I never planned my life to be this way. After my last relationship failed...I promised myself I would not allow another to fail. I would not do anything to screw it up nor would I allow my partner to screw it up. I never planned to be married and divorced before I was 25. I never planned to be divorced ever in the first place. But things happen and we move on and face the facts of life and make the necessary adjustments and keep moving forward. Not matter what I told myself my next relationship wouldn't fail. And to sit here now and see how the last 6 years of my life has been...it's so hard. Some days are harder than others, especially being the beginning still (2 weeks in). I devoted myself to him. I loved him so much. I did everything to keep our relationship going. But at some point you must realize that, if the other person never tries, that it's going to end eventually. Not only that, but to be pushed away and hurt and disrespected and in front of your children...there is just no way that relationship will last.
Today he asked a questions and I told him about the next tattoo I want to get. I want to get the music notes to the song Run by Pink wrapped around my ankle. I told him it's a song for my babies and he asked if he was one which in turn I asked him if I gave birth to him and he tells me that I brought smiles and laughter and happiness to his life which of course has set me off. For so long there has not been any smiles or laughter or even happiness in our home. And this saddens me even more because it shouldn't have been this way. I certainly didn't plan it this way nor did I work towards another failed relationship.
I think it has really affected him but only time can tell that and I will still stand my ground and do what I need to do now and let a higher power guide me in the right direction. This is what I need to do. I cannot believe him as he's never kept his word before and he chose never to believe me and therefore this is how it has to be regardless of the fact that we just spent the last 6 years of our lives together. It's definitely true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. He's seeing it now. But now is too late. The love I once had is gone. All the years spent together almost feel like it was a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to explain. The feeling you have after spending so much time with someone in the way that we did for it to be like this in the end. So many times I cried myself to sleep because I dreaded what was coming. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Despite how he treated me, I dreaded hurting him because I knew that deep down in him there is a good person that he lost somewhere along the way. And I most certainly knew it would be difficult on my children and he thinks it's hard not seeing them every day like before, well imagine me having to listen to them cry sometimes because they want to see him and he's not there. So many different things that no one will ever truly know. My inner most thoughts and feelings. The things that cause the inner turmoil that I push aside until late at night when I can't sleep and I am alone in nothing but candle light with my computer. Life goes on. Things must be done. And this is how I deal. I bottle it up and wish and hope and pray and then let it all out on screen. It's a constant inner battle. But each day, I get up with a smile on my face, love my children and keep putting one foot in front of the other and push forward while I battle alone at night...
-Amanda Kay
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
The First Time
I can't say I honestly remember when it all started. You see, we started dating not long after my ex husband just abandoned my daughter and I while I was 8 weeks pregnant and my daughter just barely a 1 1/2 years old back in 2007. Those were sad times really. But I met this great guy who helped me through it and it kind of went from there. He was already great really. And in 2009 we decided to move in together. My kids loved him. My son at the time didn't know his biological father as he had never met him and my daughter barely remembered him because she was so young the last time she saw him, so to them, this was their daddy. Not long after we moved in together he started with the verbal. It wasn't bad really. It was just here and there from time to time and all other times were great. He was so appreciative of everything. He even thanked me for dinner each night with a kiss. Things were pretty good between us.
The first time he ever hit me...I was pregnant with our daughter. I should have just left then but I was pregnant and not thinking straight and didn't know where I would go. But that night, it all started out stupidly. Every bit of abuse I ever endured from him was when he was drinking. This one particular night him and his nephews decided to play with this airsoft gun that was broken but still worked. It was someone elses turn but he wanted another turn and was not going to let them have the gun. He was only about a foot in front of me with the gun behind his back when it went off not 5 inches in front of my face. So you can imagine what it felt like when the pellet his my lip and busted my lip. And then imagine being pregnant while this is happening and then he just stands there like a dumb ass and looks at you. After everyone else has already ran to get you a napkin for your bleeding lip, he just looks at you and then finally asks if you're ok. Of course your not ok. Due to his stupidity you've been shot in the lip with an airsoft gun not five inches from your face and you're pregnant. Any number of other possibilities could have occurred with the tiny pellet and you were lucky it was just your lip. And on top of that you are emotional from pregnancy and so when someone stands there like a dumb ass and then finally asks you if you're ok when you're fighting to hold back tears because of what happened, you can expect their response to not be the nicest thing in the world. Now all I said was "No you idiot, I'm not ok, I just got shot in the fucking face." But that's all it took to set him off at that time. He grabbed me by the arm and said we're leaving all because I called him an idiot in front of his family. He was mad at me now and acting like it. Disrespecting my property and disrespecting me verbally. My reaction to him spitting in my car at this point was to smack him upside the back of the head because I'm mad and he's going overboard with everything. Well, that was the wrong thing to do. I never should have let my emotions get the best of me because after that he backhanded me across the mouth and busted my lip again. You can imagine what I looked like at this point and the following morning. But I stuck by him because I felt it was my fault. I mean I shouldn't have been hitting him either but I was pregnant and mad. Sure that doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I just left it at that. I promise you we didn't have another incident like that until we moved several months later. For some reason, he started to drink more and more and with that he became worse and worse. He never so much hit me as he did verbally abuse me. Some may think being verbally abused is nothing but in all reality it can be just as bad only mentally. You eventually start to believe the things they tell you. You start to hate yourself and you become unhappy and you just take it. But the more you take it the more they do it and they say some of the most awful things you can imagine. Can you imagine being told you're a fat ugly whore and then being forced to have sex with them. Think about how you would feel in that situation and then tell me it's not abuse.
I don't know why he was like this. I really don't. I just know that something happened and he continued to get worse. He didn't appreciate anything either. So when I planned to leave him, I expected him to be upset. I tried to tell him for so long that I was leaving. He would start drinking and I would even tell him he was going to regret everything when I left. His response was always "OK whatever" or "Yeah OK" and that was is. So you can imagine how surprised I was at his calm reaction. But at the same time I knew he would be terribly hurt by the situation. But is that really enough to change someone? They say you never realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's more true even to people like him, then we realize. I say this because he has completely shocked me. Sure, it's only been a week but you can see a dramatic change in him. And honestly I know that deep down he is a good man. But somewhere along the way he lost himself and I suffered because of it. He begs me to give him another chance, but that is just impossible. You can't after so long believe that in one weeks time someone will change forever. They have to prove it, really prove it before you even consider another chance. And even then, you're not going to just wait around for them. You're heart just is not in it. The love you had for that person is gone. You will always care for them but you no longer love them and you don't know if you could ever love them again. But we cannot predict the future so we cannot say what the future holds for that person in your life. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson. I mean look at him. He's lost everything that meant something to him and even his family is telling him it's his own fault. Even if you can imagine losing someone you love and know you can go on without them, try to imagine losing your children. That is much harder to live without. Maybe, it's enough to change someone. It still does not mean that I will go back. And even if I did, it would not be till much later down the road. I have lived in misery for far too long. I will never put up with it again from anyone. And I've made it very clear to him that right now, I will be alone. He can make his changes and try to win me back over all he wants, but that does not mean that I will come back, not even in the future. But my focus that I try to get him to see, is on the here and now. And now, I need to be me and be happy with my children and find my true self again. A happy mother means happy children and my children deserve happiness in their lives. I can't say I don't feel bad for him or that I'm not sad. I've definitely done my share of crying over it. But that's a part of the process. Change is and always will be hard. But getting through it will only make you stronger and along the way you will learn so much about so many things including who you really are. To anyone who has been down this path or is going down this path...never give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The road will be so hard to travel. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Just look at me. Married and divorced before I ever even reached 25. I went through hell being abandoned by my husband while 8 weeks pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old. I then proceeded to lose my job and my home and everyone moved away and I felt alone. After my son was born he had a heart defect that meant he had open heart surgery by the time he was 7 months old (and I was lucky it wasn't more serious than it was). And then from there on, it's been nothing but abuse from the one man I thought was the best thing for my little family. And that's just my life. That doesn't include the lives of the people close to me who have been through their own hells and I there the whole way helping them and fighting with them trying to be strong and not let anyone know of my own troubles. Life can be hard but face each day with a smile and the attitude that it will get better and you will be ok. You will make it where you need to be.
-Amanda Kay
The first time he ever hit me...I was pregnant with our daughter. I should have just left then but I was pregnant and not thinking straight and didn't know where I would go. But that night, it all started out stupidly. Every bit of abuse I ever endured from him was when he was drinking. This one particular night him and his nephews decided to play with this airsoft gun that was broken but still worked. It was someone elses turn but he wanted another turn and was not going to let them have the gun. He was only about a foot in front of me with the gun behind his back when it went off not 5 inches in front of my face. So you can imagine what it felt like when the pellet his my lip and busted my lip. And then imagine being pregnant while this is happening and then he just stands there like a dumb ass and looks at you. After everyone else has already ran to get you a napkin for your bleeding lip, he just looks at you and then finally asks if you're ok. Of course your not ok. Due to his stupidity you've been shot in the lip with an airsoft gun not five inches from your face and you're pregnant. Any number of other possibilities could have occurred with the tiny pellet and you were lucky it was just your lip. And on top of that you are emotional from pregnancy and so when someone stands there like a dumb ass and then finally asks you if you're ok when you're fighting to hold back tears because of what happened, you can expect their response to not be the nicest thing in the world. Now all I said was "No you idiot, I'm not ok, I just got shot in the fucking face." But that's all it took to set him off at that time. He grabbed me by the arm and said we're leaving all because I called him an idiot in front of his family. He was mad at me now and acting like it. Disrespecting my property and disrespecting me verbally. My reaction to him spitting in my car at this point was to smack him upside the back of the head because I'm mad and he's going overboard with everything. Well, that was the wrong thing to do. I never should have let my emotions get the best of me because after that he backhanded me across the mouth and busted my lip again. You can imagine what I looked like at this point and the following morning. But I stuck by him because I felt it was my fault. I mean I shouldn't have been hitting him either but I was pregnant and mad. Sure that doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I just left it at that. I promise you we didn't have another incident like that until we moved several months later. For some reason, he started to drink more and more and with that he became worse and worse. He never so much hit me as he did verbally abuse me. Some may think being verbally abused is nothing but in all reality it can be just as bad only mentally. You eventually start to believe the things they tell you. You start to hate yourself and you become unhappy and you just take it. But the more you take it the more they do it and they say some of the most awful things you can imagine. Can you imagine being told you're a fat ugly whore and then being forced to have sex with them. Think about how you would feel in that situation and then tell me it's not abuse.
I don't know why he was like this. I really don't. I just know that something happened and he continued to get worse. He didn't appreciate anything either. So when I planned to leave him, I expected him to be upset. I tried to tell him for so long that I was leaving. He would start drinking and I would even tell him he was going to regret everything when I left. His response was always "OK whatever" or "Yeah OK" and that was is. So you can imagine how surprised I was at his calm reaction. But at the same time I knew he would be terribly hurt by the situation. But is that really enough to change someone? They say you never realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's more true even to people like him, then we realize. I say this because he has completely shocked me. Sure, it's only been a week but you can see a dramatic change in him. And honestly I know that deep down he is a good man. But somewhere along the way he lost himself and I suffered because of it. He begs me to give him another chance, but that is just impossible. You can't after so long believe that in one weeks time someone will change forever. They have to prove it, really prove it before you even consider another chance. And even then, you're not going to just wait around for them. You're heart just is not in it. The love you had for that person is gone. You will always care for them but you no longer love them and you don't know if you could ever love them again. But we cannot predict the future so we cannot say what the future holds for that person in your life. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson. I mean look at him. He's lost everything that meant something to him and even his family is telling him it's his own fault. Even if you can imagine losing someone you love and know you can go on without them, try to imagine losing your children. That is much harder to live without. Maybe, it's enough to change someone. It still does not mean that I will go back. And even if I did, it would not be till much later down the road. I have lived in misery for far too long. I will never put up with it again from anyone. And I've made it very clear to him that right now, I will be alone. He can make his changes and try to win me back over all he wants, but that does not mean that I will come back, not even in the future. But my focus that I try to get him to see, is on the here and now. And now, I need to be me and be happy with my children and find my true self again. A happy mother means happy children and my children deserve happiness in their lives. I can't say I don't feel bad for him or that I'm not sad. I've definitely done my share of crying over it. But that's a part of the process. Change is and always will be hard. But getting through it will only make you stronger and along the way you will learn so much about so many things including who you really are. To anyone who has been down this path or is going down this path...never give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The road will be so hard to travel. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Just look at me. Married and divorced before I ever even reached 25. I went through hell being abandoned by my husband while 8 weeks pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old. I then proceeded to lose my job and my home and everyone moved away and I felt alone. After my son was born he had a heart defect that meant he had open heart surgery by the time he was 7 months old (and I was lucky it wasn't more serious than it was). And then from there on, it's been nothing but abuse from the one man I thought was the best thing for my little family. And that's just my life. That doesn't include the lives of the people close to me who have been through their own hells and I there the whole way helping them and fighting with them trying to be strong and not let anyone know of my own troubles. Life can be hard but face each day with a smile and the attitude that it will get better and you will be ok. You will make it where you need to be.
-Amanda Kay
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Some of the Sweetest Thoughts
"I'm jealous of
the moon
because she knows all of your 5 am secrets.
And your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while i'll keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm
But the sun,
he is the luckiest of all.
When you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light." ----This is something I feel strongly for someone close in my life.
because she knows all of your 5 am secrets.
And your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while i'll keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm
But the sun,
he is the luckiest of all.
When you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light." ----This is something I feel strongly for someone close in my life.
Sometimes my heart aches for all the things that could be and the few things that should be and the things that never will be. Sometimes, my heart just aches. But while it aches, I have so much love to give and I give it to all those in my life. ---Deep down I knew we just couldn't be. There are just some things that cannot be that we must accept until a later date and time. It does not mean that it never will be, just that now is not the right now for it to me. That is where patience and love is key.
My heart says one thing my mind says another, I struggle so hard to put the pieces together but ones things for sure, I have more important things to tend to right now. It's out my hands for I cannot predict the future, I can only work towards the things I wish to be and let the almighty lead me where I should be. ---Again, it's just something that cannot happen at this time no matter what my heart says. I must accept that.
The feel of your lips still lingers on mine. The feel of that night keeps crossing my mind. I long for more, I just can't get it out. The sweetest embrace one might ever feel, there for a moment then gone with the wind for that's how it works in the life of my friend... ---You are the sweetest person I've ever met. We'd be truly happy together I know this as do you. But we both know that sometimes we cannot have the things our heart truly desires. There is a time and a place for everything and right now is simply not our time. But it does not mean that we cannot be friends. It may be hard at first but in the end, it may just bring us closer together for when our time comes. I know we did not plan it this way but things happen every day that are out of our control. But it's the sweet memories and the future possibilities that we have to hold on to.
---As I'm sure you can tell, this has a lot to do with love between two people. My goal when I set out to leave the man I've spent the last 6 years of my life with was to just be alone and not need anyone. This is just something that I need to do regardless of everything else. I need to know that I can do it by myself and that no matter what I will always be ok. Well I was always ok and would always find a way for everything but now I am ok financially and not needing to depend on anyone to care for my children and myself. So I had no intention of falling for anyone else. But the heart cannot help itself but to give and receive love. And that's exactly what my heart has done though it couldn't have happened at a more inappropriate time. You see, I've not even yet settled myself in any specific location. I'm still house hunting. You see, I have to be sincerely happy with whatever decision I make. For my happiness contributes to my children's happiness and allows me to live our lives more stress free. But in this process my heart has chosen to love another person even if from afar. For you see, I've expressed my feelings to this person and this person feels the same for me however due to certain circumstances which I cannot share, we cannot have a relationship with each other at this time. Does that mean that we cannot have one another in the future? No. It just simply means that now is not our time. The good thing is that I know how to keep the two things separate and have a friendship with him in the meantime. And that is what we are going to do. It's sad and it sucks that it has to be this way but we cannot help the things that have occurred in this past week and so we must accept the facts for this time.
On another note, I cannot say that this whole process has been easy because it most definitely has not. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's what I have to do. I've cried and cried some more. And I'm not done crying yet but I know there is a time and a place to allow such a thing. I have yet to make up my own mind in what I want to do from here even. It's just not an easy decision. I thought I had an apartment which I did. But everything kept going wrong with that to the point that once I signed the lease and went to finally walk the apartment...I walked in and there were roaches everywhere. That for me was the final straw. I couldn't stay there and was forced to break a lease that was only a day old. It was just the last sign I needed to know not to go there. So I'm back at square one searching for a new place to live. Searching for that perfect place and even thinking of possibly moving further than I wanted to in order to be closer to my job. You see, where I'm living now with my new hours, I just cannot get to my children on time and I'm using so much gas in the process, so it only makes sense to move where my work is and get the kids into a new school and go from there. It's a process but I have a month to make my mind up whether or not I'm going there or staying in the house I've been in and just repairing it. And that is where I am currently stuck. But, you know what! I'm much happier. Still stressed at this time but much happier already. And that is what truly counts.
Whenever life knocks you down, get up and keep moving. Push forward, find an alternate route, but never give up and never stop. So long as you keep moving you will eventually get there and will always have help along the way.
-Amanda Kay
Friday, March 1, 2013
Big Changes
The day has finally come in which I have chosen to make that big move. I will say that I worried about it constantly. I worried about whether I was doing the right thing in the right way. But I could not dwell on it long. The day to move was available, the people to help were available and so we moved my stuff while he was at work. Our plans didn't work out the way we had originally planned but over all we still got everything out and put in storage and I had a place to stay until my apartment was ready. I had some of the most wonderful people there to help me and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them. The hardest part of the day was telling him that I had moved out. How do you tell someone you just too everything you owned and left? It's not easy when you've spent the last 6 years of your life with that person. But it had to be done.
This past week, has been difficult. I've stayed in an extended stay hotel. I've talked to him every night. At first he says, are you sure you want to do this because this is your last chance. Then the next day and so on after he says he misses the kids and I. He says he realizes how badly he fucked up now that I'm gone. What he doesn't realize is that he waited too long to realize that. I tried every day to tell him. I care a great deal about him for so many reasons. But I do not love him any more. It's hard to love someone who constantly disrespects you for 4 years. I warned him. But he did not listen. Sure maybe now he realizes how serious I am and have been and will make those needed changes. Unfortunately it will not bring me back. I will be here and in his life, but it will never be the same. I mean I can't predict the future but in my life we don't go backwards, we move forward. I'm going places with my life. I'm finally able to take care of myself financially along with my three children. I don't need anyone but myself. From here on out, it's all want, never need.
This hasn't been easy on me. I never give up on anything. But sometimes with some things, there comes a time when you have no other choice. When it involves someone constantly disrespecting you, making you feel ugly and turning you into an ugly person, you can't continue that way. I've been miserable for some time now. No one would have ever guessed it if I hadn't told them. That's just me. I prefer happiness and positivity. Even in the few hours of sleep I've managed to accrue this week, I've still been me, happy and enjoying my day and the people I spend it with. There is still a long road ahead, but it can only go uphill from here.
I must honestly say that at this moment, I'm at a loss for words as I've got a great deal on my mind. Tomorrow I move into my apartment which has been a disaster from the beginning. It's so small compared to my house. I miss my house already and I've only been out of it a week. But the landlord cannot repair it fast enough for me to get back into it. So I must say goodbye to my big home with a back yard, great neighbors and perfect location. By this time next year my goal is to own my own home. And I have every intention of achieving that goal.
All we can do is keep looking up. You plan to move in and get told you can't, then you make arrangements. You go to walk your apartment and find roaches, you make arrangements. No matter what the obstacle, you keep pushing forward, making appropriate arrangements. Do this and nothing can stop you.
-Amanda Kay
This past week, has been difficult. I've stayed in an extended stay hotel. I've talked to him every night. At first he says, are you sure you want to do this because this is your last chance. Then the next day and so on after he says he misses the kids and I. He says he realizes how badly he fucked up now that I'm gone. What he doesn't realize is that he waited too long to realize that. I tried every day to tell him. I care a great deal about him for so many reasons. But I do not love him any more. It's hard to love someone who constantly disrespects you for 4 years. I warned him. But he did not listen. Sure maybe now he realizes how serious I am and have been and will make those needed changes. Unfortunately it will not bring me back. I will be here and in his life, but it will never be the same. I mean I can't predict the future but in my life we don't go backwards, we move forward. I'm going places with my life. I'm finally able to take care of myself financially along with my three children. I don't need anyone but myself. From here on out, it's all want, never need.
This hasn't been easy on me. I never give up on anything. But sometimes with some things, there comes a time when you have no other choice. When it involves someone constantly disrespecting you, making you feel ugly and turning you into an ugly person, you can't continue that way. I've been miserable for some time now. No one would have ever guessed it if I hadn't told them. That's just me. I prefer happiness and positivity. Even in the few hours of sleep I've managed to accrue this week, I've still been me, happy and enjoying my day and the people I spend it with. There is still a long road ahead, but it can only go uphill from here.
I must honestly say that at this moment, I'm at a loss for words as I've got a great deal on my mind. Tomorrow I move into my apartment which has been a disaster from the beginning. It's so small compared to my house. I miss my house already and I've only been out of it a week. But the landlord cannot repair it fast enough for me to get back into it. So I must say goodbye to my big home with a back yard, great neighbors and perfect location. By this time next year my goal is to own my own home. And I have every intention of achieving that goal.
All we can do is keep looking up. You plan to move in and get told you can't, then you make arrangements. You go to walk your apartment and find roaches, you make arrangements. No matter what the obstacle, you keep pushing forward, making appropriate arrangements. Do this and nothing can stop you.
-Amanda Kay
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