Not Always Easy

It's not always easy! Sure I may appear as if I'm the strongest woman in the world. But in all reality I have my moments of weakness as well. You see with me, I always think ahead of all the possibilities and the what wills and what can's and what I don't wants. I just can't help myself. I'm a very organized person with well thought out plans. Right now...my weakness are emotions involving my children and this move. 

You see, months ago I decided to make this move for the better. What person in their right mind would even stick around as long as I have? I mean seriously! Well I did. I believed, I loved and I worked hard at my relationship despite all that he's ever done to me. The pain goes far beneath the surface. There's not just the battle wounds but the emotional scars as well. I once loved this man very much. Honestly, I thank him every day for my son being here. You see, when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I lost everything. My then husband left me and lied about it. My cousin left me for Mexico for her baby, my best friend left me for a man who didn't love her and in the end I lost my job and then my home. That's a lot to lose all at once when you're 8 weeks pregnant and raising a 1 1/2 year old. So yeah I took it pretty hard. I'll never forget the way my daughter was. It was like she knew entirely too much for such a young age. She became deathly afraid of all men. She was even terrified of a simple knock on the door. She would run screaming bloody murder and hide behind me holding on tight. It was the saddest thing I ever watched. Even now I have to wonder how much of that she remembers. Supposedly you can't remember from that age but I have memories from that age of myself. And my daughters reaction to her daddy going out of town for a weekend thinking he's never coming back is painful and makes me remember that day her bio daddy left us. But now, she's 7 1/2 years old and her daddy has been in her life since she was 1 1/2 years old. Not to mention I have two other children who knew no other daddy but him since before they were born. My son never met his bio dad until he was 3 1/2 years old. He's now 5. My daughter didn't see him again either. Sure I told them about him and they became curious and he got remarried and finally decided he wanted to try being in their lives again. 

All the same, I've been through a lot with this man. And it wasn't all bad. I don't know what happened really but I know that I cannot do it any more and I say I don't love him any more but I will always have a love for him. We've been through too much together. I just know that I cannot go through this any longer. I'm unhappy here. I honestly dread the journey ahead but yet it's all thought out. And it begins with me moving. Of course I have to tell him before then. I've tried many times because I don't want a bad relationship with him. But I don't think he gets it or he would have left when he realized I was serious and told him to move out. 

I've never given up on something before. But this time I have to. I mean you can only try for so long. How long is too long before you need to move on? How much pain do you have to go through before you finally say you're not going to take it any more? That's where I'm at a little over 6 months ago. I thought maybe we could just make it work here as roommates but he just doesn't get it and of course continues to be the way he is with me. It's nothing but heartache for me. I care so much for him and I don't want to do this but I cannot be with him any more. I just can't. And can't is not a word I use often. 

So I made a plan. I searched for a place (since he wouldn't leave and in all reality the landlord is a slumlord and doesn't take care of the house and I simply cannot afford the amount of work it needs), I found a place, I applied, I got denied, I applied to the next and I just got approved today. I felt like it was taking for ever. Honestly I thought I'd have been moved on the 12th and it would have been easier on me. The longer I wait the more time I have to think about it and it's so painful even though I have to do it. I think the hardest part is not so much the leaving him but everything else. The effect it will have on my children. I know they will be sad and I know they will get over it. They see the things he does and know it's wrong. Just ask my kids about their daddy and outside and they'll tell you all about how he's mean to mommy when he's outside. It will also be a big adjustment for them. Leaving their home, leaving their neighborhood, not having their best friend they grew up with right next door any longer, and of course not having their daddy there every night anymore. All changes that will occur. And then my youngest has to be drug into a custody battle. I wish there were a way I could make him see that it doesn't have to be this way but there is no way and so it will be this way. He makes everything more difficult. I don't wish to stop him from seeing his daughter or the other two in any way. But I do not wish to risk my childs life by allowing him to have her alone and then my other two not understand why he doesn't want to have them too because he wont because even if he cares he knows they are not his and he has no right. Not that I would stop him had he been a decent man. And so I am forced to proceed with a custody battle which will only anger him more. There is just no way around it. 

I know that once I get out and can return to my full happiness that I've always been, I will be ok. Sure I will cry allot at first because of everything. My kids will struggle and I will be in pain knowing that I had to do this because there was no other way. But over time it will subside. I'm a strong person. I made it through the first time, watched my son have open heart surgery at seven months old and have made it through everything else thus far, so I know I can make it through this. But it does not make it any less difficult to do. And until it is done, I cannot be complete as this weighs on my heart so much more than anything ever has. 

So I sit here fighting tears, and I just pray for the strength and guidance I need to continue to push forward and make it through as I know I can. It's like my tattoo says "Giving Up Was Never An Option" (my constant reminder) and it wasn't then and wont be now.

And it may seem like I worry about the little things such as the fact that I'm losing 700 sqft of space for the same three bedrooms. Or the fact that I now have to pay rent as well as all my other bills. But that's only in an effort to keep the really painful stuff...tucked away safely until the time is right to just let it take care of itself.

And so with that I leave you with a quote:

"Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." -Unknown

-Amanda Kay

Don't Quite

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When they might have won, had they stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

-printablecards.resources2u.com

" Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." -Unknown

An Older Friend 65 Years in Age

So I have this friend much older than I and he searches for that love to spend his life with. His other half. When I first met this individual I was not interested in his friendship because the e-mail he sent to me was so impersonal and I could tell. He must not have expected such a response from me and came back and it was back and forth for a bit til he finally showed his true self. Since then he has asked for my advice and I have given but now he is sad, alone and tired of waiting and looking but in my opinion he looks too hard. And I say that also from experience. 

This morning he tells me again of his failed search for a partner and wishes he could meet me in a coffee shop just to chat. But tells me I'm paying the bill and to be prepared to pay. In return I give him the following information of my own experience as well as who I am:

So I'm paying the tab. What a way to treat a lady. LOL

I am a lot more compatible to what you are looking for than most the people you find but unfortunately I do not have the time nor the want for anything. And honestly I did not want what found me. Funny to say that because before I was always afraid of being alone and thought I would in the end be alone. But I will not be alone I know. Though I do not need the one who has found me so it's strictly fun. But oh he is so handsome.

You know, I am like you, I believe there is more than just a pretty face. Granted people want to feel pretty and be told so and all that, but to judge a book by it's cover is a loss to the prospective reader in my opinion. Just a thought for sharing. So like this one who found me. I was searching for a best friend I had back in intermediate school. Some things that happened that bother me ever since the day they happened. He moved not long after that and then one day he came back and I saw him once but just like that he was gone again. Ever since then I just cannot seem to find him though I search for my friend many times. But it's like he never even existed. And yet along the way I came across another individual who has the same name. I chose to overlook him multiple times through my searches thinking no it's not him. But because it always popped up I decided to give it a shot like what the heck it wont hurt anything and with that I found love unexpectedly. Or rather love found me. I was not searching for love. Did not want or need love, but just wanted to find my friend and in the process love found me and oh how handsome he is on top of everything. He's like my perfect match. He's just like me. I can tell what he's thinking and how he's feeling from thousands of miles away. He's just like me in so many ways and every day I discover even more ways he is just like me. It's simply amazing to be honest. The weirdest thing of all is that he's just fixen to be 22 years of age. I've never been one to date those younger than myself because well I always felt the man should be older since women mature faster but you know, I just couldn't resist this one and so I find myself for the first time ever in the midst of a relationship with this one.

But I'm so many different things that I'm like you and yet like him and then just me. I love music, and writing, and photography, and everything else. I sing and dance daily most things I have to say. I capture everything I can in still images. And I write all words for people to see. That is who I am. But at the same time I am this mother, this friend, this caring individual so unique in my own way that none can match me. I love knowledge and share freely. I hear many things and jump right in if I hold the knowledge that is needed to answer the question or solve the dilemma or whatever the case might be. That is me. Along side of that is my sensitive side. The one who loves too deeply and care too strongly and gets hurt too easily because of it. If you had asked me when I was younger if that was even possible, I would have told you no. But now I know from many experiences that it is very much so. I've always given and given and given of myself and never take a single thing nor am I ever given any or offered anything from anyone.

Sometimes that makes me sad. I wish nothing more than to be wanted, chased after, cared about enough that one does the little things that mean so much to me but make no sense to him because that is what pleases me. Those are the things that I struggle with. This is me.

-Amanda Kay

Mixed Feelings

I have a lot of mixed feelings about what's happening right now. I can't help but feel that it is so wrong what I am doing. I mean maybe not what I'm doing exactly but the way I'm going about it. But it's like, I'm afraid to tell him for fear of his reaction. And I think he finally got it in his head that I'm serious and done with the drama. I just don't know how I would tell him if I did. I don't want it to be a complete surprise and shock in the end. That's likely to piss him off even more. But telling him could cause unnecessary drama now. I'm just the type of person that likes to do the right thing and doesn't like to hurt people. I wish there were some way I could just tell him and discuss it with him. I mean he knows I don't want to be with him any more. I think we were comfortable still living together there for a while but then he let alcohol take over and everything just escalated and I'm sorry but I just can't deal with it anymore. He even annoys the kids when he's been drinking. 

If he were a normal person, I could tell him that we need to separate. He can still come see his daughter as often as he likes. I mean that right there is practically giving him no responsibility aside from the child support he pays but yet still allowing him to be in her life just not alone. Sure if he can straighten himself up and stop the drinking and grow up, then maybe I could consider it. The problem is, it's not going to be that easy. I'm most likely going to have to go to legal measures which will completely ruin any relationship as mother and father of our child. That's just how he is. And once I'm gone, he'll drink even more like he used to before we moved in together. 

I really don't want to lie to him, but I mean what else can I do. I can blame part of my move on the house. Can tell him I'm just tired of this house because really I am tired of this house. Why? Well because it's old, the landlord refuses to do most repairs. The foundation is to the point where anything could go wrong at any time and half the house stays cold all the time during the winter and it's tile floor so that's like walking on ice, and then during the summer, it just stays hot. There's a vent in every room but for the kitchen, living and dining which is literally half the house, there are only two vents and they just don't provide enough and they take from the rest of the house. But in all reality, even telling him that, he' expect to move with me. But that's not possible. I don't even care if he stays the night at my new place from time to time because at my new place, it's MY place and MY rules and he wont be doing the same things. I just don't love him that way any more and don't want to be with him. It's his own fault for all the crap he has put me through. I've just reached that point where I've had enough. 

So, now I'm feeling like what I'm doing is so wrong and it feels harder and harder the closer the day comes. Although the day has yet again been pushed back further. I really don't know what to do on this....

On a slightly different note, my team at work loves me. Threw me a mini celebration at work on Friday for my birthday. Yep, I'm not old! LOL, I just feel old at 27. Here's a picture of me on my birthday with the cake, card and decorations from my team at work. =)

Signing Out!

-Amanda Kay

I Have A Heart

I've always been the type that cared too much for others. I share everything. I love too deeply and care too much. So many times I've been hurt because of this and heard my friends say "you care too much" but in reality I never thought one could care too much for anyone or any thing. But maybe I do. And I say that now because of my current situation. 

The man I share my home with and who has been in my life since 2007, is not always bad. When he's sober, he's actually a decent person. It's when he's drinking that he becomes the monster that has pushed me so far away that there is no return. And here lately, some of the things I have done and said I think have gotten to him as he has tried to be nicer. Kudos to him for the effort, but in all reality, it's a little too late for trying now. I mean, I've been pushed away and disrespected and hurt for so long now that I've developed this almost hate for him. And hate is a really strong word. I never hate anyone. I can have a strong disliking of them for whatever reason, but never hate. But with him, I find myself all the time almost telling him I hate him but I wont allow it for hate is a very powerful word. 

Here lately though, all that's happening has really been weighing on my mind. I'm ready for it to be over, but not ready for the battle I'm about to have to fight. I will fight it with everything I have though because my children come first before anyone ever will and he knows it. But I'm not ready for it and just keep praying that God will take the matter into his hands and not allow things to go the way I know they most certainly will. You see, with him, everything has to be his way or no way unless you want to be put through hell. And lately I've decided to choose going through hell over giving him his way. I stand my ground. It's so hard but in the end I think it has the most affect on him. But it doesn't change the fact that I am not ready for this battle that is coming so soon. You see, I know he loves his daughter. He really does. And for me to even consider taking away his time with her, is painful to him. Only he doesn't know I've considered or made plans to yet. His daughter is his world. But I just cannot risk him drinking with her and doing something stupid yet unintentional and her getting hurt. He knows I put my children before everything else and so it shouldn't come as a surprise how serious I am when I tell him I will fight. And I know it's only going to anger him more and truly hurt him like nothing else. Maybe this will be what truly changes him. I mean I made it clear to him that I no longer need him. I made it clear to him that he can move out now and that I wish for him to. And I made it clear to him that I will not be around when he picks up a beer because he doesn't know how to stop. And since that happening on Saturday he has changed his attitude. He even stated he wants a container to put money in every time he wants to buy beer and just save the money instead of buying beer. But to me, while he wants to make this effort, it's happening all too late. I just can't be here any more. I cannot deal with it or allow my children to see such things. And I would never take his daughter from him, but I wont allow him to have her alone. I must supervise. He is welcome to come to my home any night of the week to visit with his daughter. But he will not be allowed to take her. But unfortunately this wont go over well with him and so in order to ensure that I must make it legal and making it legal will only upset him more. 

Right now, all of this weighs upon my chest. I struggle with these feelings of being such an awful person to hurt him in such a way especially when I see him making an effort. But I just cannot do it any more and have to get away. Not only that but I know that he will always go back to drinking and that's where all our problems start. I don't know what happened to him to make him so bad, but I just cannot take it and will not take it any longer. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I mean, I do care about him. He's done so much for me since the day I met him. And like I said, he's not always bad. But the bad outweighs the good because bad is so much more powerful, that it has pushed me so far away, to the point of no return. All I can do now is pray for guidance....

-Amanda Kay