The day has finally come in which I have chosen to make that big move. I will say that I worried about it constantly. I worried about whether I was doing the right thing in the right way. But I could not dwell on it long. The day to move was available, the people to help were available and so we moved my stuff while he was at work. Our plans didn't work out the way we had originally planned but over all we still got everything out and put in storage and I had a place to stay until my apartment was ready. I had some of the most wonderful people there to help me and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them. The hardest part of the day was telling him that I had moved out. How do you tell someone you just too everything you owned and left? It's not easy when you've spent the last 6 years of your life with that person. But it had to be done.
This past week, has been difficult. I've stayed in an extended stay hotel. I've talked to him every night. At first he says, are you sure you want to do this because this is your last chance. Then the next day and so on after he says he misses the kids and I. He says he realizes how badly he fucked up now that I'm gone. What he doesn't realize is that he waited too long to realize that. I tried every day to tell him. I care a great deal about him for so many reasons. But I do not love him any more. It's hard to love someone who constantly disrespects you for 4 years. I warned him. But he did not listen. Sure maybe now he realizes how serious I am and have been and will make those needed changes. Unfortunately it will not bring me back. I will be here and in his life, but it will never be the same. I mean I can't predict the future but in my life we don't go backwards, we move forward. I'm going places with my life. I'm finally able to take care of myself financially along with my three children. I don't need anyone but myself. From here on out, it's all want, never need.
This hasn't been easy on me. I never give up on anything. But sometimes with some things, there comes a time when you have no other choice. When it involves someone constantly disrespecting you, making you feel ugly and turning you into an ugly person, you can't continue that way. I've been miserable for some time now. No one would have ever guessed it if I hadn't told them. That's just me. I prefer happiness and positivity. Even in the few hours of sleep I've managed to accrue this week, I've still been me, happy and enjoying my day and the people I spend it with. There is still a long road ahead, but it can only go uphill from here.
I must honestly say that at this moment, I'm at a loss for words as I've got a great deal on my mind. Tomorrow I move into my apartment which has been a disaster from the beginning. It's so small compared to my house. I miss my house already and I've only been out of it a week. But the landlord cannot repair it fast enough for me to get back into it. So I must say goodbye to my big home with a back yard, great neighbors and perfect location. By this time next year my goal is to own my own home. And I have every intention of achieving that goal.
All we can do is keep looking up. You plan to move in and get told you can't, then you make arrangements. You go to walk your apartment and find roaches, you make arrangements. No matter what the obstacle, you keep pushing forward, making appropriate arrangements. Do this and nothing can stop you.
-Amanda Kay
No comments:
Post a Comment