It never fails to amaze me how quickly life can change from day to day. But yet I always manage to find a way to stay strong and get through the most challenging of things. This past weekend has been very challenging for me in many ways and it's given me a lot to think about. So let me start from back in 2008 at the birth of my son. I'll try to include as much detail as possible without being too lengthy to the point that no one wants to read this. I have to remember not everyone is a reader like myself.
So, in January 2008, my son was born. Only my mom was there. His dad had never been there through the pregnancy and most definitely not during the birth. Honestly my son didn't meat his biological father until the age of 3 1/2 years old during that summer he met him for the first time because my daughter was getting curious about who her biological father was because I never kept him out of their lives and shared pictures with them and such though he never really kept in touch. But anyways, back to my story.
My son was born, appeared perfectly healthy. I thanked my friend for that as I truly felt that if I hadn't met him after my ex husband left then I would have lost the baby because I was on the verge of depression at 8 weeks pregnant. Which also causes me to blame myself for my sons heart condition as I didn't take perfect care of myself. I don't know what I was thinking. During the first few months of my sons life, the man who had been there through it all, went out of town. He said for work but I still don't believe him because whether he started out one place or not, in the end he was with his ex who then got into his account and contacted me and started a whole bunch of problems. But that soon passed after he got back into town. It was so odd seeing him again for the first time. I just felt so nervous. We spent a great deal of time together too. During this time I started to notice things with my son and when he went for a well child check they noticed a heart murmur. My daughter had one as well so you would think I wouldn't worry but when they said that I just knew it was more serious this time. I mean we had been seeing the doctor because he was having acid reflux and congestion and not gaining weight properly. After I asked for medication for his congestion, that is when they were able to hear the heart murmur and referred us to Children's. When we got to Children's turns out my son had a hole in his heart and it was big enough that it was not going to close on it's own. So at this point they started him on additional medications and we tried different diet plans to help him gain and continue to gain weight and he was just always tired and always hungry. His heart was working overtime much like if you body is exercising 24/7 and it just couldn't keep up and so he would gain and then lose weight all the time. Our goal was to try to get him to continue gaining weight so he could wait to have the surgery at an older age when they could go through his leg versus cutting his chest open. Needless to say, that never happened, instead we spent my daughters 2nd birthday in the hospital because my son had open heart surgery at the age of 7 months old. I'll never forget that day. I was strong and held it together until they called me to tell me they were cooling his body temperature down and putting him under. I guess at that point it became real to me and I started to cry. During the whole thing my friend and my family was there for me. Not his biological dad. My friend even stayed the night at the hospital with me. And I must tell you, watching my son get wheeled by, still under, to his ICU room was hard. It would be another thirty minutes before I could see him. Once back there he was just starting to come to and he was trying to cry and couldn't because of the breathing tube. I watched them remove the breathing tube which was hard. He tried to cry and tried to cry and even after it was removed he could hardly cry and all I could do was hold his little hand because he just came out of surgery. But my little man was such a trooper. He was out of ICU faster than any baby usually is. The next morning he had the rest of his tubes removed which I couldn't bare to watch because they are more painful to remove, so I stepped out of the room to discuss financials with a lady at the facility. By lunch time he was moved up to a regular room and only stayed one additional night before going home. Couldn't bathe him til his incision was healed which we had to go back to the hospital because it started to get infected. His skin was having a reaction to the dermabond. Because of his, a portion of the scar is more noticeable than the other, but all still look way smaller as he gets bigger and you'd never know he ever had surgery. Doctors tell you, you'll never know, they'll be full of energy after this. Oh how right they are! My son is ADHD now. During that time my friend was there for us through it all and my job even held a fundraiser to help me pay bills while out of work because I had to stay home with my son temporarily.
After all of that we continued to stay with my friend more and more. Honestly by this time I'd say we were definitely more than friends. For my birthday in 2009 we went and looked at houses and apartments. March 14, 2009 we moved in together. I was in school, working full time and things were going great. Not long after moving in together I found out I was pregnant and I just knew it was going to be a girl. He didn't believe me at first because he had tried for ten years with his ex with no luck but she got pregnant quickly after they split. At this point, he was still ok. He drank too much in my opinion but he was extra loving when he drank. That was the only times he ever showed me love. Every now and then though he would get rude verbally because I thought at his age he shouldn't be staying out so late. The first time he ever really hurt me, I provoked him. And I know everyone always says the same thing when I tell them this "that's what someone being abused would say" but that's not the case. Before that he had never really gotten violent with me and that particular night they were all playing around drinking at his families house and it was his turn with the pellet gun when it went off from five inches in front of my face and busted my lip. I knew it was an accident but me being pregnant, my reactions were worse. I mean he just shot me in the lip and busted my lip open and then stood there with this dumb look on his face while everyone else ran to grab me a tissue for my bleeding lip. After about five minutes he finally asked if I was ok and by then I was not, I was pregnant, I was upset and I spoke my mind. I told him "not I'm not ok you stupid idiot!" and that's all it took to set him off. My calling him an idiot in front of his family was a bad idea, but hey I was pregnant and hurt. So he said "let's go" because he was pissed and we left. Then he starts to disrespect my property and I start hitting him while trying to drive us home. This pisses him off more and he backhands me across the mouth busting the other side of my lip open.
After that it was more just a little verbal abuse here and there but more just I hated him going out drinking so much and staying up so late and leaving me home to just deal with everything by myself while he had fun being a kid at 36 years old.
That December our baby girl was born. He was there but of course left to go party after. And because of it didn't show up the next morning to sign the birth certificate. So we had to have it amended after that.
From there things continued about the same. It was bearable and really not so bad but not perfect. I mean at the time I loved him. I devoted myself to him because I told myself I was not going to make the same mistakes twice or have another failed relationship. I gave him my all entirely. But after the birth of our daughter I obviously didn't have a job because he had made me quit my last job and I just had a baby. Our daughter needed things and he wasn't willing to provide them. One night we were even at his families house. Our daughter had no diapers and he said he had no money. Then he left and came back with beer. His sister spoke up to him and asked where the diapers were because he should have brought diapers. But he didn't care. So I put him on child support. Stupid because I live with him but at least I knew my daughter was taken care of from that point on. Things continued to get worse with the drinking but I stopped going with him ever. And he was still appreciative and loving to me. He thanked me every night for dinner with a kiss. Still cuddled with me in bed. But after a while that stopped too but not til we move. In 2010 we moved to our current house. We moved early and I paid two months rent at our apartment so as not to break the lease because had enough bad history, and then paid first last and deposit for our current house. After moving here, things just got out of control. I don't know what happened or when exactly it got to the point where I stopped loving him but it happened. I mean between 2010 and now at the end of 2012, somewhere in there I stopped loving him because of everything. I mean he got worse. He started to verbally abuse me all the time and then he started getting a bit physical but really only shoving and what not. The second time he ever laid hands on me was also my fault. Every time he comes in the kitchen while I'm cooking I grab a spatula and pretend to hit him with it because he's trying to eat the food instead of wait while meanwhile the kids have been waiting and they understand less. This particular time, I grabbed a spatula that had a metal end and a plastic handle. Needless to say the metal part came off the plastic handle and it sliced his cheek open right below his eye. Could have been so much worse, thank God it was not. But he doesn't see the piece still in my hand nor does he believe my "are you ok" that I immediately asked in shocked disbelief and so he immediately charges me and goes straight for the next and pushes me up against the wall. But that's about all that happened.
From there it was just more shoving over the months. And the verbal abuse got so bad. I started hating the person I was becoming. And we were growing further apart. The cops had been called on him twice during this time. Once when he got into a fight with my dad because of his stupidity at drinking and driving and then just leaving me there because I wouldn't get in the car with him. The other time my parents called the cops because he shoved me while I had our then 1 year old daughter in my arms. I did nothing to him them. And that all started over two dogs we never should have had. He was beating up on the dog and my family started beating up on him and my mom who never speaks up told him she was leaving because of him and that just pissed him off.
I didn't like the person I was becoming because of him. Nothing but stress and I started gaining weight. I was disgusted with myself. All I ever heard from him was mean things. He would call me all sorts of degrading names, he was completely disrespectful of me and everything, never appreciated anything. It was just too much and so I decided in the beginning of 2012 that I had had enough. I hadn't been in love with him for some time now. I started making changes in myself and making plans for the future without him. I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried to just live a civilized life for the sake of the kids and not care about everything and hoped things would stop but they didn't. He only continued to get worse. So I made even more plans for myself and my children. The only problem is there is a child support agreement that says he gets his every other weekend. I can't risk him having our daughter alone because he is so immature and drinks too much and doesn't think. No he wouldn't hurt her on purpose but he sure as hell would drink and not think straight and so I continue to stick around for now.
I also worry I don't really have a lot of proof. I really don't. I have my word against his and then my kids who see things and hear things but they are young so not reliable witness in this. I hate to bring my kids into the battle. So the only proof I have is from the night my friend came down. Of course as always he was drinking and I just ignored it and did my own thing with my friend when out of nowhere he starts calling me names. So I went outside to park my car and he comes running outside to block me from parking and starts hitting my car and when I get out, he shoves me against my truck. My friend caught this on camera. They should have called the police as they said. Probably would have been for the best even though I was just as much angered and provoking him at that point.
So what do I have against him really is my thoughts but my Attorney insures me that they specialize in this and always win. But I still worry. So what are my plans at this point? Well, my first plan is to come up with the $950 for my Attorney for the moment I walk out the door or tell him to because that pays for the temporary order keeping him from my daughter unsupervised and the start of the actual custody battle. Sometimes when I think about it I feel terrible because my goal is not to take him away from any of my children though when it comes down to this point he wouldn't even try to see my other two because they are not his though they feel like he is their daddy. He's the one who has been there since my oldest was 1 1/2 years old and I was just barely pregnant with my son. Until last year, he was the only daddy my son even knew and the only one my daughter really remembered. If there were a way to leave peacefully without a custody battle I would take it. He's always welcome to come any time to see the kids. I just don't want him to be alone with them for weekends or anything for their safety. And I know he wont agree to that so I have no choice. But I don't have the money yet and so I just deal with him still until I have it. I mean once I tell him to leave I have to have the money for court as well as the money for rent. At the beginning of the year, I finally get hired on permanent for the company I have worked for the past 6 months. The pay will be great. Not to mention I already make enough to get by even paying rent. At that time I'll have extra money for saving and I'll be going back to school again. I'll have two degrees at the end of two years. So really everything is finally starting to look up for my family. It's been a very hard past 5 years but I've made it through. And that's what matters. Now if I can continue to avoid the conflicts such as the ones from the past weekend that happened, I'll be great. I've not got much further to go and I know I can do it. I still feel terrible because I know I will hurt him and I don't believe it giving pain to someone but this I cannot help as it's my daughters safety regardless of how he's treated me. But another weekend like this past and the cops will be involved and it will be over just like that and I will be left to struggle the last two months. But I just cannot take it anymore or subject my children to that.
You're probably wondering what happened this past weekend. Well, he told my daughter to jump off his car and that he would catch her. She trusted him and he didn't and she landed on her side. He refused to let me have her after he hurt her and that's caused an argument between us and he just dropped my daughter to the ground and charged after me taking me to the ground. He always goes for my neck. I had tons of red marks but only one scrape whereas he ended up with claw marks on his neck and I punched him in the eye. After that things just continued to escalate and I saw a side of myself I have never seen as well as showed it to him. I reacted in a way I have never ever reacted to anything. But when you involve my children, you're going to hear it. I didn't even really raise my voice much but even my voice showed signs of the stress the next day. And all the while I'm worried about my cousins kids as well. It's just so much but I know I'm strong enough to get through these last two months and I just pray every day for the strength to keep going through it. My family doesn't even understand why I'm here. I try to explain to them that without money I'm stuck because there is a child support agreement that says he has weekend rights and I can't protect her if I'm not there.
I must say, these are only the most important events of this time. But it has been so bad for so long and I'm to the point of breaking as I just cannot stand up alone in the same home as him any longer. I'm ready for it to be over though at the same time, it's sad for all that is lost. You cannot make someone love you. And you cannot make someone see their bad choices and the mistakes they are making. All you can do is try and try I did with all my might to make things work. At this point, I don't believe there would ever been hope again for us. I just cannot change my thinking on him just like he cannot stop his drinking. If he could stop his drinking things might change. But that wont happen. Just like him trying to pretend to be loving now after so long not, just will not change my view of him. Sometimes you just have to keep moving on no matter how hard it is. And that's what I'm doing!
-Amanda Kay
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