Some of the Sweetest Thoughts

"I'm jealous of the moon
because she knows all of your 5 am secrets.

And your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while i'll keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm

But the sun,
he is the luckiest of all.
When you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light." ----This is something I feel strongly for someone close in my life.

Sometimes my heart aches for all the things that could be and the few things that should be and the things that never will be. Sometimes, my heart just aches. But while it aches, I have so much love to give and I give it to all those in my life. ---Deep down I knew we just couldn't be. There are just some things that cannot be that we must accept until a later date and time. It does not mean that it never will be, just that now is not the right now for it to me. That is where patience and love is key.

My heart says one thing my mind says another, I struggle so hard to put the pieces together but ones things for sure, I have more important things to tend to right now. It's out my hands for I cannot predict the future, I can only work towards the things I wish to be and let the almighty lead me where I should be. ---Again, it's just something that cannot happen at this time no matter what my heart says. I must accept that.

The feel of your lips still lingers on mine. The feel of that night keeps crossing my mind. I long for more, I just can't get it out. The sweetest embrace one might ever feel, there for a moment then gone with the wind for that's how it works in the life of my friend... ---You are the sweetest person I've ever met. We'd be truly happy together I know this as do you. But we both know that sometimes we cannot have the things our heart truly desires. There is a time and a place for everything and right now is simply not our time. But it does not mean that we cannot be friends. It may be hard at first but in the end, it may just bring us closer together for when our time comes. I know we did not plan it this way but things happen every day that are out of our control. But it's the sweet memories and the future possibilities that we have to hold on to. 

---As I'm sure you can tell, this has a lot to do with love between two people. My goal when I set out to leave the man I've spent the last 6 years of my life with was to just be alone and not need anyone. This is just something that I need to do regardless of everything else. I need to know that I can do it by myself and that no matter what I  will always be ok. Well I was always ok and would always find a way for everything but now I am ok financially and not needing to depend on anyone to care for my children and myself. So I had no intention of falling for anyone else. But the heart cannot help itself but to give and receive love. And that's exactly what my heart has done though it couldn't have happened at a more inappropriate time. You see, I've not even yet settled myself in any specific location. I'm still house hunting. You see, I have to be sincerely happy with whatever decision I make. For my happiness contributes to my children's happiness and allows me to live our lives more stress free. But in this process my heart has chosen to love another person even if from afar. For you see, I've expressed my feelings to this person and this person feels the same for me however due to certain circumstances which I cannot share, we cannot have a relationship with each other at this time. Does that mean that we cannot have one another in the future? No. It just simply means that now is not our time. The good thing is that I know how to keep the two things separate and have a friendship with him in the meantime. And that is what we are going to do. It's sad and it sucks that it has to be this way but we cannot help the things that have occurred in this past week and so we must accept the facts for this time.

On another note, I cannot say that this whole process has been easy because it most definitely has not. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's what I have to do. I've cried and cried some more. And I'm not done crying yet but I know there is a time and a place to allow such a thing. I have yet to make up my own mind in what I want to do from here even. It's just not an easy decision. I thought I had an apartment which I did. But everything kept going wrong with that to the point that once I signed the lease and went to finally walk the apartment...I walked in and there were roaches everywhere. That for me was the final straw. I couldn't stay there and was forced to break a lease that was only a day old. It was just the last sign I needed to know not to go there. So I'm back at square one searching for a new place to live. Searching for that perfect place and even thinking of possibly moving further than I wanted to in order to be closer to my job. You see, where I'm living now with my new hours, I just cannot get to my children on time and I'm using so much gas in the process, so it only makes sense to move where my work is and get the kids into a new school and go from there. It's a process but I have a month to make my mind up whether or not I'm going there or staying in the house I've been in and just repairing it. And that is where I am currently stuck. But, you know what! I'm much happier. Still stressed at this time but much happier already. And that is what truly counts.

Whenever life knocks you down, get up and keep moving. Push forward, find an alternate route, but never give up and never stop. So long as you keep moving you will eventually get there and will always have help along the way. 

-Amanda Kay