I've always been the type that cared too much for others. I share everything. I love too deeply and care too much. So many times I've been hurt because of this and heard my friends say "you care too much" but in reality I never thought one could care too much for anyone or any thing. But maybe I do. And I say that now because of my current situation.
The man I share my home with and who has been in my life since 2007, is not always bad. When he's sober, he's actually a decent person. It's when he's drinking that he becomes the monster that has pushed me so far away that there is no return. And here lately, some of the things I have done and said I think have gotten to him as he has tried to be nicer. Kudos to him for the effort, but in all reality, it's a little too late for trying now. I mean, I've been pushed away and disrespected and hurt for so long now that I've developed this almost hate for him. And hate is a really strong word. I never hate anyone. I can have a strong disliking of them for whatever reason, but never hate. But with him, I find myself all the time almost telling him I hate him but I wont allow it for hate is a very powerful word.
Here lately though, all that's happening has really been weighing on my mind. I'm ready for it to be over, but not ready for the battle I'm about to have to fight. I will fight it with everything I have though because my children come first before anyone ever will and he knows it. But I'm not ready for it and just keep praying that God will take the matter into his hands and not allow things to go the way I know they most certainly will. You see, with him, everything has to be his way or no way unless you want to be put through hell. And lately I've decided to choose going through hell over giving him his way. I stand my ground. It's so hard but in the end I think it has the most affect on him. But it doesn't change the fact that I am not ready for this battle that is coming so soon. You see, I know he loves his daughter. He really does. And for me to even consider taking away his time with her, is painful to him. Only he doesn't know I've considered or made plans to yet. His daughter is his world. But I just cannot risk him drinking with her and doing something stupid yet unintentional and her getting hurt. He knows I put my children before everything else and so it shouldn't come as a surprise how serious I am when I tell him I will fight. And I know it's only going to anger him more and truly hurt him like nothing else. Maybe this will be what truly changes him. I mean I made it clear to him that I no longer need him. I made it clear to him that he can move out now and that I wish for him to. And I made it clear to him that I will not be around when he picks up a beer because he doesn't know how to stop. And since that happening on Saturday he has changed his attitude. He even stated he wants a container to put money in every time he wants to buy beer and just save the money instead of buying beer. But to me, while he wants to make this effort, it's happening all too late. I just can't be here any more. I cannot deal with it or allow my children to see such things. And I would never take his daughter from him, but I wont allow him to have her alone. I must supervise. He is welcome to come to my home any night of the week to visit with his daughter. But he will not be allowed to take her. But unfortunately this wont go over well with him and so in order to ensure that I must make it legal and making it legal will only upset him more.
Right now, all of this weighs upon my chest. I struggle with these feelings of being such an awful person to hurt him in such a way especially when I see him making an effort. But I just cannot do it any more and have to get away. Not only that but I know that he will always go back to drinking and that's where all our problems start. I don't know what happened to him to make him so bad, but I just cannot take it and will not take it any longer. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I mean, I do care about him. He's done so much for me since the day I met him. And like I said, he's not always bad. But the bad outweighs the good because bad is so much more powerful, that it has pushed me so far away, to the point of no return. All I can do now is pray for guidance....
-Amanda Kay
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