Because of the past years of my life and the fact that I devoted myself to someone so fully and promised I'd never be the cause of a failed relationship again, I decided I did not want to be with anyone. You see, I never thought I'd be married and divorced before 25 and then in another failed relationship. So after two, I decided I just wanted to be alone. At least for a while. You see I want to be very independent to where if a man decides to be a part of my life he is more than welcome to and I will not allow him to take care of me financially nor will I need him to. So I made up my mind to just get away, be single, get where I wish to be with my life with my children and then welcome any man who decides he might like to be a part of it.
On October 12th, I met someone. I didn't think anything of it. It was someone I had messaged on September 28th in search of an old friend from way back in elementary school. I'll never forget him. His name was David Moses. He was my best friend. And then one day he was gone. He had obviously moved but at some point came back for a short time but in the end was gone again. I've searched for him on many occasions and never been able to find him. Each time I search I came across the same person not thinking it was him. But after several times I decided to send a message anyways to see if just maybe it is him. It obviously wasn't but, instead it was an amazing man with the same name. I didn't think anything of it but we started talking and of course I naturally fell in love with this sweet man who really is so much like me, though it's not the type of love you're thinking. Now I have this strong connection with him to the point where I can sense when something is wrong without even really knowing. It's kind of scary because I have no intentions of being with anyone or loving anyone for a long time but yet I feel so strongly about this person. Now I find myself with mixed feelings because honestly I don't know what to do. I'm just not good at this anymore. So many failed attempts at love and relationships and right now I just want to focus on getting my life back together and where it should have been a while back. You see, ever since I moved in with this guy I share my home with in 2009, I've lost my job and struggled with everything financial because of it. After changing my attitude towards everything and making my ultimate goal to get away, I've finally found a great job which should be permanent next month. So now my dilemma is to keep my heart out of a mess and on my ultimate goals. But honestly you can't mess with love and love will always find away when you least expect it and do not search for it. And you know what. Though a very short time, I do totally love him in a way! He's given me things to think about in how life is and how people cross our paths the way they do.
-Amanda Kay
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