A weight that sits upon my chest!
by Amanda Kay Lane on Monday, October 1, 2012 at 11:25pm
There are a lot of things that I
used to let affect my view towards people. It's not how it sounds but being
truly hurt by a best friend or a family member can be hard to forget. I know
one friend who I didn't talk to for years. And one day it hit me that my
actions were stupid. He was my best friend. There's a few people that I've had
incidences like this with. And here lately I guess I feel the need to reconcile
those actions and relationships. It's hard to believe that even after ten years
one can mend the crack in a friendship. And honestly this is somewhat what has
been weighing on me heavily these past few days. It's hard for me to express my
thoughts as even thinking about them causes a lump to form in my throat and
tears to roll down my face. Not to mention the fact that many people will read
this who I may not want to but this is my wall and I have a right to share what
I want. Though a lot must go unsaid. Lately I have felt this strong need to
write. Not only to new people because I've always loved writing and receiving
letters, but to old friends. I've surprised one or two already with letters
they didn't expect as they hadn't heard from me in well over ten years. But
there is still many more left to write though one is more important than all of
them as it is the one that affects me the most. The thought of finding a moment
to myself to be alone with my thoughts to put the words on paper is a difficult
one. You see, first of all the content is upsetting and second, time to myself
is hard to come by. I never knew one could be in the presence of someone and
yet feel so alone at the same time. I sometimes think about asking myself what
I did wrong. I've always been this happy, loving, caring person, always there
to help others and offer my assistance when needed. So what did I do wrong? I
know I've made my mistakes but I've also asked for forgiveness. But maybe I'm
not being forgiven because there are others I have not forgiven though I have
said I have. I didn't mean to not really forgive them. But over time I've come
to realize I never really let go and it's still affecting everyone. It's not my
place to judge those for their wrong doings. I can forgive them with the help
of one more powerful than all, but I have to allow him to guide me. Have I done
this? I don't know. I would like to think so but I don't think I really have. I
know every time I've had a very burdening question or situation, someone has
shown up with the answer. But I haven't taken it much further than that. Maybe
that's my problem. I can make time. Though I'm so incredibly busy and feel like
I don't have the time for anything, I really honestly can make the time as I do
for all things that must be completed in my life. What's one more thing to add
to the schedule. Just pencil it into my calender as I do all things important
because I can't even remember them if I don't. As I sit here writing this,
tears roll down my face freely while at the same time I worry that someone will
walk into the room and see me crying and who knows what words will escape their
mouth at that moment. But do I have an answer? Not one that I want to give....I
have this deep longing to do so many things involving people who have been in
my life and should still to this day be in my life...I have a headache now. I'm
going to bed....At least I have partially expressed my inner most thoughts.....
~Amanda Kay
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in
writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use
for it." -Anais Nin
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