A Past Expression In Writing

A weight that sits upon my chest!

    by Amanda Kay Lane on Monday, October 1, 2012 at 11:25pm

There are a lot of things that I used to let affect my view towards people. It's not how it sounds but being truly hurt by a best friend or a family member can be hard to forget. I know one friend who I didn't talk to for years. And one day it hit me that my actions were stupid. He was my best friend. There's a few people that I've had incidences like this with. And here lately I guess I feel the need to reconcile those actions and relationships. It's hard to believe that even after ten years one can mend the crack in a friendship. And honestly this is somewhat what has been weighing on me heavily these past few days. It's hard for me to express my thoughts as even thinking about them causes a lump to form in my throat and tears to roll down my face. Not to mention the fact that many people will read this who I may not want to but this is my wall and I have a right to share what I want. Though a lot must go unsaid. Lately I have felt this strong need to write. Not only to new people because I've always loved writing and receiving letters, but to old friends. I've surprised one or two already with letters they didn't expect as they hadn't heard from me in well over ten years. But there is still many more left to write though one is more important than all of them as it is the one that affects me the most. The thought of finding a moment to myself to be alone with my thoughts to put the words on paper is a difficult one. You see, first of all the content is upsetting and second, time to myself is hard to come by. I never knew one could be in the presence of someone and yet feel so alone at the same time. I sometimes think about asking myself what I did wrong. I've always been this happy, loving, caring person, always there to help others and offer my assistance when needed. So what did I do wrong? I know I've made my mistakes but I've also asked for forgiveness. But maybe I'm not being forgiven because there are others I have not forgiven though I have said I have. I didn't mean to not really forgive them. But over time I've come to realize I never really let go and it's still affecting everyone. It's not my place to judge those for their wrong doings. I can forgive them with the help of one more powerful than all, but I have to allow him to guide me. Have I done this? I don't know. I would like to think so but I don't think I really have. I know every time I've had a very burdening question or situation, someone has shown up with the answer. But I haven't taken it much further than that. Maybe that's my problem. I can make time. Though I'm so incredibly busy and feel like I don't have the time for anything, I really honestly can make the time as I do for all things that must be completed in my life. What's one more thing to add to the schedule. Just pencil it into my calender as I do all things important because I can't even remember them if I don't. As I sit here writing this, tears roll down my face freely while at the same time I worry that someone will walk into the room and see me crying and who knows what words will escape their mouth at that moment. But do I have an answer? Not one that I want to give....I have this deep longing to do so many things involving people who have been in my life and should still to this day be in my life...I have a headache now. I'm going to bed....At least I have partially expressed my inner most thoughts.....

~Amanda Kay

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." -Anais Nin

Past (regrets/mistakes/obstacles), Present (who you are/have become), Future (what you will be through experience)

Have you ever wondered...could I just walk away and forget the past? 

When I began the day today and I checked my Facebook to see how my friends were doing this morning, I saw the above picture and caption posted by a dear friend of mine. The words really got me thinking. You see, most people when they read those words they think how true is that! Most everyone wishes they could change something from their past, forget something from their past or whatever other option may be asked. But in reality would you go through with it if it were really possible? Think of this before you answer: every past experiences help to mold us into the people we are today. I personally like to think I’m a nice person and while I may give you a go to hell look, it’s really just a cover up to keep people from trying to get close to me. But if I hadn't experienced all the things that I experienced, I may not have been such a nice person in the end and I may not have ever developed this go to hell look. We are who we are and every little thing from our past helped to make us who we are. Without them we just wouldn't be the same. So while you may wish to forget something from your past, you should really take all the knowledge it has to offer you and learn from it. Be happy in the amazing person you are today and that because of that past no matter what happened, you are who you are today. You stood tall and strong through every obstacle that God has placed in front of you and you have learned from it. You might also take from this that through your perseverance, you know that never giving up is possible and rewarding and that no matter what life throws at you now, you will always be just fine. Just look at me. Look at all that I have been through. But then look at the type of person I am. I love people, I love helping others, I love bringing joy to the faces of others and just being happy. I may appear as though I'm mean at first but in all reality it's my way of protecting myself, my heart from the possible pain. You see, I care too much and I love too much and too deep and I fall in love easily with the people in my lives. And because of those things, I get hurt easily so I tend to push people away to save myself from pain. That's what people like me do. We are the nicest, most caring people and we get hurt the most and so easily and so we push away. And all of this is because of our past. Past experiences mold us and teach us everything we know. 

~Amanda

February 23, 2013

That was the day it all changed. It's been 5 weeks since then and I honestly still feel lost in everything. He's done what I never imagined he would do. He's become the complete opposite of what he has ever been. He now takes me seriously, he knows I won't put up with anything from anyone any longer. And so I allow him to be around the children. He continues to prove himself but I can't help but wait for that moment when he will go back to his old ways. He's tried to change before in the past and never been successful. He's always said one thing and done another. But I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he has a good person inside him. The only problem is...he's trying to win me back. I don't know how to tell him that it's not what I want any more. Sure I could continue on this way should he choose to be the way he is being now, but I would still never have my full happiness because I just want to be alone with my children. I can't see the feelings I once had coming back. I will always care for and about him, but I cannot say nor do I think I ever will love him again. It's just been too long of the way it was. A person gets hardened by that type of treatment. 

I'm the type of person who loves people, loves being around others, love having friends, making friends and even having relationships with others. But at this point in my life...I just want to be me and my kids. And now I feel stuck. He's being good, I don't want to pay rent, but I don't want to be with him either. I just want to be happy. This is where you rely on God above to help guide you. That's where I'm at!

-Amanda Kay