I can't say I honestly remember when it all started. You see, we started dating not long after my ex husband just abandoned my daughter and I while I was 8 weeks pregnant and my daughter just barely a 1 1/2 years old back in 2007. Those were sad times really. But I met this great guy who helped me through it and it kind of went from there. He was already great really. And in 2009 we decided to move in together. My kids loved him. My son at the time didn't know his biological father as he had never met him and my daughter barely remembered him because she was so young the last time she saw him, so to them, this was their daddy. Not long after we moved in together he started with the verbal. It wasn't bad really. It was just here and there from time to time and all other times were great. He was so appreciative of everything. He even thanked me for dinner each night with a kiss. Things were pretty good between us.
The first time he ever hit me...I was pregnant with our daughter. I should have just left then but I was pregnant and not thinking straight and didn't know where I would go. But that night, it all started out stupidly. Every bit of abuse I ever endured from him was when he was drinking. This one particular night him and his nephews decided to play with this airsoft gun that was broken but still worked. It was someone elses turn but he wanted another turn and was not going to let them have the gun. He was only about a foot in front of me with the gun behind his back when it went off not 5 inches in front of my face. So you can imagine what it felt like when the pellet his my lip and busted my lip. And then imagine being pregnant while this is happening and then he just stands there like a dumb ass and looks at you. After everyone else has already ran to get you a napkin for your bleeding lip, he just looks at you and then finally asks if you're ok. Of course your not ok. Due to his stupidity you've been shot in the lip with an airsoft gun not five inches from your face and you're pregnant. Any number of other possibilities could have occurred with the tiny pellet and you were lucky it was just your lip. And on top of that you are emotional from pregnancy and so when someone stands there like a dumb ass and then finally asks you if you're ok when you're fighting to hold back tears because of what happened, you can expect their response to not be the nicest thing in the world. Now all I said was "No you idiot, I'm not ok, I just got shot in the fucking face." But that's all it took to set him off at that time. He grabbed me by the arm and said we're leaving all because I called him an idiot in front of his family. He was mad at me now and acting like it. Disrespecting my property and disrespecting me verbally. My reaction to him spitting in my car at this point was to smack him upside the back of the head because I'm mad and he's going overboard with everything. Well, that was the wrong thing to do. I never should have let my emotions get the best of me because after that he backhanded me across the mouth and busted my lip again. You can imagine what I looked like at this point and the following morning. But I stuck by him because I felt it was my fault. I mean I shouldn't have been hitting him either but I was pregnant and mad. Sure that doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I just left it at that. I promise you we didn't have another incident like that until we moved several months later. For some reason, he started to drink more and more and with that he became worse and worse. He never so much hit me as he did verbally abuse me. Some may think being verbally abused is nothing but in all reality it can be just as bad only mentally. You eventually start to believe the things they tell you. You start to hate yourself and you become unhappy and you just take it. But the more you take it the more they do it and they say some of the most awful things you can imagine. Can you imagine being told you're a fat ugly whore and then being forced to have sex with them. Think about how you would feel in that situation and then tell me it's not abuse.
I don't know why he was like this. I really don't. I just know that something happened and he continued to get worse. He didn't appreciate anything either. So when I planned to leave him, I expected him to be upset. I tried to tell him for so long that I was leaving. He would start drinking and I would even tell him he was going to regret everything when I left. His response was always "OK whatever" or "Yeah OK" and that was is. So you can imagine how surprised I was at his calm reaction. But at the same time I knew he would be terribly hurt by the situation. But is that really enough to change someone? They say you never realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's more true even to people like him, then we realize. I say this because he has completely shocked me. Sure, it's only been a week but you can see a dramatic change in him. And honestly I know that deep down he is a good man. But somewhere along the way he lost himself and I suffered because of it. He begs me to give him another chance, but that is just impossible. You can't after so long believe that in one weeks time someone will change forever. They have to prove it, really prove it before you even consider another chance. And even then, you're not going to just wait around for them. You're heart just is not in it. The love you had for that person is gone. You will always care for them but you no longer love them and you don't know if you could ever love them again. But we cannot predict the future so we cannot say what the future holds for that person in your life. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson. I mean look at him. He's lost everything that meant something to him and even his family is telling him it's his own fault. Even if you can imagine losing someone you love and know you can go on without them, try to imagine losing your children. That is much harder to live without. Maybe, it's enough to change someone. It still does not mean that I will go back. And even if I did, it would not be till much later down the road. I have lived in misery for far too long. I will never put up with it again from anyone. And I've made it very clear to him that right now, I will be alone. He can make his changes and try to win me back over all he wants, but that does not mean that I will come back, not even in the future. But my focus that I try to get him to see, is on the here and now. And now, I need to be me and be happy with my children and find my true self again. A happy mother means happy children and my children deserve happiness in their lives. I can't say I don't feel bad for him or that I'm not sad. I've definitely done my share of crying over it. But that's a part of the process. Change is and always will be hard. But getting through it will only make you stronger and along the way you will learn so much about so many things including who you really are. To anyone who has been down this path or is going down this path...never give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The road will be so hard to travel. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Just look at me. Married and divorced before I ever even reached 25. I went through hell being abandoned by my husband while 8 weeks pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old. I then proceeded to lose my job and my home and everyone moved away and I felt alone. After my son was born he had a heart defect that meant he had open heart surgery by the time he was 7 months old (and I was lucky it wasn't more serious than it was). And then from there on, it's been nothing but abuse from the one man I thought was the best thing for my little family. And that's just my life. That doesn't include the lives of the people close to me who have been through their own hells and I there the whole way helping them and fighting with them trying to be strong and not let anyone know of my own troubles. Life can be hard but face each day with a smile and the attitude that it will get better and you will be ok. You will make it where you need to be.
-Amanda Kay
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