Christmas day! It was nice waking up to my children excited to see they did get presents after all. You see, in my house there is no Christmas tree, and there are no presents. But when they wake up Christmas morning, they are surprised to find that they did in fact get presents. It was quite an enjoyable day despite the fact that it rained from Midnight to Noon. And then at Two PM, it started snowing hard. So we left early to go to my parents house as my parents would be watching my children for the week so that I could work and make up for days missed. I never thought that I'd come home to find someone sitting in the garage in the freezing cold, drinking as always. It seems that lately, every day that he does not have to work, he drinks the night before. When he drinks, is when things go bad. I can't even stand the thought of him drinking one beer any more because I know it will never stop there and will always escalate and honestly I don't know how much longer I can stand strong and firm and not snap on him.
So because of his drinking, he's of course hungry. Refuses to drink and drive anymore, especially since wrecking his car. So in order to keep the peace since I need rest for work the next day, I decide to go ahead and take him in my truck to get food though I do not want him in my truck. I tell him that so long as he does not spit, drink, smoke, or touch anything, I will give him a ride to get food. He of course agrees. Soon as we leave the gas station with cigarettes, he decides he wants to smoke one. I of course ask him nicely to please not smoke in my car and that's not what he wants so he lights it up. I then proceeded to pull over in the street since there were no cars coming and it was not busy this time of night in this weather and asked him to get out until he is done smoking his cigarette. This of course pissed him off and he did get out and proceeded to walk home on the ice after having drank too much, just so he can smoke his cigarette. He fell about 5 times on the first block alone. I followed him a block and a half trying to calm him down for the fact that I never told him to walk home from 5 blocks away in the freezing cold, nor did I want to deal with him after he got home in his bad mood. But he refused and so I eventually drove home.
Once he arrived he proceeded to get in his car and go get food. I took this opportunity to make my first police report in over a year on him drinking and driving. In order to get away from him and the abuse I must have these reports and the lady I spoke with the following morning after his threat to remove all my possessions from the home, she told me that I need to report all past events to the best of my ability before filing any other orders. She told me how to file for a protective order (which I cannot do until I am out of the house as they notify him). How to apply for assistance. How to get legal aide. All things I will need once I'm away in order to protect my children and myself.
You see, he didn't get out of control with me this time. The one time my children are not there to witness. But he was very angry. And honestly, when he's like this, I'm scared of him. Afraid to get anywhere near him for fear that the next time he wont just shove me out of his way, but instead will actually hit me. I cannot go on living this way. My goal was to make it to February but I just can't do this any more. For all I know, the next weekend he will seriously hurt myself or my children and I cannot risk it though I cannot seem to get out fast enough either. But I've been cleaning. Preparing. He doesn't believe me. He acts like nothing happened as always. But I've been silent. I no longer have anything to say to him. I cannot even ask him to move out. I did the first night but he refused as he will do whatever to make it difficult for me. So I will just move myself. And though he doesn't believe me, he will soon enough see how serious I am. He has never believed me on anything ever in the past years though I've never lied to him or don't anything to make him think otherwise. But that's his choice. Honestly I don't even know what is wrong with him. I know his father was abusive to all of his family. But he was making progress and doing so good at the beginning of the year that I was going to give it another shot and then about the middle of the year he just changed. And he continues to get worse. There is nothing else I can do or say and I will no longer try. He will just have to suffer the consequences. There is no turning back now. I'm getting out and continuing my move forward with my life and my children. We will start this year off great. I feel bad for the fact that I'm going to honestly hurt him, but I cannot continue to let him hurt me and I do not wish to hurt him but to protect my children will. The one thing that will seriously hurt him is not having his daughter and that's the one little person I must protect the most due to his stupidity. He would never intentionally hurt her but his lack of control could end in her injured therefore this is how it has to be.
For now, I am out.
-Amanda Kay
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
October 12, 2012
Because of the past years of my life and the fact that I devoted myself to someone so fully and promised I'd never be the cause of a failed relationship again, I decided I did not want to be with anyone. You see, I never thought I'd be married and divorced before 25 and then in another failed relationship. So after two, I decided I just wanted to be alone. At least for a while. You see I want to be very independent to where if a man decides to be a part of my life he is more than welcome to and I will not allow him to take care of me financially nor will I need him to. So I made up my mind to just get away, be single, get where I wish to be with my life with my children and then welcome any man who decides he might like to be a part of it.
On October 12th, I met someone. I didn't think anything of it. It was someone I had messaged on September 28th in search of an old friend from way back in elementary school. I'll never forget him. His name was David Moses. He was my best friend. And then one day he was gone. He had obviously moved but at some point came back for a short time but in the end was gone again. I've searched for him on many occasions and never been able to find him. Each time I search I came across the same person not thinking it was him. But after several times I decided to send a message anyways to see if just maybe it is him. It obviously wasn't but, instead it was an amazing man with the same name. I didn't think anything of it but we started talking and of course I naturally fell in love with this sweet man who really is so much like me, though it's not the type of love you're thinking. Now I have this strong connection with him to the point where I can sense when something is wrong without even really knowing. It's kind of scary because I have no intentions of being with anyone or loving anyone for a long time but yet I feel so strongly about this person. Now I find myself with mixed feelings because honestly I don't know what to do. I'm just not good at this anymore. So many failed attempts at love and relationships and right now I just want to focus on getting my life back together and where it should have been a while back. You see, ever since I moved in with this guy I share my home with in 2009, I've lost my job and struggled with everything financial because of it. After changing my attitude towards everything and making my ultimate goal to get away, I've finally found a great job which should be permanent next month. So now my dilemma is to keep my heart out of a mess and on my ultimate goals. But honestly you can't mess with love and love will always find away when you least expect it and do not search for it. And you know what. Though a very short time, I do totally love him in a way! He's given me things to think about in how life is and how people cross our paths the way they do.
-Amanda Kay
On October 12th, I met someone. I didn't think anything of it. It was someone I had messaged on September 28th in search of an old friend from way back in elementary school. I'll never forget him. His name was David Moses. He was my best friend. And then one day he was gone. He had obviously moved but at some point came back for a short time but in the end was gone again. I've searched for him on many occasions and never been able to find him. Each time I search I came across the same person not thinking it was him. But after several times I decided to send a message anyways to see if just maybe it is him. It obviously wasn't but, instead it was an amazing man with the same name. I didn't think anything of it but we started talking and of course I naturally fell in love with this sweet man who really is so much like me, though it's not the type of love you're thinking. Now I have this strong connection with him to the point where I can sense when something is wrong without even really knowing. It's kind of scary because I have no intentions of being with anyone or loving anyone for a long time but yet I feel so strongly about this person. Now I find myself with mixed feelings because honestly I don't know what to do. I'm just not good at this anymore. So many failed attempts at love and relationships and right now I just want to focus on getting my life back together and where it should have been a while back. You see, ever since I moved in with this guy I share my home with in 2009, I've lost my job and struggled with everything financial because of it. After changing my attitude towards everything and making my ultimate goal to get away, I've finally found a great job which should be permanent next month. So now my dilemma is to keep my heart out of a mess and on my ultimate goals. But honestly you can't mess with love and love will always find away when you least expect it and do not search for it. And you know what. Though a very short time, I do totally love him in a way! He's given me things to think about in how life is and how people cross our paths the way they do.
-Amanda Kay
Weekends In My Life
For a little while now I find myself dreading the weekends. You see, each weekend that passes always involves drama because the person I share my home with has become an alcoholic. Now he says he's not an alcoholic and that alcoholics drink every night but I think every weekend is too much as well especially when you drink a few and then you get carried away and don't know how to stop. Once you drink so many you start to do things you normally wouldn't do. And this particular person turns into a monster towards me. It never fails that we will end in a fight every Saturday night. I think to myself, just pack a bag, get the kids and just leave for the night. If only it were that easy to just leave. You see, if I leave now, even for the night, he will take it out on the animals and my possessions. I can do without my possessions but for an animal to be injured due to his anger towards me I cannot. And so I stick it out and deal with it. But because of him I dread even the thought of beer. I know that until I can come up with the money I cannot ever leave permanently. I'd love to just walk out and be done with it already, unfortunately there is a child support agreement that states he can have his weekends with our daughter. My children will all be hurt by the separation, but my youngest daughter, I cannot protect her if I am not there. No one seems to understand this until I explain to them the child support agreement that states his rights. I have to have $950 to have those rights removed in order to protect my daughter and so I stay here each weekend and pray to peace. And so I deal and wait for the weekend to end and things to be normal again....
But I have hope! And hope is all I need.
-Amanda Kay
But I have hope! And hope is all I need.
-Amanda Kay
Never Give Up
No matter what task you are faced with, you should always remember never to give up. There is always someone out there who has less or is faced with something worse. If you are to give up after your own obstacle gets in the way, then what are they to do when their's is much harder than yours to face.
I've encountered many obstacles throughout my life, some bigger than others. But I've always stood firm in my beliefs of never giving up. It's the hardest thing to do in some situations, but it's always the right thing to do. You never know what you will miss out on if you don't even try.
I like to tell people that anything is possible. They always look at me funny when I say things like that but just think about it as I explain to you like I always end of doing with them. If you really want something, anything, you have nothing to do but to just try. When you're a child and you want something, what do you do? You persist, you keep on, you NEVER give up and what happens when you do that? You in the end succeed in getting what you want. The few times that you might not, you learn another lesson from that as well. How to be patient because even then, in the end, you ultimately get what you wanted. Just think about it. How many times do we tell our children to quiet down or they wont get it?
So tell me, if you want something bad enough, you will try hard enough and the end result though it may be later, is that you get what you wanted.
Sometimes in life we are faced with difficult challenges. I face those challenges as well. For some time now I have been dealing with quite a difficult situation. Some days are harder than others but ultimately in the end I stay strong and stand firm and never give up. I know that while times may be tough now and that it may seem like for every one step forward I'm taking two steps back, but in the end I know my time is coming. I've worked hard for everything I have and will continue to push forward. I know that ultimately God has a plan for my family and I. He's placed some good and bad people in my life along the way but each one makes me stronger in a different way. Teaches me different things that help shape me into who I am and who I teach my children to be.
I've loved some in my life and even lost some. Everyone who has ever crossed my path has held a place in my heart in different ways. I choose not to hate anyone as hate is a very strong word. But I know that there are people who have hurt me so badly that I sometimes think it would have been better not to meet them but in the end I'm lucky to have met them regardless because God put them here for a reason and maybe I held onto them for just a bit too long, or rather longer than was the plan. People change each other. People sometimes bring out the best in you and sometimes the worst in you. I can honestly say that my current situation is not in the least bit fun. But I'm very thankful for having met this individual in July 2007. He really changed my life. I thank him for my son being here and blame myself for my sons heart defect. I thank him for giving me a beautiful little girl and I thank him for making me twice as strong and more aware of what I don't want when I finally find that person I'll spend my life with. Until then I must face each day with a smile on my face. I choose joy and happiness on a daily basis regardless of my situation. I choose to stay strong and continue to work hard towards every goal that I wish to reach. If anyone every needs the extra strength to get through a difficult time, come see me. I'm happy to help you.
-Amanda Kay
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Life Stresses-Keep Pushing Forward
Nobody ever said life was going to be easy right. Life is full of stresses and we must learn how to properly deal with them in order to get through the day. It's called staying positive, thinking things through and well, keeping on pushing forward with each new day that arrives.
For me, the recent stresses at my job have been enough to make me crazy. I'm a very organized person. I love having a clean well organized desk and getting tasks done fast and efficiently like I always do. Doesn't matter the job or task, I learn quickly and work well with all. So when my desk piles up and continues to not get any smaller and I feel as if I'm getting nothing done, my OCD starts to kick in and I get very overwhelmed and stressed and bothered by the whole ordeal. Here this past month at my job this has been my situation. Where I work, I actually have two job functions. My own job function and the one of another employee that recently left. Both job functions literally take a lot to get everything done so I'm expected to still work both and get both completed just as fast and efficiently as I was with just one. You see, this new job function that became mine as well, I'm the only one who knows how to do it. And that particular job function is the most time consuming and most hectic of all. Honestly I think with the end of the year everyone wants everything finished which is fine but because of it they call and call and call again in order to check the status of their request. What they fail to realize is that when they do this, they hold up the entire process.
Friday, I have over 400 requests for subordination's. I have to process 20 a day which when people call all day about it you don't get any where close to 20 completed. Not only that but you have to have all documents in order to complete it in the first place which means when they don't have it you have to make phone calls and send e-mails. All of that takes time. So when 5 different people call on one single account, it kind of holds you up on getting anything done and so instead of finishing what you were working on and getting to the next one, you get absolutely nothing done. That's what has been happening with the end of the year requests coming in. They continue to come in while others continue to not get done. So here's to the end of the year. Tons of work! But you know what? I love my job! I love the people I work with. I love what I do. Sure I loved my last job too but I love all jobs really! I love knowing things and learning and being good at the things that I do. So here's to the holidays and actually having a job. But man at the stress it brings with it sometimes.
For now, this is all I have to say. Ok well, not all but all I will say for now as it's late and well...a certain someone is back home to raise hell. Happy Holidays to all!
-Amanda Kay
For me, the recent stresses at my job have been enough to make me crazy. I'm a very organized person. I love having a clean well organized desk and getting tasks done fast and efficiently like I always do. Doesn't matter the job or task, I learn quickly and work well with all. So when my desk piles up and continues to not get any smaller and I feel as if I'm getting nothing done, my OCD starts to kick in and I get very overwhelmed and stressed and bothered by the whole ordeal. Here this past month at my job this has been my situation. Where I work, I actually have two job functions. My own job function and the one of another employee that recently left. Both job functions literally take a lot to get everything done so I'm expected to still work both and get both completed just as fast and efficiently as I was with just one. You see, this new job function that became mine as well, I'm the only one who knows how to do it. And that particular job function is the most time consuming and most hectic of all. Honestly I think with the end of the year everyone wants everything finished which is fine but because of it they call and call and call again in order to check the status of their request. What they fail to realize is that when they do this, they hold up the entire process.
Friday, I have over 400 requests for subordination's. I have to process 20 a day which when people call all day about it you don't get any where close to 20 completed. Not only that but you have to have all documents in order to complete it in the first place which means when they don't have it you have to make phone calls and send e-mails. All of that takes time. So when 5 different people call on one single account, it kind of holds you up on getting anything done and so instead of finishing what you were working on and getting to the next one, you get absolutely nothing done. That's what has been happening with the end of the year requests coming in. They continue to come in while others continue to not get done. So here's to the end of the year. Tons of work! But you know what? I love my job! I love the people I work with. I love what I do. Sure I loved my last job too but I love all jobs really! I love knowing things and learning and being good at the things that I do. So here's to the holidays and actually having a job. But man at the stress it brings with it sometimes.
For now, this is all I have to say. Ok well, not all but all I will say for now as it's late and well...a certain someone is back home to raise hell. Happy Holidays to all!
-Amanda Kay
Monday, December 17, 2012
2008 through 2012
It never fails to amaze me how quickly life can change from day to day. But yet I always manage to find a way to stay strong and get through the most challenging of things. This past weekend has been very challenging for me in many ways and it's given me a lot to think about. So let me start from back in 2008 at the birth of my son. I'll try to include as much detail as possible without being too lengthy to the point that no one wants to read this. I have to remember not everyone is a reader like myself.
So, in January 2008, my son was born. Only my mom was there. His dad had never been there through the pregnancy and most definitely not during the birth. Honestly my son didn't meat his biological father until the age of 3 1/2 years old during that summer he met him for the first time because my daughter was getting curious about who her biological father was because I never kept him out of their lives and shared pictures with them and such though he never really kept in touch. But anyways, back to my story.
My son was born, appeared perfectly healthy. I thanked my friend for that as I truly felt that if I hadn't met him after my ex husband left then I would have lost the baby because I was on the verge of depression at 8 weeks pregnant. Which also causes me to blame myself for my sons heart condition as I didn't take perfect care of myself. I don't know what I was thinking. During the first few months of my sons life, the man who had been there through it all, went out of town. He said for work but I still don't believe him because whether he started out one place or not, in the end he was with his ex who then got into his account and contacted me and started a whole bunch of problems. But that soon passed after he got back into town. It was so odd seeing him again for the first time. I just felt so nervous. We spent a great deal of time together too. During this time I started to notice things with my son and when he went for a well child check they noticed a heart murmur. My daughter had one as well so you would think I wouldn't worry but when they said that I just knew it was more serious this time. I mean we had been seeing the doctor because he was having acid reflux and congestion and not gaining weight properly. After I asked for medication for his congestion, that is when they were able to hear the heart murmur and referred us to Children's. When we got to Children's turns out my son had a hole in his heart and it was big enough that it was not going to close on it's own. So at this point they started him on additional medications and we tried different diet plans to help him gain and continue to gain weight and he was just always tired and always hungry. His heart was working overtime much like if you body is exercising 24/7 and it just couldn't keep up and so he would gain and then lose weight all the time. Our goal was to try to get him to continue gaining weight so he could wait to have the surgery at an older age when they could go through his leg versus cutting his chest open. Needless to say, that never happened, instead we spent my daughters 2nd birthday in the hospital because my son had open heart surgery at the age of 7 months old. I'll never forget that day. I was strong and held it together until they called me to tell me they were cooling his body temperature down and putting him under. I guess at that point it became real to me and I started to cry. During the whole thing my friend and my family was there for me. Not his biological dad. My friend even stayed the night at the hospital with me. And I must tell you, watching my son get wheeled by, still under, to his ICU room was hard. It would be another thirty minutes before I could see him. Once back there he was just starting to come to and he was trying to cry and couldn't because of the breathing tube. I watched them remove the breathing tube which was hard. He tried to cry and tried to cry and even after it was removed he could hardly cry and all I could do was hold his little hand because he just came out of surgery. But my little man was such a trooper. He was out of ICU faster than any baby usually is. The next morning he had the rest of his tubes removed which I couldn't bare to watch because they are more painful to remove, so I stepped out of the room to discuss financials with a lady at the facility. By lunch time he was moved up to a regular room and only stayed one additional night before going home. Couldn't bathe him til his incision was healed which we had to go back to the hospital because it started to get infected. His skin was having a reaction to the dermabond. Because of his, a portion of the scar is more noticeable than the other, but all still look way smaller as he gets bigger and you'd never know he ever had surgery. Doctors tell you, you'll never know, they'll be full of energy after this. Oh how right they are! My son is ADHD now. During that time my friend was there for us through it all and my job even held a fundraiser to help me pay bills while out of work because I had to stay home with my son temporarily.
After all of that we continued to stay with my friend more and more. Honestly by this time I'd say we were definitely more than friends. For my birthday in 2009 we went and looked at houses and apartments. March 14, 2009 we moved in together. I was in school, working full time and things were going great. Not long after moving in together I found out I was pregnant and I just knew it was going to be a girl. He didn't believe me at first because he had tried for ten years with his ex with no luck but she got pregnant quickly after they split. At this point, he was still ok. He drank too much in my opinion but he was extra loving when he drank. That was the only times he ever showed me love. Every now and then though he would get rude verbally because I thought at his age he shouldn't be staying out so late. The first time he ever really hurt me, I provoked him. And I know everyone always says the same thing when I tell them this "that's what someone being abused would say" but that's not the case. Before that he had never really gotten violent with me and that particular night they were all playing around drinking at his families house and it was his turn with the pellet gun when it went off from five inches in front of my face and busted my lip. I knew it was an accident but me being pregnant, my reactions were worse. I mean he just shot me in the lip and busted my lip open and then stood there with this dumb look on his face while everyone else ran to grab me a tissue for my bleeding lip. After about five minutes he finally asked if I was ok and by then I was not, I was pregnant, I was upset and I spoke my mind. I told him "not I'm not ok you stupid idiot!" and that's all it took to set him off. My calling him an idiot in front of his family was a bad idea, but hey I was pregnant and hurt. So he said "let's go" because he was pissed and we left. Then he starts to disrespect my property and I start hitting him while trying to drive us home. This pisses him off more and he backhands me across the mouth busting the other side of my lip open.
After that it was more just a little verbal abuse here and there but more just I hated him going out drinking so much and staying up so late and leaving me home to just deal with everything by myself while he had fun being a kid at 36 years old.
That December our baby girl was born. He was there but of course left to go party after. And because of it didn't show up the next morning to sign the birth certificate. So we had to have it amended after that.
From there things continued about the same. It was bearable and really not so bad but not perfect. I mean at the time I loved him. I devoted myself to him because I told myself I was not going to make the same mistakes twice or have another failed relationship. I gave him my all entirely. But after the birth of our daughter I obviously didn't have a job because he had made me quit my last job and I just had a baby. Our daughter needed things and he wasn't willing to provide them. One night we were even at his families house. Our daughter had no diapers and he said he had no money. Then he left and came back with beer. His sister spoke up to him and asked where the diapers were because he should have brought diapers. But he didn't care. So I put him on child support. Stupid because I live with him but at least I knew my daughter was taken care of from that point on. Things continued to get worse with the drinking but I stopped going with him ever. And he was still appreciative and loving to me. He thanked me every night for dinner with a kiss. Still cuddled with me in bed. But after a while that stopped too but not til we move. In 2010 we moved to our current house. We moved early and I paid two months rent at our apartment so as not to break the lease because had enough bad history, and then paid first last and deposit for our current house. After moving here, things just got out of control. I don't know what happened or when exactly it got to the point where I stopped loving him but it happened. I mean between 2010 and now at the end of 2012, somewhere in there I stopped loving him because of everything. I mean he got worse. He started to verbally abuse me all the time and then he started getting a bit physical but really only shoving and what not. The second time he ever laid hands on me was also my fault. Every time he comes in the kitchen while I'm cooking I grab a spatula and pretend to hit him with it because he's trying to eat the food instead of wait while meanwhile the kids have been waiting and they understand less. This particular time, I grabbed a spatula that had a metal end and a plastic handle. Needless to say the metal part came off the plastic handle and it sliced his cheek open right below his eye. Could have been so much worse, thank God it was not. But he doesn't see the piece still in my hand nor does he believe my "are you ok" that I immediately asked in shocked disbelief and so he immediately charges me and goes straight for the next and pushes me up against the wall. But that's about all that happened.
From there it was just more shoving over the months. And the verbal abuse got so bad. I started hating the person I was becoming. And we were growing further apart. The cops had been called on him twice during this time. Once when he got into a fight with my dad because of his stupidity at drinking and driving and then just leaving me there because I wouldn't get in the car with him. The other time my parents called the cops because he shoved me while I had our then 1 year old daughter in my arms. I did nothing to him them. And that all started over two dogs we never should have had. He was beating up on the dog and my family started beating up on him and my mom who never speaks up told him she was leaving because of him and that just pissed him off.
I didn't like the person I was becoming because of him. Nothing but stress and I started gaining weight. I was disgusted with myself. All I ever heard from him was mean things. He would call me all sorts of degrading names, he was completely disrespectful of me and everything, never appreciated anything. It was just too much and so I decided in the beginning of 2012 that I had had enough. I hadn't been in love with him for some time now. I started making changes in myself and making plans for the future without him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried to just live a civilized life for the sake of the kids and not care about everything and hoped things would stop but they didn't. He only continued to get worse. So I made even more plans for myself and my children. The only problem is there is a child support agreement that says he gets his every other weekend. I can't risk him having our daughter alone because he is so immature and drinks too much and doesn't think. No he wouldn't hurt her on purpose but he sure as hell would drink and not think straight and so I continue to stick around for now.
I also worry I don't really have a lot of proof. I really don't. I have my word against his and then my kids who see things and hear things but they are young so not reliable witness in this. I hate to bring my kids into the battle. So the only proof I have is from the night my friend came down. Of course as always he was drinking and I just ignored it and did my own thing with my friend when out of nowhere he starts calling me names. So I went outside to park my car and he comes running outside to block me from parking and starts hitting my car and when I get out, he shoves me against my truck. My friend caught this on camera. They should have called the police as they said. Probably would have been for the best even though I was just as much angered and provoking him at that point.
So what do I have against him really is my thoughts but my Attorney insures me that they specialize in this and always win. But I still worry. So what are my plans at this point? Well, my first plan is to come up with the $950 for my Attorney for the moment I walk out the door or tell him to because that pays for the temporary order keeping him from my daughter unsupervised and the start of the actual custody battle. Sometimes when I think about it I feel terrible because my goal is not to take him away from any of my children though when it comes down to this point he wouldn't even try to see my other two because they are not his though they feel like he is their daddy. He's the one who has been there since my oldest was 1 1/2 years old and I was just barely pregnant with my son. Until last year, he was the only daddy my son even knew and the only one my daughter really remembered. If there were a way to leave peacefully without a custody battle I would take it. He's always welcome to come any time to see the kids. I just don't want him to be alone with them for weekends or anything for their safety. And I know he wont agree to that so I have no choice. But I don't have the money yet and so I just deal with him still until I have it. I mean once I tell him to leave I have to have the money for court as well as the money for rent. At the beginning of the year, I finally get hired on permanent for the company I have worked for the past 6 months. The pay will be great. Not to mention I already make enough to get by even paying rent. At that time I'll have extra money for saving and I'll be going back to school again. I'll have two degrees at the end of two years. So really everything is finally starting to look up for my family. It's been a very hard past 5 years but I've made it through. And that's what matters. Now if I can continue to avoid the conflicts such as the ones from the past weekend that happened, I'll be great. I've not got much further to go and I know I can do it. I still feel terrible because I know I will hurt him and I don't believe it giving pain to someone but this I cannot help as it's my daughters safety regardless of how he's treated me. But another weekend like this past and the cops will be involved and it will be over just like that and I will be left to struggle the last two months. But I just cannot take it anymore or subject my children to that.
You're probably wondering what happened this past weekend. Well, he told my daughter to jump off his car and that he would catch her. She trusted him and he didn't and she landed on her side. He refused to let me have her after he hurt her and that's caused an argument between us and he just dropped my daughter to the ground and charged after me taking me to the ground. He always goes for my neck. I had tons of red marks but only one scrape whereas he ended up with claw marks on his neck and I punched him in the eye. After that things just continued to escalate and I saw a side of myself I have never seen as well as showed it to him. I reacted in a way I have never ever reacted to anything. But when you involve my children, you're going to hear it. I didn't even really raise my voice much but even my voice showed signs of the stress the next day. And all the while I'm worried about my cousins kids as well. It's just so much but I know I'm strong enough to get through these last two months and I just pray every day for the strength to keep going through it. My family doesn't even understand why I'm here. I try to explain to them that without money I'm stuck because there is a child support agreement that says he has weekend rights and I can't protect her if I'm not there.
I must say, these are only the most important events of this time. But it has been so bad for so long and I'm to the point of breaking as I just cannot stand up alone in the same home as him any longer. I'm ready for it to be over though at the same time, it's sad for all that is lost. You cannot make someone love you. And you cannot make someone see their bad choices and the mistakes they are making. All you can do is try and try I did with all my might to make things work. At this point, I don't believe there would ever been hope again for us. I just cannot change my thinking on him just like he cannot stop his drinking. If he could stop his drinking things might change. But that wont happen. Just like him trying to pretend to be loving now after so long not, just will not change my view of him. Sometimes you just have to keep moving on no matter how hard it is. And that's what I'm doing!
-Amanda Kay
So, in January 2008, my son was born. Only my mom was there. His dad had never been there through the pregnancy and most definitely not during the birth. Honestly my son didn't meat his biological father until the age of 3 1/2 years old during that summer he met him for the first time because my daughter was getting curious about who her biological father was because I never kept him out of their lives and shared pictures with them and such though he never really kept in touch. But anyways, back to my story.
My son was born, appeared perfectly healthy. I thanked my friend for that as I truly felt that if I hadn't met him after my ex husband left then I would have lost the baby because I was on the verge of depression at 8 weeks pregnant. Which also causes me to blame myself for my sons heart condition as I didn't take perfect care of myself. I don't know what I was thinking. During the first few months of my sons life, the man who had been there through it all, went out of town. He said for work but I still don't believe him because whether he started out one place or not, in the end he was with his ex who then got into his account and contacted me and started a whole bunch of problems. But that soon passed after he got back into town. It was so odd seeing him again for the first time. I just felt so nervous. We spent a great deal of time together too. During this time I started to notice things with my son and when he went for a well child check they noticed a heart murmur. My daughter had one as well so you would think I wouldn't worry but when they said that I just knew it was more serious this time. I mean we had been seeing the doctor because he was having acid reflux and congestion and not gaining weight properly. After I asked for medication for his congestion, that is when they were able to hear the heart murmur and referred us to Children's. When we got to Children's turns out my son had a hole in his heart and it was big enough that it was not going to close on it's own. So at this point they started him on additional medications and we tried different diet plans to help him gain and continue to gain weight and he was just always tired and always hungry. His heart was working overtime much like if you body is exercising 24/7 and it just couldn't keep up and so he would gain and then lose weight all the time. Our goal was to try to get him to continue gaining weight so he could wait to have the surgery at an older age when they could go through his leg versus cutting his chest open. Needless to say, that never happened, instead we spent my daughters 2nd birthday in the hospital because my son had open heart surgery at the age of 7 months old. I'll never forget that day. I was strong and held it together until they called me to tell me they were cooling his body temperature down and putting him under. I guess at that point it became real to me and I started to cry. During the whole thing my friend and my family was there for me. Not his biological dad. My friend even stayed the night at the hospital with me. And I must tell you, watching my son get wheeled by, still under, to his ICU room was hard. It would be another thirty minutes before I could see him. Once back there he was just starting to come to and he was trying to cry and couldn't because of the breathing tube. I watched them remove the breathing tube which was hard. He tried to cry and tried to cry and even after it was removed he could hardly cry and all I could do was hold his little hand because he just came out of surgery. But my little man was such a trooper. He was out of ICU faster than any baby usually is. The next morning he had the rest of his tubes removed which I couldn't bare to watch because they are more painful to remove, so I stepped out of the room to discuss financials with a lady at the facility. By lunch time he was moved up to a regular room and only stayed one additional night before going home. Couldn't bathe him til his incision was healed which we had to go back to the hospital because it started to get infected. His skin was having a reaction to the dermabond. Because of his, a portion of the scar is more noticeable than the other, but all still look way smaller as he gets bigger and you'd never know he ever had surgery. Doctors tell you, you'll never know, they'll be full of energy after this. Oh how right they are! My son is ADHD now. During that time my friend was there for us through it all and my job even held a fundraiser to help me pay bills while out of work because I had to stay home with my son temporarily.
After all of that we continued to stay with my friend more and more. Honestly by this time I'd say we were definitely more than friends. For my birthday in 2009 we went and looked at houses and apartments. March 14, 2009 we moved in together. I was in school, working full time and things were going great. Not long after moving in together I found out I was pregnant and I just knew it was going to be a girl. He didn't believe me at first because he had tried for ten years with his ex with no luck but she got pregnant quickly after they split. At this point, he was still ok. He drank too much in my opinion but he was extra loving when he drank. That was the only times he ever showed me love. Every now and then though he would get rude verbally because I thought at his age he shouldn't be staying out so late. The first time he ever really hurt me, I provoked him. And I know everyone always says the same thing when I tell them this "that's what someone being abused would say" but that's not the case. Before that he had never really gotten violent with me and that particular night they were all playing around drinking at his families house and it was his turn with the pellet gun when it went off from five inches in front of my face and busted my lip. I knew it was an accident but me being pregnant, my reactions were worse. I mean he just shot me in the lip and busted my lip open and then stood there with this dumb look on his face while everyone else ran to grab me a tissue for my bleeding lip. After about five minutes he finally asked if I was ok and by then I was not, I was pregnant, I was upset and I spoke my mind. I told him "not I'm not ok you stupid idiot!" and that's all it took to set him off. My calling him an idiot in front of his family was a bad idea, but hey I was pregnant and hurt. So he said "let's go" because he was pissed and we left. Then he starts to disrespect my property and I start hitting him while trying to drive us home. This pisses him off more and he backhands me across the mouth busting the other side of my lip open.
After that it was more just a little verbal abuse here and there but more just I hated him going out drinking so much and staying up so late and leaving me home to just deal with everything by myself while he had fun being a kid at 36 years old.
That December our baby girl was born. He was there but of course left to go party after. And because of it didn't show up the next morning to sign the birth certificate. So we had to have it amended after that.
From there things continued about the same. It was bearable and really not so bad but not perfect. I mean at the time I loved him. I devoted myself to him because I told myself I was not going to make the same mistakes twice or have another failed relationship. I gave him my all entirely. But after the birth of our daughter I obviously didn't have a job because he had made me quit my last job and I just had a baby. Our daughter needed things and he wasn't willing to provide them. One night we were even at his families house. Our daughter had no diapers and he said he had no money. Then he left and came back with beer. His sister spoke up to him and asked where the diapers were because he should have brought diapers. But he didn't care. So I put him on child support. Stupid because I live with him but at least I knew my daughter was taken care of from that point on. Things continued to get worse with the drinking but I stopped going with him ever. And he was still appreciative and loving to me. He thanked me every night for dinner with a kiss. Still cuddled with me in bed. But after a while that stopped too but not til we move. In 2010 we moved to our current house. We moved early and I paid two months rent at our apartment so as not to break the lease because had enough bad history, and then paid first last and deposit for our current house. After moving here, things just got out of control. I don't know what happened or when exactly it got to the point where I stopped loving him but it happened. I mean between 2010 and now at the end of 2012, somewhere in there I stopped loving him because of everything. I mean he got worse. He started to verbally abuse me all the time and then he started getting a bit physical but really only shoving and what not. The second time he ever laid hands on me was also my fault. Every time he comes in the kitchen while I'm cooking I grab a spatula and pretend to hit him with it because he's trying to eat the food instead of wait while meanwhile the kids have been waiting and they understand less. This particular time, I grabbed a spatula that had a metal end and a plastic handle. Needless to say the metal part came off the plastic handle and it sliced his cheek open right below his eye. Could have been so much worse, thank God it was not. But he doesn't see the piece still in my hand nor does he believe my "are you ok" that I immediately asked in shocked disbelief and so he immediately charges me and goes straight for the next and pushes me up against the wall. But that's about all that happened.
From there it was just more shoving over the months. And the verbal abuse got so bad. I started hating the person I was becoming. And we were growing further apart. The cops had been called on him twice during this time. Once when he got into a fight with my dad because of his stupidity at drinking and driving and then just leaving me there because I wouldn't get in the car with him. The other time my parents called the cops because he shoved me while I had our then 1 year old daughter in my arms. I did nothing to him them. And that all started over two dogs we never should have had. He was beating up on the dog and my family started beating up on him and my mom who never speaks up told him she was leaving because of him and that just pissed him off.
I didn't like the person I was becoming because of him. Nothing but stress and I started gaining weight. I was disgusted with myself. All I ever heard from him was mean things. He would call me all sorts of degrading names, he was completely disrespectful of me and everything, never appreciated anything. It was just too much and so I decided in the beginning of 2012 that I had had enough. I hadn't been in love with him for some time now. I started making changes in myself and making plans for the future without him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried to just live a civilized life for the sake of the kids and not care about everything and hoped things would stop but they didn't. He only continued to get worse. So I made even more plans for myself and my children. The only problem is there is a child support agreement that says he gets his every other weekend. I can't risk him having our daughter alone because he is so immature and drinks too much and doesn't think. No he wouldn't hurt her on purpose but he sure as hell would drink and not think straight and so I continue to stick around for now.
I also worry I don't really have a lot of proof. I really don't. I have my word against his and then my kids who see things and hear things but they are young so not reliable witness in this. I hate to bring my kids into the battle. So the only proof I have is from the night my friend came down. Of course as always he was drinking and I just ignored it and did my own thing with my friend when out of nowhere he starts calling me names. So I went outside to park my car and he comes running outside to block me from parking and starts hitting my car and when I get out, he shoves me against my truck. My friend caught this on camera. They should have called the police as they said. Probably would have been for the best even though I was just as much angered and provoking him at that point.
So what do I have against him really is my thoughts but my Attorney insures me that they specialize in this and always win. But I still worry. So what are my plans at this point? Well, my first plan is to come up with the $950 for my Attorney for the moment I walk out the door or tell him to because that pays for the temporary order keeping him from my daughter unsupervised and the start of the actual custody battle. Sometimes when I think about it I feel terrible because my goal is not to take him away from any of my children though when it comes down to this point he wouldn't even try to see my other two because they are not his though they feel like he is their daddy. He's the one who has been there since my oldest was 1 1/2 years old and I was just barely pregnant with my son. Until last year, he was the only daddy my son even knew and the only one my daughter really remembered. If there were a way to leave peacefully without a custody battle I would take it. He's always welcome to come any time to see the kids. I just don't want him to be alone with them for weekends or anything for their safety. And I know he wont agree to that so I have no choice. But I don't have the money yet and so I just deal with him still until I have it. I mean once I tell him to leave I have to have the money for court as well as the money for rent. At the beginning of the year, I finally get hired on permanent for the company I have worked for the past 6 months. The pay will be great. Not to mention I already make enough to get by even paying rent. At that time I'll have extra money for saving and I'll be going back to school again. I'll have two degrees at the end of two years. So really everything is finally starting to look up for my family. It's been a very hard past 5 years but I've made it through. And that's what matters. Now if I can continue to avoid the conflicts such as the ones from the past weekend that happened, I'll be great. I've not got much further to go and I know I can do it. I still feel terrible because I know I will hurt him and I don't believe it giving pain to someone but this I cannot help as it's my daughters safety regardless of how he's treated me. But another weekend like this past and the cops will be involved and it will be over just like that and I will be left to struggle the last two months. But I just cannot take it anymore or subject my children to that.
You're probably wondering what happened this past weekend. Well, he told my daughter to jump off his car and that he would catch her. She trusted him and he didn't and she landed on her side. He refused to let me have her after he hurt her and that's caused an argument between us and he just dropped my daughter to the ground and charged after me taking me to the ground. He always goes for my neck. I had tons of red marks but only one scrape whereas he ended up with claw marks on his neck and I punched him in the eye. After that things just continued to escalate and I saw a side of myself I have never seen as well as showed it to him. I reacted in a way I have never ever reacted to anything. But when you involve my children, you're going to hear it. I didn't even really raise my voice much but even my voice showed signs of the stress the next day. And all the while I'm worried about my cousins kids as well. It's just so much but I know I'm strong enough to get through these last two months and I just pray every day for the strength to keep going through it. My family doesn't even understand why I'm here. I try to explain to them that without money I'm stuck because there is a child support agreement that says he has weekend rights and I can't protect her if I'm not there.
I must say, these are only the most important events of this time. But it has been so bad for so long and I'm to the point of breaking as I just cannot stand up alone in the same home as him any longer. I'm ready for it to be over though at the same time, it's sad for all that is lost. You cannot make someone love you. And you cannot make someone see their bad choices and the mistakes they are making. All you can do is try and try I did with all my might to make things work. At this point, I don't believe there would ever been hope again for us. I just cannot change my thinking on him just like he cannot stop his drinking. If he could stop his drinking things might change. But that wont happen. Just like him trying to pretend to be loving now after so long not, just will not change my view of him. Sometimes you just have to keep moving on no matter how hard it is. And that's what I'm doing!
-Amanda Kay
Friday, December 14, 2012
In One Single Day
So the events of today warrant a different writing. It seems I'm straying from my purpose of this blog for the need to just write and express myself. Something I love to do and do so well. I'll just have to make some edits for the purpose of organizing the information.
So the information I am about to share will be better understood with some background information which I had planned to provide and have yet to do so. Because of that I am forced to do my best to get the information out there at this moment before going into detail of the events of my day.
I must say my day started off well. Talked to my boss about my position and the expected pay which is supposed to be great and it's really going to change my life for the better financially. And not to mention other things I can't yet share here because of my situation. But it will be amazing. And then to top it off, my boss bought my three children a gift for Christmas. But then I received a phone call that completely changed my day. So let me tell you about my cousin. I will not include names for the purpose of protecting their identities.
So my cousin had a hard life growing up. She was one of 5 children. The two oldest had one father who they lived with, and the other three had a different father who they didn't know. One of them stayed with an Aunt of ours his entire life and if was just the two girls. CPS got involved many times taking the kids and giving them to my parents and so I grew up with these two of my cousins in my life. I became very close to the one cousin who is my age. One day the state gave her back to her mom and from there she got into drugs and everything else and ended up pregnant at 15. She had her son and then later a daughter and then got into more trouble and CPS got involved and at this point she was pregnant with her third child but with another man. I was contacted and asked to take custody of the unborn child at birth and so she came and stayed with me and my then husband. For six months I had this beautiful little boy and my cousin worked hard to straighten her life up. Then CPS decided to give the child to his father in Mexico because they can't do background checks on people in Mexico. So of course the baby and the momma went to Mexico. She stayed for a while. He stabbed her in the leg to keep her there, she got pregnant and she talked him into coming back to Texas to have the baby. They got settled in and were doing great and even had a third child. Things were going good for her and she was bettering herself and her families and even decided to leave the father of her children who was abusive to her. She left, her sister stayed there. One day her sister called to get a ride to see her kids baby daddy and then refused to take her daughter. That night, August 4th, 2011 that beautiful little girl was murdered in front of her three cousins before she ever even reached the age of two. That night turned her life upside down because even though she had done nothing wrong, her children were taken from her, their father put in prison, and then she lost her job and her house and it just continued downhill. Not everyone is as strong as I am and she couldn't deal with this. She had everything she needed given to her during this rough time so that she could recuperate from the death of her niece. You see, she practically raised her niece as her own as the momma of the child was abusive to the child, so she felt like this child was her child.
Because of that one night, my cousin lost everything she had worked so hard for. And because she couldn't bare to be alone in the home she was given, she moved back to trouble. I could no long even reach her and I worried about her children which by the way she fought to get back and I helped her pay the expenses to do so. Here lately, I've been very worried, you see I have this ability to know things in advance, to sense things. Just yesterday morning I was talking about calling CPS for the children because I know what she was doing and couldn't reach her to get the children. The next day, today, I received a call from someone I didn't know. I didn't answer and they called back so I figured it must be important so I answered and they said they were told to call me to tell me to call this number to go get he kids for her. I called and left a message and then tried to get as much information as possible from the other individual. Finally it came out that he was lying to me about her location and she was there all along. And the other person finally called me back and the children had already been picked up by CPS. I was able to obtain the contact information and after a few more calls I was in touch with the actual case worker I needed to speak with. Most likely due to the fact that she abandoned her children and went back to drugs, I will receive permanent full custody of these three children. I already have three children close in age to those. I have two girls and a boy, she has two boys and a girl and they are each one year younger than mine. Sure after the first of the year I can do it. I manage anything, but it's a lot to take on. And there is a lot to be considered however the State is going to do everything in their power to assist me and get me to take the children rather than a stranger. I tried to get my cousin here with me to get her away from the bad before she kills herself and she ran off. If I can't take the children I know one other who can but he is not family.
At this point, my life is completely possibly changing in three weeks. Not getting any worse but at the same time this could still feel like that set back I've been expecting however it's not a set back. Just additional responsibility. For now, this is where it stands...
-Amanda Kay
So the information I am about to share will be better understood with some background information which I had planned to provide and have yet to do so. Because of that I am forced to do my best to get the information out there at this moment before going into detail of the events of my day.
I must say my day started off well. Talked to my boss about my position and the expected pay which is supposed to be great and it's really going to change my life for the better financially. And not to mention other things I can't yet share here because of my situation. But it will be amazing. And then to top it off, my boss bought my three children a gift for Christmas. But then I received a phone call that completely changed my day. So let me tell you about my cousin. I will not include names for the purpose of protecting their identities.
So my cousin had a hard life growing up. She was one of 5 children. The two oldest had one father who they lived with, and the other three had a different father who they didn't know. One of them stayed with an Aunt of ours his entire life and if was just the two girls. CPS got involved many times taking the kids and giving them to my parents and so I grew up with these two of my cousins in my life. I became very close to the one cousin who is my age. One day the state gave her back to her mom and from there she got into drugs and everything else and ended up pregnant at 15. She had her son and then later a daughter and then got into more trouble and CPS got involved and at this point she was pregnant with her third child but with another man. I was contacted and asked to take custody of the unborn child at birth and so she came and stayed with me and my then husband. For six months I had this beautiful little boy and my cousin worked hard to straighten her life up. Then CPS decided to give the child to his father in Mexico because they can't do background checks on people in Mexico. So of course the baby and the momma went to Mexico. She stayed for a while. He stabbed her in the leg to keep her there, she got pregnant and she talked him into coming back to Texas to have the baby. They got settled in and were doing great and even had a third child. Things were going good for her and she was bettering herself and her families and even decided to leave the father of her children who was abusive to her. She left, her sister stayed there. One day her sister called to get a ride to see her kids baby daddy and then refused to take her daughter. That night, August 4th, 2011 that beautiful little girl was murdered in front of her three cousins before she ever even reached the age of two. That night turned her life upside down because even though she had done nothing wrong, her children were taken from her, their father put in prison, and then she lost her job and her house and it just continued downhill. Not everyone is as strong as I am and she couldn't deal with this. She had everything she needed given to her during this rough time so that she could recuperate from the death of her niece. You see, she practically raised her niece as her own as the momma of the child was abusive to the child, so she felt like this child was her child.
Because of that one night, my cousin lost everything she had worked so hard for. And because she couldn't bare to be alone in the home she was given, she moved back to trouble. I could no long even reach her and I worried about her children which by the way she fought to get back and I helped her pay the expenses to do so. Here lately, I've been very worried, you see I have this ability to know things in advance, to sense things. Just yesterday morning I was talking about calling CPS for the children because I know what she was doing and couldn't reach her to get the children. The next day, today, I received a call from someone I didn't know. I didn't answer and they called back so I figured it must be important so I answered and they said they were told to call me to tell me to call this number to go get he kids for her. I called and left a message and then tried to get as much information as possible from the other individual. Finally it came out that he was lying to me about her location and she was there all along. And the other person finally called me back and the children had already been picked up by CPS. I was able to obtain the contact information and after a few more calls I was in touch with the actual case worker I needed to speak with. Most likely due to the fact that she abandoned her children and went back to drugs, I will receive permanent full custody of these three children. I already have three children close in age to those. I have two girls and a boy, she has two boys and a girl and they are each one year younger than mine. Sure after the first of the year I can do it. I manage anything, but it's a lot to take on. And there is a lot to be considered however the State is going to do everything in their power to assist me and get me to take the children rather than a stranger. I tried to get my cousin here with me to get her away from the bad before she kills herself and she ran off. If I can't take the children I know one other who can but he is not family.
At this point, my life is completely possibly changing in three weeks. Not getting any worse but at the same time this could still feel like that set back I've been expecting however it's not a set back. Just additional responsibility. For now, this is where it stands...
-Amanda Kay
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Word From Me
I'm the type of person who really enjoys writing. I'll write for as long as time permits. I always have something to say.
Today, I spoke with someone who was very interesting. It's by far the longest phone conversation I've ever held at work with a customer. But it was quite enjoyable and I learned many new things during that hour. When I came home as my shift was over by the time the phone call ended, I was super charged by the conversation though I mostly just listened which if you know me, you know that's difficult to do and I'm on the other end making notes of everything that comes to mind I'd like to say back to the individual when they are done talking. So when I got home, I of course was talking about this individual and our lovely conversation. The point was brought up that he told me he's a licensed clinical therapist and that I mostly just listened for an hour. At those words, I was told "Psychologists talk allot don't they!" and yes I knew immediately that they were also referring to me and I was doing just that, talking non stop as I always do. But regardless, this individual shared some very interesting things with me and I must say it was an amazing ending to my day. And just reminds me how much I love people. Funny though because I'm really such a shy person.
But on to why I came here tonight. I created this blog for many reasons. One of course being my love of writing. I could write every day and love writing to people however I tend to write so much that not everyone likes getting my letters and so I try to find other places to let my writing flow, hence the reason I now have this little space to call my own. I've always wanted one I must admit but I just love my handwritten journals so much. Only problem with those is I haven't been keeping up with them too great for the past few years. That of course is because of the situations I was in and I've since been working on it, but you see the problem is, now I don't have as much time and well aside from liking the sound of my fingers hitting the keys, typing is much faster. So yet again, here I am! So my other reasoning for having this blog here is to share other writings I've created, not just free writing. I'd love feedback on the things I've written. I am a published writer you know. And lastly, I wanted a place to detail the last 9 years of my life. You see, the last 9 years of my life, while I have been happy, I have been through many things that some would never have guessed. Sure nothing was too bad, at least people wouldn't think so, but they were still certainly very difficult to me when experiencing them. But, to detail the information allows for me to write it once and freely share it with those who should or would like to read it so that they know. I also chose to share all these details of my life so that others like me who are not near as strong as I am, have someone they can relate to and read about and get inspiration from. You never know, someone may be going through something similar to my own situation but not be handling it near as well as I am and therefore be contemplating suicide when they just happen across my blog and read it and get the inspiration and courage they need to keep going. That there is my ultimate goal with this. But I will of course need to do a bit more organizing of the content to better suite the needs of those who choose to read and share in my life and my journey and have a better understanding of me as a person.
So for now, I leave you here as I have decided that there are more details to the past events already discussed, that should also be shared and for that I must have time. With the end of the year approaching and everything just falling into place around me (something I'm most definitely not used to that keeps me thinking, ok when is that next bad thing going to happen that always does). But to stay positive, walk with confidance, and just be the best you can be, is what is ultimately important and will lead to the proper outcome. So goodnight my friends! Until next post!
-Amanda Kay
Today, I spoke with someone who was very interesting. It's by far the longest phone conversation I've ever held at work with a customer. But it was quite enjoyable and I learned many new things during that hour. When I came home as my shift was over by the time the phone call ended, I was super charged by the conversation though I mostly just listened which if you know me, you know that's difficult to do and I'm on the other end making notes of everything that comes to mind I'd like to say back to the individual when they are done talking. So when I got home, I of course was talking about this individual and our lovely conversation. The point was brought up that he told me he's a licensed clinical therapist and that I mostly just listened for an hour. At those words, I was told "Psychologists talk allot don't they!" and yes I knew immediately that they were also referring to me and I was doing just that, talking non stop as I always do. But regardless, this individual shared some very interesting things with me and I must say it was an amazing ending to my day. And just reminds me how much I love people. Funny though because I'm really such a shy person.
But on to why I came here tonight. I created this blog for many reasons. One of course being my love of writing. I could write every day and love writing to people however I tend to write so much that not everyone likes getting my letters and so I try to find other places to let my writing flow, hence the reason I now have this little space to call my own. I've always wanted one I must admit but I just love my handwritten journals so much. Only problem with those is I haven't been keeping up with them too great for the past few years. That of course is because of the situations I was in and I've since been working on it, but you see the problem is, now I don't have as much time and well aside from liking the sound of my fingers hitting the keys, typing is much faster. So yet again, here I am! So my other reasoning for having this blog here is to share other writings I've created, not just free writing. I'd love feedback on the things I've written. I am a published writer you know. And lastly, I wanted a place to detail the last 9 years of my life. You see, the last 9 years of my life, while I have been happy, I have been through many things that some would never have guessed. Sure nothing was too bad, at least people wouldn't think so, but they were still certainly very difficult to me when experiencing them. But, to detail the information allows for me to write it once and freely share it with those who should or would like to read it so that they know. I also chose to share all these details of my life so that others like me who are not near as strong as I am, have someone they can relate to and read about and get inspiration from. You never know, someone may be going through something similar to my own situation but not be handling it near as well as I am and therefore be contemplating suicide when they just happen across my blog and read it and get the inspiration and courage they need to keep going. That there is my ultimate goal with this. But I will of course need to do a bit more organizing of the content to better suite the needs of those who choose to read and share in my life and my journey and have a better understanding of me as a person.
So for now, I leave you here as I have decided that there are more details to the past events already discussed, that should also be shared and for that I must have time. With the end of the year approaching and everything just falling into place around me (something I'm most definitely not used to that keeps me thinking, ok when is that next bad thing going to happen that always does). But to stay positive, walk with confidance, and just be the best you can be, is what is ultimately important and will lead to the proper outcome. So goodnight my friends! Until next post!
-Amanda Kay
Monday, December 10, 2012
2004 through 2007
The year 2004 was the year of my graduation from High School, the year I got married and the year I got pregnant with my first child. I love school! I went to a community college temporarily until there was an issue with my financial aid. I always wanted to continue my education but I wanted just as much to have a family. I always thought I'd get married once and have my family but boy was I wrong. But the end of the year I had met someone and was dating. My parents were planning to move out soon and the plan was always for me to stay where I was in this little hick town I grew up in though I much prefer the city. I had a life there, friends, great job, etc. But when I met this guy, my mom decided the plans needed to change because she didn't want me living there if I was dating someone. Crazy in my opinion because I could easily move into my own apartment or something and date if I wanted. But who could say no to free rent and I surely didn't want to lose my job I had had all those years.
So the dilemma I was given was get married or move with us. Now I hadn't been dating this guy for long so what could I really now about our relationship at this time. We really never even went on a date per say. But what decision did I make in order to have my freedom at the age of 18? Get married. So I got married a week later, December 19, 2004. That's also the night I got pregnant with my first child though I didn't know it for months because it was all new to me. I was super excited when I found out but totally afraid to tell my parents.
If you ask me now would I make the same decision again, I'd have to say yes because from it I have two beautiful children. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
With the pregnancy of course came morning sickness. I asked my boss for a week off and he refused stating "If I let you take time off then you wont want to come back!" How wrong was he in saying that! I loved my job and was working towards manager but with being pregnant and sick at that point, I just could not work at such speeds or around the raw chicken without getting sick. So what did I do? I quit. I hate being stuck at home not working but what could I do? I was going to end up hurt from passing out at work.
From there things were ok except that I was at home allot. I still took my best friend to work every day and picked him up in the middle of the night. That's what friends are for and he had always been there for me. A couple months after I quit though, he decided he was moving out to be with his girlfriend and I of course, pregnancy hormones running high was not happy because not only was a I losing my best friend but well, he left the room a complete mess and who had to clean it? I did. Just like I had to mow the yard in 100 degree weather and the grass 3 feet tall because my husband stated the lawnmower didn't work. Yes it did. I have to say, with being newly married, I didn't think much about him being lazy sometimes and I having to do things myself. Nor did I complain when he wrecked my car and then proceeding to wreck the truck we bought him, we being my parents and I.So then I was stuck without transportation while pregnant meaning my parents had to drive and hour to get me and take me an hour even further to my doctors appointment. That's what ya get living in the country. So what did we decided to do? We moved!
We moved to the city, about 15 minutes from my parents new home. I liked it there, could walk to the store daily. I love walking! It was awesome! I walked everywhere. Didn't need a car except for doctor visits. Which by the way I didn't change doctors because being about 9 months along, no new doctor is going to take you on. We just scheduled to be induced and the problem was solved. About this time my parents bought me a used car to get around so everything was going great, other than we were still not well financially because my husband couldn't keep a job. This was another thing I didn't let bother me at the time. I just kept getting him a new job. Yes I got him his jobs. Lucky for me, he was smart enough to play along when the company called before I could tell him I applied for it.
So our daughter was born in September. Exactly 9 months from the day we got married. September 19, 2005. Beautiful little girl. 7 pounds 13 1/2 ounces and 21 inches long. She had practically no hair but what she had was red. Now she's a blonde. I remember people chasing us through the store to tell us how beautiful she was and that she should be in the Gerber commercials. But good luck getting on those. You have to just happen to find the right agency they use. My daughter had the biggest blue eyes ever and still does. She still hardly has hair as well. But anyways, I can talk more about my kids in future posts. For now I'm trying to get every thing else out there. Get all the bad out of the way and then talk freely of all the good.
So, with this new job, my husband was gone allot. He was doing great with keeping the job to be honest and I don't remember exactly what happened with the job. I just remember the last time I remember him working for them, he went out of town and came back having only made about $300. When he went out of town, he would always bring home $2000. So this was a big difference and he simply said, they didn't have much work. But this company does not send you out of town for no work. So our problems began. I'm not going to lie though, I had my own share of wrong doings, but we both were the cause of our failed marriage which literally disintegrated after the birth of my cousins little boy. You see, my cousin came to stay with us while pregnant. We were to get custody of her unborn child. My cousin is a real bad girl! So you can imagine the influence she is to someone close to her when that person is already struggling in her marriage and life. Didn't do anything really bad, just had too much fun. Took advantage of the husband. He was home being lazy, might as well make him watch the kids right! So six months later we move to an even bigger apartment. Which by the way during this time we moved from our house, to a one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment and now were moving to a three bedroom apartment and my best friend was moving in with us as well. Our daughters were going to grow up together seeing as to how even though we moved so far apart we got pregnant at the same time. Plus this would help out on bills tremendously.
So we moved. And yet again I did most the work myself. And while pregnant because what do you know, we just found out we were expecting again. A few weeks into the new apartment and the little boy I had raised for 6 months was being sent to Mexico. Turns out you can't do background checks on people in Mexico and so his dad got him though not a suitable parent. So my cousin went with him in effort to be with her son. Then my best friend moved because her baby daddy wanted them back. And then...my husband "went out of town for work." Later than night, I got a phone call stating "I went to my dads in Austin and I'm not coming back. I didn't really go to work." So 8 weeks pregnant, raising a 1 1/2 year old, everyone just left me including my husband, my world was falling apart and to top it off, I lost my job.
From there I literally went downhill. My daughter was terrified of all men. Would scream bloody murder at even a hello from some grandpa at the store. I wasn't taking care of myself well either. I was on the verge of depression when I met the man in my life now. I have to say, I was thankful for him. He changed my view and helped me through everything. And then I moved in with my grandmother in Dallas where I stayed until January 2008.
During those three years, I had good times and bad times and when I look back now I feel like, it only made me stronger and more of who I am today, but it sure was hard. I had a husband who was lazy and then abandoned me and our two children. My precious little boy was taken away to Mexico, taking my cousin with him. And my best friend was pulled away too. I was all alone until I met him.
My husband kept in touch a little those first six months with our daughter but stopped calling so much after he had her one weekend and brought her back sick and dehydrated. At this point, my new man was there for us. And of course my grandmother who also helped me apply for assistance to get a divorce. Unfortunately my husband decided to apply himself though he didn't qualify, making me inelligible. So I paid for it myself $100 at a time with my unemployment money as no one would hire me while pregnant. But I let life go on and didn't let anything slow me down.
-Amanda Kay
So the dilemma I was given was get married or move with us. Now I hadn't been dating this guy for long so what could I really now about our relationship at this time. We really never even went on a date per say. But what decision did I make in order to have my freedom at the age of 18? Get married. So I got married a week later, December 19, 2004. That's also the night I got pregnant with my first child though I didn't know it for months because it was all new to me. I was super excited when I found out but totally afraid to tell my parents.
If you ask me now would I make the same decision again, I'd have to say yes because from it I have two beautiful children. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
With the pregnancy of course came morning sickness. I asked my boss for a week off and he refused stating "If I let you take time off then you wont want to come back!" How wrong was he in saying that! I loved my job and was working towards manager but with being pregnant and sick at that point, I just could not work at such speeds or around the raw chicken without getting sick. So what did I do? I quit. I hate being stuck at home not working but what could I do? I was going to end up hurt from passing out at work.
From there things were ok except that I was at home allot. I still took my best friend to work every day and picked him up in the middle of the night. That's what friends are for and he had always been there for me. A couple months after I quit though, he decided he was moving out to be with his girlfriend and I of course, pregnancy hormones running high was not happy because not only was a I losing my best friend but well, he left the room a complete mess and who had to clean it? I did. Just like I had to mow the yard in 100 degree weather and the grass 3 feet tall because my husband stated the lawnmower didn't work. Yes it did. I have to say, with being newly married, I didn't think much about him being lazy sometimes and I having to do things myself. Nor did I complain when he wrecked my car and then proceeding to wreck the truck we bought him, we being my parents and I.So then I was stuck without transportation while pregnant meaning my parents had to drive and hour to get me and take me an hour even further to my doctors appointment. That's what ya get living in the country. So what did we decided to do? We moved!
We moved to the city, about 15 minutes from my parents new home. I liked it there, could walk to the store daily. I love walking! It was awesome! I walked everywhere. Didn't need a car except for doctor visits. Which by the way I didn't change doctors because being about 9 months along, no new doctor is going to take you on. We just scheduled to be induced and the problem was solved. About this time my parents bought me a used car to get around so everything was going great, other than we were still not well financially because my husband couldn't keep a job. This was another thing I didn't let bother me at the time. I just kept getting him a new job. Yes I got him his jobs. Lucky for me, he was smart enough to play along when the company called before I could tell him I applied for it.
So our daughter was born in September. Exactly 9 months from the day we got married. September 19, 2005. Beautiful little girl. 7 pounds 13 1/2 ounces and 21 inches long. She had practically no hair but what she had was red. Now she's a blonde. I remember people chasing us through the store to tell us how beautiful she was and that she should be in the Gerber commercials. But good luck getting on those. You have to just happen to find the right agency they use. My daughter had the biggest blue eyes ever and still does. She still hardly has hair as well. But anyways, I can talk more about my kids in future posts. For now I'm trying to get every thing else out there. Get all the bad out of the way and then talk freely of all the good.
So, with this new job, my husband was gone allot. He was doing great with keeping the job to be honest and I don't remember exactly what happened with the job. I just remember the last time I remember him working for them, he went out of town and came back having only made about $300. When he went out of town, he would always bring home $2000. So this was a big difference and he simply said, they didn't have much work. But this company does not send you out of town for no work. So our problems began. I'm not going to lie though, I had my own share of wrong doings, but we both were the cause of our failed marriage which literally disintegrated after the birth of my cousins little boy. You see, my cousin came to stay with us while pregnant. We were to get custody of her unborn child. My cousin is a real bad girl! So you can imagine the influence she is to someone close to her when that person is already struggling in her marriage and life. Didn't do anything really bad, just had too much fun. Took advantage of the husband. He was home being lazy, might as well make him watch the kids right! So six months later we move to an even bigger apartment. Which by the way during this time we moved from our house, to a one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment and now were moving to a three bedroom apartment and my best friend was moving in with us as well. Our daughters were going to grow up together seeing as to how even though we moved so far apart we got pregnant at the same time. Plus this would help out on bills tremendously.
So we moved. And yet again I did most the work myself. And while pregnant because what do you know, we just found out we were expecting again. A few weeks into the new apartment and the little boy I had raised for 6 months was being sent to Mexico. Turns out you can't do background checks on people in Mexico and so his dad got him though not a suitable parent. So my cousin went with him in effort to be with her son. Then my best friend moved because her baby daddy wanted them back. And then...my husband "went out of town for work." Later than night, I got a phone call stating "I went to my dads in Austin and I'm not coming back. I didn't really go to work." So 8 weeks pregnant, raising a 1 1/2 year old, everyone just left me including my husband, my world was falling apart and to top it off, I lost my job.
From there I literally went downhill. My daughter was terrified of all men. Would scream bloody murder at even a hello from some grandpa at the store. I wasn't taking care of myself well either. I was on the verge of depression when I met the man in my life now. I have to say, I was thankful for him. He changed my view and helped me through everything. And then I moved in with my grandmother in Dallas where I stayed until January 2008.
During those three years, I had good times and bad times and when I look back now I feel like, it only made me stronger and more of who I am today, but it sure was hard. I had a husband who was lazy and then abandoned me and our two children. My precious little boy was taken away to Mexico, taking my cousin with him. And my best friend was pulled away too. I was all alone until I met him.
My husband kept in touch a little those first six months with our daughter but stopped calling so much after he had her one weekend and brought her back sick and dehydrated. At this point, my new man was there for us. And of course my grandmother who also helped me apply for assistance to get a divorce. Unfortunately my husband decided to apply himself though he didn't qualify, making me inelligible. So I paid for it myself $100 at a time with my unemployment money as no one would hire me while pregnant. But I let life go on and didn't let anything slow me down.
-Amanda Kay
Saturday, December 8, 2012
A Fresh Start or New Beginning
Welcome to my blog! I've never owned a blog before though I've thought of doing so for such a long time. I honestly prefer a hand written journal however time does not allow for hand writing near as much as it used to and I've always loved to type and just listen to the keys as my fingers fly across he keyboard at amazing speeds and almost keep up with the thoughts flowing through my head. I must say, I'm very excited to be starting this and hope to do a really awesome job of keeping up with it regularly and getting better and better and using this and taking it really to a whole new level. But for now we are stuck with the basics.
On this blog throughout the next few weeks (maybe more), you are going to see a fairly detailed story of my life up until now. You see, a little less than 6 months ago, I made a plan to change. Which I will describe in more detail later. With this new year coming, and more new things happening, I felt it was truly time to document everything up to this point and really start fresh as I have been working so hard to do.
Most people who know me, even if just by acquaintance, do not really know my story. And when they even find out a hair of my story, they are simply amazed at my attitude and happiness that I express and share on a daily basis. You see, I've been through some rough times for a while now, and yet you would never have guessed it by seeing me on a daily basis. I'm sure most of my Google + followers would even be shocked. You see, I'm just a genuinely happy, loving and caring person. I give my all to those around me, I share uplifting stories and such. I just never let the pain I have experienced show. And now, it's time to let it all out and let go and move forward with my life and I have been planning to do for a few months. I really feel that this upcoming year is going to be my year and going to be great. And let me tell you, I've noticed it's an odd numbered year and I must say I have a bit of OCD when it comes to odd numbers. I truly hate them. Something that started when I was young and just felt the need to always have an even number so that I may share with whoever, if needed. Granted I'd give my all if needed but I loved to share and also have some for myself. And so now, it's kind of become a bit of an obsession but just for being an odd number, nothing else because now I know even odd numbers can be shared. One can be split into half. But all the same, this is going to be my year and starting off great. Here is what I see thus far for the new year:
New Year, New Me (name change is final first of the year), New Job, New Term Starts for New Degree, and then best of all 4 days into the New year is MY birthday! So just in the first 4 days, there will be 5 amazing things occurring in my life. And the amazing things will only continue on as I'm a very positive person. So here's to this New Blog and the upcoming New Year! I hope you all will enjoy my writings but be prepared to read as most times I write a ton. And with that, I'm out!
-Amanda Kay
On this blog throughout the next few weeks (maybe more), you are going to see a fairly detailed story of my life up until now. You see, a little less than 6 months ago, I made a plan to change. Which I will describe in more detail later. With this new year coming, and more new things happening, I felt it was truly time to document everything up to this point and really start fresh as I have been working so hard to do.
Most people who know me, even if just by acquaintance, do not really know my story. And when they even find out a hair of my story, they are simply amazed at my attitude and happiness that I express and share on a daily basis. You see, I've been through some rough times for a while now, and yet you would never have guessed it by seeing me on a daily basis. I'm sure most of my Google + followers would even be shocked. You see, I'm just a genuinely happy, loving and caring person. I give my all to those around me, I share uplifting stories and such. I just never let the pain I have experienced show. And now, it's time to let it all out and let go and move forward with my life and I have been planning to do for a few months. I really feel that this upcoming year is going to be my year and going to be great. And let me tell you, I've noticed it's an odd numbered year and I must say I have a bit of OCD when it comes to odd numbers. I truly hate them. Something that started when I was young and just felt the need to always have an even number so that I may share with whoever, if needed. Granted I'd give my all if needed but I loved to share and also have some for myself. And so now, it's kind of become a bit of an obsession but just for being an odd number, nothing else because now I know even odd numbers can be shared. One can be split into half. But all the same, this is going to be my year and starting off great. Here is what I see thus far for the new year:
New Year, New Me (name change is final first of the year), New Job, New Term Starts for New Degree, and then best of all 4 days into the New year is MY birthday! So just in the first 4 days, there will be 5 amazing things occurring in my life. And the amazing things will only continue on as I'm a very positive person. So here's to this New Blog and the upcoming New Year! I hope you all will enjoy my writings but be prepared to read as most times I write a ton. And with that, I'm out!
-Amanda Kay
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)