People Change, or Do They?

It's been a little while since I've written here. I have many things to say however life gets busy and things happen that you don't expect and well you just end up not getting to it. Or you also have things to say that have nothing to do with the whole reason you finally started this thing in the first place. 

So like I said, It's been a while!

People always tell you they will change. But not till they are losing everything they thought they would never lose. You see, sometimes what it takes to get people to realize the severity of the situation is to basically lose all. The problem is, sometimes this occurs too late because like in my own situation you wait and you wait and you wait for that right moment hoping that in the end you wont have to go through with it. And then when you do, it's a sad day for all including yourself because you prayed so much, tried so hard and did everything you possibly could to save the relationship. But no matter what you said or did or whatever, you just couldn't get through to that person and when only one person tries, you really just get no where. 

Once it's said and done and that person realizes that you were serious, you never expect them to change. I mean people say that all the time but most every time in the end they change temporarily and then they go back to their old ways again before you know it or as soon as they have you back. 

You know, I always wondered if I would ever meet someone who cared enough about me that they would chase after me if I left. The problem is, I never thought anyone would. I for sure never would have expected the one person who made it so clear they didn't like me from day one, would be that person to chase after me. The one person I didn't want to chase after me did. Now I can't say that this person did it because he cares. I mean we had a life together. 6 long years, one beautiful little girl and two children who have grown up thinking this man is their daddy. But this person did chase after me even though I didn't want him to. And he did say that he would change as people often say when they are losing everything they had. But would he really change, did he really change? 

We moved back in together and still share a home. Just signed a new lease even because it was sign a lease or move and I just wasn't finding anything I wanted or that would work for us. Do I believe that he will or has changed? I can't really say at this point. But here's what I can say. I'm not the same person I was before. I will not put up with anything I do not have to. I am better than what he made me feel I was. I can take care of myself. I do not need him. And if he does even one thing wrong, he will be gone permanently. Now, what has he done since then? Well, he's changed. Will he stay changed? Only the future can tell. The difference between the past and now though is that I've learned from my experiences and he knows how serious I am. He knows that I WILL NOT put up with the way he was before. No one deserves to be treated that way and I will not allow it to happen again. 

I cannot say that I still love him. I cannot say that I ever will again. But we can occupy the same space without fighting and actually do things with the kids that we couldn't do before. All I can do is take each day as is comes. Now does this mean that every other person out there should follow in my footsteps? No it does not. It just simply gives them a look into something real and how things can turn out. People can go through hell and come out better than they were before. People can change. And things will get better. 

The important thing is to keep going. Never give up and learn from your experiences. Know that people make mistakes and don't always be so quick to give up because of it, instead work to fix it. Once you have exhausted all options then you do the one thing you don't want to do and that's let go. Even when it seems nothing will ever work for you. Look at me, every time something finally started to look up in the right direction, two or more bad things/set backs would occur in my life. It felt like a never ending ride where I was just stuck and could not get to where I needed to be. But look at me now. I'm going somewhere with my life and my kids are happy as am I. Good things do happen.

~Amanda Kay

A Past Expression In Writing

A weight that sits upon my chest!

    by Amanda Kay Lane on Monday, October 1, 2012 at 11:25pm

There are a lot of things that I used to let affect my view towards people. It's not how it sounds but being truly hurt by a best friend or a family member can be hard to forget. I know one friend who I didn't talk to for years. And one day it hit me that my actions were stupid. He was my best friend. There's a few people that I've had incidences like this with. And here lately I guess I feel the need to reconcile those actions and relationships. It's hard to believe that even after ten years one can mend the crack in a friendship. And honestly this is somewhat what has been weighing on me heavily these past few days. It's hard for me to express my thoughts as even thinking about them causes a lump to form in my throat and tears to roll down my face. Not to mention the fact that many people will read this who I may not want to but this is my wall and I have a right to share what I want. Though a lot must go unsaid. Lately I have felt this strong need to write. Not only to new people because I've always loved writing and receiving letters, but to old friends. I've surprised one or two already with letters they didn't expect as they hadn't heard from me in well over ten years. But there is still many more left to write though one is more important than all of them as it is the one that affects me the most. The thought of finding a moment to myself to be alone with my thoughts to put the words on paper is a difficult one. You see, first of all the content is upsetting and second, time to myself is hard to come by. I never knew one could be in the presence of someone and yet feel so alone at the same time. I sometimes think about asking myself what I did wrong. I've always been this happy, loving, caring person, always there to help others and offer my assistance when needed. So what did I do wrong? I know I've made my mistakes but I've also asked for forgiveness. But maybe I'm not being forgiven because there are others I have not forgiven though I have said I have. I didn't mean to not really forgive them. But over time I've come to realize I never really let go and it's still affecting everyone. It's not my place to judge those for their wrong doings. I can forgive them with the help of one more powerful than all, but I have to allow him to guide me. Have I done this? I don't know. I would like to think so but I don't think I really have. I know every time I've had a very burdening question or situation, someone has shown up with the answer. But I haven't taken it much further than that. Maybe that's my problem. I can make time. Though I'm so incredibly busy and feel like I don't have the time for anything, I really honestly can make the time as I do for all things that must be completed in my life. What's one more thing to add to the schedule. Just pencil it into my calender as I do all things important because I can't even remember them if I don't. As I sit here writing this, tears roll down my face freely while at the same time I worry that someone will walk into the room and see me crying and who knows what words will escape their mouth at that moment. But do I have an answer? Not one that I want to give....I have this deep longing to do so many things involving people who have been in my life and should still to this day be in my life...I have a headache now. I'm going to bed....At least I have partially expressed my inner most thoughts.....

~Amanda Kay

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." -Anais Nin

Past (regrets/mistakes/obstacles), Present (who you are/have become), Future (what you will be through experience)

Have you ever wondered...could I just walk away and forget the past? 

When I began the day today and I checked my Facebook to see how my friends were doing this morning, I saw the above picture and caption posted by a dear friend of mine. The words really got me thinking. You see, most people when they read those words they think how true is that! Most everyone wishes they could change something from their past, forget something from their past or whatever other option may be asked. But in reality would you go through with it if it were really possible? Think of this before you answer: every past experiences help to mold us into the people we are today. I personally like to think I’m a nice person and while I may give you a go to hell look, it’s really just a cover up to keep people from trying to get close to me. But if I hadn't experienced all the things that I experienced, I may not have been such a nice person in the end and I may not have ever developed this go to hell look. We are who we are and every little thing from our past helped to make us who we are. Without them we just wouldn't be the same. So while you may wish to forget something from your past, you should really take all the knowledge it has to offer you and learn from it. Be happy in the amazing person you are today and that because of that past no matter what happened, you are who you are today. You stood tall and strong through every obstacle that God has placed in front of you and you have learned from it. You might also take from this that through your perseverance, you know that never giving up is possible and rewarding and that no matter what life throws at you now, you will always be just fine. Just look at me. Look at all that I have been through. But then look at the type of person I am. I love people, I love helping others, I love bringing joy to the faces of others and just being happy. I may appear as though I'm mean at first but in all reality it's my way of protecting myself, my heart from the possible pain. You see, I care too much and I love too much and too deep and I fall in love easily with the people in my lives. And because of those things, I get hurt easily so I tend to push people away to save myself from pain. That's what people like me do. We are the nicest, most caring people and we get hurt the most and so easily and so we push away. And all of this is because of our past. Past experiences mold us and teach us everything we know. 

~Amanda

February 23, 2013

That was the day it all changed. It's been 5 weeks since then and I honestly still feel lost in everything. He's done what I never imagined he would do. He's become the complete opposite of what he has ever been. He now takes me seriously, he knows I won't put up with anything from anyone any longer. And so I allow him to be around the children. He continues to prove himself but I can't help but wait for that moment when he will go back to his old ways. He's tried to change before in the past and never been successful. He's always said one thing and done another. But I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he has a good person inside him. The only problem is...he's trying to win me back. I don't know how to tell him that it's not what I want any more. Sure I could continue on this way should he choose to be the way he is being now, but I would still never have my full happiness because I just want to be alone with my children. I can't see the feelings I once had coming back. I will always care for and about him, but I cannot say nor do I think I ever will love him again. It's just been too long of the way it was. A person gets hardened by that type of treatment. 

I'm the type of person who loves people, loves being around others, love having friends, making friends and even having relationships with others. But at this point in my life...I just want to be me and my kids. And now I feel stuck. He's being good, I don't want to pay rent, but I don't want to be with him either. I just want to be happy. This is where you rely on God above to help guide you. That's where I'm at!

-Amanda Kay

Plans...

I never planned my life to be this way. After my last relationship failed...I promised myself I would not allow another to fail. I would not do anything to screw it up nor would I allow my partner to screw it up. I never planned to be married and divorced before I was 25. I never planned to be divorced ever in the first place. But things happen and we move on and face the facts of life and make the necessary adjustments and keep moving forward. Not matter what I told myself my next relationship wouldn't fail. And to sit here now and see how the last 6 years of my life has been...it's so hard. Some days are harder than others, especially being the beginning still (2 weeks in). I devoted myself to him. I loved him so much. I did everything to keep our relationship going. But at some point you must realize that, if the other person never tries, that it's going to end eventually. Not only that, but to be pushed away and hurt and disrespected and in front of your children...there is just no way that relationship will last. 

Today he asked a questions and I told him about the next tattoo I want to get. I want to get the music notes to the song Run by Pink wrapped around my ankle. I told him it's a song for my babies and he asked if he was one which in turn I asked him if I gave birth to him and he tells me that I brought smiles and laughter and happiness to his life which of course has set me off. For so long there has not been any smiles or laughter or even happiness in our home. And this saddens me even more because it shouldn't have been this way. I certainly didn't plan it this way nor did I work towards another failed relationship. 

I think it has really affected him but only time can tell that and I will still stand my ground and do what I need to do now and let a higher power guide me in the right direction. This is what I need to do. I cannot believe him as he's never kept his word before and he chose never to believe me and therefore this is how it has to be regardless of the fact that we just spent the last 6 years of our lives together. It's definitely true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. He's seeing it now. But now is too late. The love I once had is gone. All the years spent together almost feel like it was a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to explain. The feeling you have after spending so much time with someone in the way that we did for it to be like this in the end. So many times I cried myself to sleep because I dreaded what was coming. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Despite how he treated me, I dreaded hurting him because I knew that deep down in him there is a good person that he lost somewhere along the way. And I most certainly knew it would be difficult on my children and he thinks it's hard not seeing them every day like before, well imagine me having to listen to them cry sometimes because they want to see him and he's not there. So many different things that no one will ever truly know. My inner most thoughts and feelings. The things that cause the inner turmoil that I push aside until late at night when I can't sleep and I am alone in nothing but candle light with my computer. Life goes on. Things must be done. And this is how I deal. I bottle it up and wish and hope and pray and then let it all out on screen. It's a constant inner battle. But each day, I get up with a smile on my face, love my children and keep putting one foot in front of the other and push forward while I battle alone at night...

-Amanda Kay

The First Time

I can't say I honestly remember when it all started. You see, we started dating not long after my ex husband just abandoned my daughter and I while I was 8 weeks pregnant and my daughter just barely a 1 1/2 years old back in 2007. Those were sad times really. But I met this great guy who helped me through it and it kind of went from there. He was already great really. And in 2009 we decided to move in together. My kids loved him. My son at the time didn't know his biological father as he had never met him and my daughter barely remembered him because she was so young the last time she saw him, so to them, this was their daddy. Not long after we moved in together he started with the verbal. It wasn't bad really. It was just here and there from time to time and all other times were great. He was so appreciative of everything. He even thanked me for dinner each night with a kiss. Things were pretty good between us. 

The first time he ever hit me...I was pregnant with our daughter. I should have just left then but I was pregnant and not thinking straight and didn't know where I would go. But that night, it all started out stupidly. Every bit of abuse I ever endured from him was when he was drinking. This one particular night him and his nephews decided to play with this airsoft gun that was broken but still worked. It was someone elses turn but he wanted another turn and was not going to let them have the gun. He was only about a foot in front of me with the gun behind his back when it went off not 5 inches in front of my face. So you can imagine what it felt like when the pellet his my lip and busted my lip. And then imagine being pregnant while this is happening and then he just stands there like a dumb ass and looks at you. After everyone else has already ran to get you a napkin for your bleeding lip, he just looks at you and then finally asks if you're ok. Of course your not ok. Due to his stupidity you've been shot in the lip with an airsoft gun not five inches from your face and you're pregnant. Any number of other possibilities could have occurred with the tiny pellet  and you were lucky it was just your lip. And on top of that you are emotional from pregnancy and so when someone stands there like a dumb ass and then finally asks you if you're ok when you're fighting to hold back tears because of what happened, you can expect their response to not be the nicest thing in the world. Now all I said was "No you idiot, I'm not ok, I just got shot in the fucking face." But that's all it took to set him off at that time. He grabbed me by the arm and said we're leaving all because I called him an idiot in front of his family. He was mad at me now and acting like it. Disrespecting my property and disrespecting me verbally. My reaction to him spitting in my car at this point was to smack him upside the back of the head because I'm mad and he's going overboard with everything. Well, that was the wrong thing to do. I never should have let my emotions get the best of me because after that he backhanded me across the mouth and busted my lip again. You can imagine what I looked like at this point and the following morning. But I stuck by him because I felt it was my fault. I mean I shouldn't have been hitting him either but I was pregnant and mad. Sure that doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I just left it at that. I promise you we didn't have another incident like that until we moved several months later. For some reason, he started to drink more and more and with that he became worse and worse. He never so much hit me as he did verbally abuse me. Some may think being verbally abused is nothing but in all reality it can be just as bad only mentally. You eventually start to believe the things they tell you. You start to hate yourself and you become unhappy and you just take it. But the more you take it the more they do it and they say some of the most awful things you can imagine. Can you imagine being told you're a fat ugly whore and then being forced to have sex with them. Think about how you would feel in that situation and then tell me it's not abuse.

I don't know why he was like this. I really don't. I just know that something happened and he continued to get worse. He didn't appreciate anything either. So when I planned to leave him, I expected him to be upset. I tried to tell him for so long that I was leaving. He would start drinking and I would even tell him he was going to regret everything when I left. His response was always "OK whatever" or "Yeah OK" and that was is. So you can imagine how surprised I was at his calm reaction. But at the same time I knew he would be terribly hurt by the situation. But is that really enough to change someone? They say you never realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's more true even to people like him, then we realize. I say this because he has completely shocked me. Sure, it's only been a week but you can see a dramatic change in him. And honestly I know that deep down he is a good man. But somewhere along the way he lost himself and I suffered because of it. He begs me to give him another chance, but that is just impossible. You can't after so long believe that in one weeks time someone will change forever. They have to prove it, really prove it before you even consider another chance. And even then, you're not going to just wait around for them. You're heart just is not in it. The love you had for that person is gone. You will always care for them but you no longer love them and you don't know if you could ever love them again. But we cannot predict the future so we cannot say what the future holds for that person in your life. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson. I mean look at him. He's lost everything that meant something to him and even his family is telling him it's his own fault. Even if you can imagine losing someone you love and know you can go on without them, try to imagine losing your children. That is much harder to live without. Maybe, it's enough to change someone. It still does not mean that I will go back. And even if I did, it would not be till much later down the road. I have lived in misery for far too long. I will never put up with it again from anyone. And I've made it very clear to him that right now, I will be alone. He can make his changes and try to win me back over all he wants, but that does not mean that I will come back, not even in the future. But my focus that I try to get him to see, is on the here and now. And now, I need to be me and be happy with my children and find my true self again. A happy mother means happy children and my children deserve happiness in their lives. I can't say I don't feel bad for him or that I'm not sad. I've definitely done my share of crying over it. But that's a part of the process. Change is and always will be hard. But getting through it will only make you stronger and along the way you will learn so much about so many things including who you really are. To anyone who has been down this path or is going down this path...never give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The road will be so hard to travel. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Just look at me. Married and divorced before I ever even reached 25. I went through hell being abandoned by my husband while 8 weeks pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old. I then proceeded to lose my job and my home and everyone moved away and I felt alone. After my son was born he had a heart defect that meant he had open heart surgery by the time he was 7 months old (and I was lucky it wasn't more serious than it was). And then from there on, it's been nothing but abuse from the one man I thought was the best thing for my little family. And that's just my life. That doesn't include the lives of the people close to me who have been through their own hells and I there the whole way helping them and fighting with them trying to be strong and not let anyone know of my own troubles. Life can be hard but face each day with a smile and the attitude that it will get better and you will be ok. You will make it where you need to be. 

-Amanda Kay

Some of the Sweetest Thoughts

"I'm jealous of the moon
because she knows all of your 5 am secrets.

And your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while i'll keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm

But the sun,
he is the luckiest of all.
When you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light." ----This is something I feel strongly for someone close in my life.

Sometimes my heart aches for all the things that could be and the few things that should be and the things that never will be. Sometimes, my heart just aches. But while it aches, I have so much love to give and I give it to all those in my life. ---Deep down I knew we just couldn't be. There are just some things that cannot be that we must accept until a later date and time. It does not mean that it never will be, just that now is not the right now for it to me. That is where patience and love is key.

My heart says one thing my mind says another, I struggle so hard to put the pieces together but ones things for sure, I have more important things to tend to right now. It's out my hands for I cannot predict the future, I can only work towards the things I wish to be and let the almighty lead me where I should be. ---Again, it's just something that cannot happen at this time no matter what my heart says. I must accept that.

The feel of your lips still lingers on mine. The feel of that night keeps crossing my mind. I long for more, I just can't get it out. The sweetest embrace one might ever feel, there for a moment then gone with the wind for that's how it works in the life of my friend... ---You are the sweetest person I've ever met. We'd be truly happy together I know this as do you. But we both know that sometimes we cannot have the things our heart truly desires. There is a time and a place for everything and right now is simply not our time. But it does not mean that we cannot be friends. It may be hard at first but in the end, it may just bring us closer together for when our time comes. I know we did not plan it this way but things happen every day that are out of our control. But it's the sweet memories and the future possibilities that we have to hold on to. 

---As I'm sure you can tell, this has a lot to do with love between two people. My goal when I set out to leave the man I've spent the last 6 years of my life with was to just be alone and not need anyone. This is just something that I need to do regardless of everything else. I need to know that I can do it by myself and that no matter what I  will always be ok. Well I was always ok and would always find a way for everything but now I am ok financially and not needing to depend on anyone to care for my children and myself. So I had no intention of falling for anyone else. But the heart cannot help itself but to give and receive love. And that's exactly what my heart has done though it couldn't have happened at a more inappropriate time. You see, I've not even yet settled myself in any specific location. I'm still house hunting. You see, I have to be sincerely happy with whatever decision I make. For my happiness contributes to my children's happiness and allows me to live our lives more stress free. But in this process my heart has chosen to love another person even if from afar. For you see, I've expressed my feelings to this person and this person feels the same for me however due to certain circumstances which I cannot share, we cannot have a relationship with each other at this time. Does that mean that we cannot have one another in the future? No. It just simply means that now is not our time. The good thing is that I know how to keep the two things separate and have a friendship with him in the meantime. And that is what we are going to do. It's sad and it sucks that it has to be this way but we cannot help the things that have occurred in this past week and so we must accept the facts for this time.

On another note, I cannot say that this whole process has been easy because it most definitely has not. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's what I have to do. I've cried and cried some more. And I'm not done crying yet but I know there is a time and a place to allow such a thing. I have yet to make up my own mind in what I want to do from here even. It's just not an easy decision. I thought I had an apartment which I did. But everything kept going wrong with that to the point that once I signed the lease and went to finally walk the apartment...I walked in and there were roaches everywhere. That for me was the final straw. I couldn't stay there and was forced to break a lease that was only a day old. It was just the last sign I needed to know not to go there. So I'm back at square one searching for a new place to live. Searching for that perfect place and even thinking of possibly moving further than I wanted to in order to be closer to my job. You see, where I'm living now with my new hours, I just cannot get to my children on time and I'm using so much gas in the process, so it only makes sense to move where my work is and get the kids into a new school and go from there. It's a process but I have a month to make my mind up whether or not I'm going there or staying in the house I've been in and just repairing it. And that is where I am currently stuck. But, you know what! I'm much happier. Still stressed at this time but much happier already. And that is what truly counts.

Whenever life knocks you down, get up and keep moving. Push forward, find an alternate route, but never give up and never stop. So long as you keep moving you will eventually get there and will always have help along the way. 

-Amanda Kay