Plans...

I never planned my life to be this way. After my last relationship failed...I promised myself I would not allow another to fail. I would not do anything to screw it up nor would I allow my partner to screw it up. I never planned to be married and divorced before I was 25. I never planned to be divorced ever in the first place. But things happen and we move on and face the facts of life and make the necessary adjustments and keep moving forward. Not matter what I told myself my next relationship wouldn't fail. And to sit here now and see how the last 6 years of my life has been...it's so hard. Some days are harder than others, especially being the beginning still (2 weeks in). I devoted myself to him. I loved him so much. I did everything to keep our relationship going. But at some point you must realize that, if the other person never tries, that it's going to end eventually. Not only that, but to be pushed away and hurt and disrespected and in front of your children...there is just no way that relationship will last. 

Today he asked a questions and I told him about the next tattoo I want to get. I want to get the music notes to the song Run by Pink wrapped around my ankle. I told him it's a song for my babies and he asked if he was one which in turn I asked him if I gave birth to him and he tells me that I brought smiles and laughter and happiness to his life which of course has set me off. For so long there has not been any smiles or laughter or even happiness in our home. And this saddens me even more because it shouldn't have been this way. I certainly didn't plan it this way nor did I work towards another failed relationship. 

I think it has really affected him but only time can tell that and I will still stand my ground and do what I need to do now and let a higher power guide me in the right direction. This is what I need to do. I cannot believe him as he's never kept his word before and he chose never to believe me and therefore this is how it has to be regardless of the fact that we just spent the last 6 years of our lives together. It's definitely true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. He's seeing it now. But now is too late. The love I once had is gone. All the years spent together almost feel like it was a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to explain. The feeling you have after spending so much time with someone in the way that we did for it to be like this in the end. So many times I cried myself to sleep because I dreaded what was coming. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Despite how he treated me, I dreaded hurting him because I knew that deep down in him there is a good person that he lost somewhere along the way. And I most certainly knew it would be difficult on my children and he thinks it's hard not seeing them every day like before, well imagine me having to listen to them cry sometimes because they want to see him and he's not there. So many different things that no one will ever truly know. My inner most thoughts and feelings. The things that cause the inner turmoil that I push aside until late at night when I can't sleep and I am alone in nothing but candle light with my computer. Life goes on. Things must be done. And this is how I deal. I bottle it up and wish and hope and pray and then let it all out on screen. It's a constant inner battle. But each day, I get up with a smile on my face, love my children and keep putting one foot in front of the other and push forward while I battle alone at night...

-Amanda Kay