this but, to me, the way I see it...there comes a time in life when we must accept and face the fact that there are some things in life that we will want but will never have or experience no matter how bad you want them. 

I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a love out there aside from the love one has for family and friends. I personally love so many people. But others wouldn't call it love. But the love I wish to feel for another and from another, I do not believe I have yet to feel. The closest thing to it was my first love who is now one of my best friends. But I just want to be single. I want to be me and be happy and not worry about love. But yet I yearn to feel loved by another. To have that companionship. To have someone who will text me or call me just because or someone who will chase after me when I'm upset and took off versus just letting me go. All these fairy tale things. Sure they say, if he loves you he will make the effort, but how often does anyone really make the effort. 

So I say this...give me a place to live and give me true friends and I will bring the happiness. 

You are currently on my mind.

-Amanda Kay

Take Your Life Back

I'm making changes in my life for the better for several reasons. One - for my kids as they only deserve the best. Two - because I'm tired of the negativity and what it does to me. Three - because I miss me and I'm ready to get her back. Four - because I much prefer happiness to misery. Five - because I'm going places with my life and family and I don't need anyone holding me back. The reasons go on. One should never have to dread going home each day or dread the fact that a weekend of approaching and even more so when the weekend ahead is 3 days versus the normal 2. One should not have to live in fear of the day that the one person they live with will snap on them. Or that their children will grow up seeing bad and feeling the negativity all the time. 

The life I have lived the past 4 years is nothing like me. I'm one person when I'm not at home - the me I've always been. And then I'm someone else when I'm home - someone I dislike and would never choose to be. And so I started making changes all those months ago. Changes for the better. This year is going to be my year. Things are happening and falling into place. I'm not the same person I once was. I now what I deserve, I know what I want, and I will fight for my rights. I will not allow this to continue any longer. My search is proving difficult but I will succeed. I have friends and I have family and I have my three beautiful children and those things push me forward each and every day. 


Sure it could have been worse. He could have physically abused me every day. But that does not make the verbal abuse and the few times he did get physical, any less painful or real or any easier to deal with. Abuse is abuse and no one should ever have to go through it. I often ask myself what I saw in him when I met him but then I look at how he is with other people. He's not the real him. He puts on a show for everyone. But behind closed doors, he's a monster who has done his best to ruin my life. But he will not succeed. I will stand tall and strong and I will get through this. 


-Amanda Kay