It's not always easy! Sure I may appear as if I'm the strongest woman in the world. But in all reality I have my moments of weakness as well. You see with me, I always think ahead of all the possibilities and the what wills and what can's and what I don't wants. I just can't help myself. I'm a very organized person with well thought out plans. Right now...my weakness are emotions involving my children and this move.
You see, months ago I decided to make this move for the better. What person in their right mind would even stick around as long as I have? I mean seriously! Well I did. I believed, I loved and I worked hard at my relationship despite all that he's ever done to me. The pain goes far beneath the surface. There's not just the battle wounds but the emotional scars as well. I once loved this man very much. Honestly, I thank him every day for my son being here. You see, when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I lost everything. My then husband left me and lied about it. My cousin left me for Mexico for her baby, my best friend left me for a man who didn't love her and in the end I lost my job and then my home. That's a lot to lose all at once when you're 8 weeks pregnant and raising a 1 1/2 year old. So yeah I took it pretty hard. I'll never forget the way my daughter was. It was like she knew entirely too much for such a young age. She became deathly afraid of all men. She was even terrified of a simple knock on the door. She would run screaming bloody murder and hide behind me holding on tight. It was the saddest thing I ever watched. Even now I have to wonder how much of that she remembers. Supposedly you can't remember from that age but I have memories from that age of myself. And my daughters reaction to her daddy going out of town for a weekend thinking he's never coming back is painful and makes me remember that day her bio daddy left us. But now, she's 7 1/2 years old and her daddy has been in her life since she was 1 1/2 years old. Not to mention I have two other children who knew no other daddy but him since before they were born. My son never met his bio dad until he was 3 1/2 years old. He's now 5. My daughter didn't see him again either. Sure I told them about him and they became curious and he got remarried and finally decided he wanted to try being in their lives again.
All the same, I've been through a lot with this man. And it wasn't all bad. I don't know what happened really but I know that I cannot do it any more and I say I don't love him any more but I will always have a love for him. We've been through too much together. I just know that I cannot go through this any longer. I'm unhappy here. I honestly dread the journey ahead but yet it's all thought out. And it begins with me moving. Of course I have to tell him before then. I've tried many times because I don't want a bad relationship with him. But I don't think he gets it or he would have left when he realized I was serious and told him to move out.
I've never given up on something before. But this time I have to. I mean you can only try for so long. How long is too long before you need to move on? How much pain do you have to go through before you finally say you're not going to take it any more? That's where I'm at a little over 6 months ago. I thought maybe we could just make it work here as roommates but he just doesn't get it and of course continues to be the way he is with me. It's nothing but heartache for me. I care so much for him and I don't want to do this but I cannot be with him any more. I just can't. And can't is not a word I use often.
So I made a plan. I searched for a place (since he wouldn't leave and in all reality the landlord is a slumlord and doesn't take care of the house and I simply cannot afford the amount of work it needs), I found a place, I applied, I got denied, I applied to the next and I just got approved today. I felt like it was taking for ever. Honestly I thought I'd have been moved on the 12th and it would have been easier on me. The longer I wait the more time I have to think about it and it's so painful even though I have to do it. I think the hardest part is not so much the leaving him but everything else. The effect it will have on my children. I know they will be sad and I know they will get over it. They see the things he does and know it's wrong. Just ask my kids about their daddy and outside and they'll tell you all about how he's mean to mommy when he's outside. It will also be a big adjustment for them. Leaving their home, leaving their neighborhood, not having their best friend they grew up with right next door any longer, and of course not having their daddy there every night anymore. All changes that will occur. And then my youngest has to be drug into a custody battle. I wish there were a way I could make him see that it doesn't have to be this way but there is no way and so it will be this way. He makes everything more difficult. I don't wish to stop him from seeing his daughter or the other two in any way. But I do not wish to risk my childs life by allowing him to have her alone and then my other two not understand why he doesn't want to have them too because he wont because even if he cares he knows they are not his and he has no right. Not that I would stop him had he been a decent man. And so I am forced to proceed with a custody battle which will only anger him more. There is just no way around it.
I know that once I get out and can return to my full happiness that I've always been, I will be ok. Sure I will cry allot at first because of everything. My kids will struggle and I will be in pain knowing that I had to do this because there was no other way. But over time it will subside. I'm a strong person. I made it through the first time, watched my son have open heart surgery at seven months old and have made it through everything else thus far, so I know I can make it through this. But it does not make it any less difficult to do. And until it is done, I cannot be complete as this weighs on my heart so much more than anything ever has.
So I sit here fighting tears, and I just pray for the strength and guidance I need to continue to push forward and make it through as I know I can. It's like my tattoo says "Giving Up Was Never An Option" (my constant reminder) and it wasn't then and wont be now.
And it may seem like I worry about the little things such as the fact that I'm losing 700 sqft of space for the same three bedrooms. Or the fact that I now have to pay rent as well as all my other bills. But that's only in an effort to keep the really painful stuff...tucked away safely until the time is right to just let it take care of itself.
And so with that I leave you with a quote:
"Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." -Unknown
-Amanda Kay
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