Christmas day! It was nice waking up to my children excited to see they did get presents after all. You see, in my house there is no Christmas tree, and there are no presents. But when they wake up Christmas morning, they are surprised to find that they did in fact get presents. It was quite an enjoyable day despite the fact that it rained from Midnight to Noon. And then at Two PM, it started snowing hard. So we left early to go to my parents house as my parents would be watching my children for the week so that I could work and make up for days missed. I never thought that I'd come home to find someone sitting in the garage in the freezing cold, drinking as always. It seems that lately, every day that he does not have to work, he drinks the night before. When he drinks, is when things go bad. I can't even stand the thought of him drinking one beer any more because I know it will never stop there and will always escalate and honestly I don't know how much longer I can stand strong and firm and not snap on him.
So because of his drinking, he's of course hungry. Refuses to drink and drive anymore, especially since wrecking his car. So in order to keep the peace since I need rest for work the next day, I decide to go ahead and take him in my truck to get food though I do not want him in my truck. I tell him that so long as he does not spit, drink, smoke, or touch anything, I will give him a ride to get food. He of course agrees. Soon as we leave the gas station with cigarettes, he decides he wants to smoke one. I of course ask him nicely to please not smoke in my car and that's not what he wants so he lights it up. I then proceeded to pull over in the street since there were no cars coming and it was not busy this time of night in this weather and asked him to get out until he is done smoking his cigarette. This of course pissed him off and he did get out and proceeded to walk home on the ice after having drank too much, just so he can smoke his cigarette. He fell about 5 times on the first block alone. I followed him a block and a half trying to calm him down for the fact that I never told him to walk home from 5 blocks away in the freezing cold, nor did I want to deal with him after he got home in his bad mood. But he refused and so I eventually drove home.
Once he arrived he proceeded to get in his car and go get food. I took this opportunity to make my first police report in over a year on him drinking and driving. In order to get away from him and the abuse I must have these reports and the lady I spoke with the following morning after his threat to remove all my possessions from the home, she told me that I need to report all past events to the best of my ability before filing any other orders. She told me how to file for a protective order (which I cannot do until I am out of the house as they notify him). How to apply for assistance. How to get legal aide. All things I will need once I'm away in order to protect my children and myself.
You see, he didn't get out of control with me this time. The one time my children are not there to witness. But he was very angry. And honestly, when he's like this, I'm scared of him. Afraid to get anywhere near him for fear that the next time he wont just shove me out of his way, but instead will actually hit me. I cannot go on living this way. My goal was to make it to February but I just can't do this any more. For all I know, the next weekend he will seriously hurt myself or my children and I cannot risk it though I cannot seem to get out fast enough either. But I've been cleaning. Preparing. He doesn't believe me. He acts like nothing happened as always. But I've been silent. I no longer have anything to say to him. I cannot even ask him to move out. I did the first night but he refused as he will do whatever to make it difficult for me. So I will just move myself. And though he doesn't believe me, he will soon enough see how serious I am. He has never believed me on anything ever in the past years though I've never lied to him or don't anything to make him think otherwise. But that's his choice. Honestly I don't even know what is wrong with him. I know his father was abusive to all of his family. But he was making progress and doing so good at the beginning of the year that I was going to give it another shot and then about the middle of the year he just changed. And he continues to get worse. There is nothing else I can do or say and I will no longer try. He will just have to suffer the consequences. There is no turning back now. I'm getting out and continuing my move forward with my life and my children. We will start this year off great. I feel bad for the fact that I'm going to honestly hurt him, but I cannot continue to let him hurt me and I do not wish to hurt him but to protect my children will. The one thing that will seriously hurt him is not having his daughter and that's the one little person I must protect the most due to his stupidity. He would never intentionally hurt her but his lack of control could end in her injured therefore this is how it has to be.
For now, I am out.
-Amanda Kay
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