Mixed Feelings

I have a lot of mixed feelings about what's happening right now. I can't help but feel that it is so wrong what I am doing. I mean maybe not what I'm doing exactly but the way I'm going about it. But it's like, I'm afraid to tell him for fear of his reaction. And I think he finally got it in his head that I'm serious and done with the drama. I just don't know how I would tell him if I did. I don't want it to be a complete surprise and shock in the end. That's likely to piss him off even more. But telling him could cause unnecessary drama now. I'm just the type of person that likes to do the right thing and doesn't like to hurt people. I wish there were some way I could just tell him and discuss it with him. I mean he knows I don't want to be with him any more. I think we were comfortable still living together there for a while but then he let alcohol take over and everything just escalated and I'm sorry but I just can't deal with it anymore. He even annoys the kids when he's been drinking. 

If he were a normal person, I could tell him that we need to separate. He can still come see his daughter as often as he likes. I mean that right there is practically giving him no responsibility aside from the child support he pays but yet still allowing him to be in her life just not alone. Sure if he can straighten himself up and stop the drinking and grow up, then maybe I could consider it. The problem is, it's not going to be that easy. I'm most likely going to have to go to legal measures which will completely ruin any relationship as mother and father of our child. That's just how he is. And once I'm gone, he'll drink even more like he used to before we moved in together. 

I really don't want to lie to him, but I mean what else can I do. I can blame part of my move on the house. Can tell him I'm just tired of this house because really I am tired of this house. Why? Well because it's old, the landlord refuses to do most repairs. The foundation is to the point where anything could go wrong at any time and half the house stays cold all the time during the winter and it's tile floor so that's like walking on ice, and then during the summer, it just stays hot. There's a vent in every room but for the kitchen, living and dining which is literally half the house, there are only two vents and they just don't provide enough and they take from the rest of the house. But in all reality, even telling him that, he' expect to move with me. But that's not possible. I don't even care if he stays the night at my new place from time to time because at my new place, it's MY place and MY rules and he wont be doing the same things. I just don't love him that way any more and don't want to be with him. It's his own fault for all the crap he has put me through. I've just reached that point where I've had enough. 

So, now I'm feeling like what I'm doing is so wrong and it feels harder and harder the closer the day comes. Although the day has yet again been pushed back further. I really don't know what to do on this....

On a slightly different note, my team at work loves me. Threw me a mini celebration at work on Friday for my birthday. Yep, I'm not old! LOL, I just feel old at 27. Here's a picture of me on my birthday with the cake, card and decorations from my team at work. =)

Signing Out!

-Amanda Kay