People Change, or Do They?

It's been a little while since I've written here. I have many things to say however life gets busy and things happen that you don't expect and well you just end up not getting to it. Or you also have things to say that have nothing to do with the whole reason you finally started this thing in the first place. 

So like I said, It's been a while!

People always tell you they will change. But not till they are losing everything they thought they would never lose. You see, sometimes what it takes to get people to realize the severity of the situation is to basically lose all. The problem is, sometimes this occurs too late because like in my own situation you wait and you wait and you wait for that right moment hoping that in the end you wont have to go through with it. And then when you do, it's a sad day for all including yourself because you prayed so much, tried so hard and did everything you possibly could to save the relationship. But no matter what you said or did or whatever, you just couldn't get through to that person and when only one person tries, you really just get no where. 

Once it's said and done and that person realizes that you were serious, you never expect them to change. I mean people say that all the time but most every time in the end they change temporarily and then they go back to their old ways again before you know it or as soon as they have you back. 

You know, I always wondered if I would ever meet someone who cared enough about me that they would chase after me if I left. The problem is, I never thought anyone would. I for sure never would have expected the one person who made it so clear they didn't like me from day one, would be that person to chase after me. The one person I didn't want to chase after me did. Now I can't say that this person did it because he cares. I mean we had a life together. 6 long years, one beautiful little girl and two children who have grown up thinking this man is their daddy. But this person did chase after me even though I didn't want him to. And he did say that he would change as people often say when they are losing everything they had. But would he really change, did he really change? 

We moved back in together and still share a home. Just signed a new lease even because it was sign a lease or move and I just wasn't finding anything I wanted or that would work for us. Do I believe that he will or has changed? I can't really say at this point. But here's what I can say. I'm not the same person I was before. I will not put up with anything I do not have to. I am better than what he made me feel I was. I can take care of myself. I do not need him. And if he does even one thing wrong, he will be gone permanently. Now, what has he done since then? Well, he's changed. Will he stay changed? Only the future can tell. The difference between the past and now though is that I've learned from my experiences and he knows how serious I am. He knows that I WILL NOT put up with the way he was before. No one deserves to be treated that way and I will not allow it to happen again. 

I cannot say that I still love him. I cannot say that I ever will again. But we can occupy the same space without fighting and actually do things with the kids that we couldn't do before. All I can do is take each day as is comes. Now does this mean that every other person out there should follow in my footsteps? No it does not. It just simply gives them a look into something real and how things can turn out. People can go through hell and come out better than they were before. People can change. And things will get better. 

The important thing is to keep going. Never give up and learn from your experiences. Know that people make mistakes and don't always be so quick to give up because of it, instead work to fix it. Once you have exhausted all options then you do the one thing you don't want to do and that's let go. Even when it seems nothing will ever work for you. Look at me, every time something finally started to look up in the right direction, two or more bad things/set backs would occur in my life. It felt like a never ending ride where I was just stuck and could not get to where I needed to be. But look at me now. I'm going somewhere with my life and my kids are happy as am I. Good things do happen.

~Amanda Kay

A Past Expression In Writing

A weight that sits upon my chest!

    by Amanda Kay Lane on Monday, October 1, 2012 at 11:25pm

There are a lot of things that I used to let affect my view towards people. It's not how it sounds but being truly hurt by a best friend or a family member can be hard to forget. I know one friend who I didn't talk to for years. And one day it hit me that my actions were stupid. He was my best friend. There's a few people that I've had incidences like this with. And here lately I guess I feel the need to reconcile those actions and relationships. It's hard to believe that even after ten years one can mend the crack in a friendship. And honestly this is somewhat what has been weighing on me heavily these past few days. It's hard for me to express my thoughts as even thinking about them causes a lump to form in my throat and tears to roll down my face. Not to mention the fact that many people will read this who I may not want to but this is my wall and I have a right to share what I want. Though a lot must go unsaid. Lately I have felt this strong need to write. Not only to new people because I've always loved writing and receiving letters, but to old friends. I've surprised one or two already with letters they didn't expect as they hadn't heard from me in well over ten years. But there is still many more left to write though one is more important than all of them as it is the one that affects me the most. The thought of finding a moment to myself to be alone with my thoughts to put the words on paper is a difficult one. You see, first of all the content is upsetting and second, time to myself is hard to come by. I never knew one could be in the presence of someone and yet feel so alone at the same time. I sometimes think about asking myself what I did wrong. I've always been this happy, loving, caring person, always there to help others and offer my assistance when needed. So what did I do wrong? I know I've made my mistakes but I've also asked for forgiveness. But maybe I'm not being forgiven because there are others I have not forgiven though I have said I have. I didn't mean to not really forgive them. But over time I've come to realize I never really let go and it's still affecting everyone. It's not my place to judge those for their wrong doings. I can forgive them with the help of one more powerful than all, but I have to allow him to guide me. Have I done this? I don't know. I would like to think so but I don't think I really have. I know every time I've had a very burdening question or situation, someone has shown up with the answer. But I haven't taken it much further than that. Maybe that's my problem. I can make time. Though I'm so incredibly busy and feel like I don't have the time for anything, I really honestly can make the time as I do for all things that must be completed in my life. What's one more thing to add to the schedule. Just pencil it into my calender as I do all things important because I can't even remember them if I don't. As I sit here writing this, tears roll down my face freely while at the same time I worry that someone will walk into the room and see me crying and who knows what words will escape their mouth at that moment. But do I have an answer? Not one that I want to give....I have this deep longing to do so many things involving people who have been in my life and should still to this day be in my life...I have a headache now. I'm going to bed....At least I have partially expressed my inner most thoughts.....

~Amanda Kay

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." -Anais Nin

Past (regrets/mistakes/obstacles), Present (who you are/have become), Future (what you will be through experience)

Have you ever wondered...could I just walk away and forget the past? 

When I began the day today and I checked my Facebook to see how my friends were doing this morning, I saw the above picture and caption posted by a dear friend of mine. The words really got me thinking. You see, most people when they read those words they think how true is that! Most everyone wishes they could change something from their past, forget something from their past or whatever other option may be asked. But in reality would you go through with it if it were really possible? Think of this before you answer: every past experiences help to mold us into the people we are today. I personally like to think I’m a nice person and while I may give you a go to hell look, it’s really just a cover up to keep people from trying to get close to me. But if I hadn't experienced all the things that I experienced, I may not have been such a nice person in the end and I may not have ever developed this go to hell look. We are who we are and every little thing from our past helped to make us who we are. Without them we just wouldn't be the same. So while you may wish to forget something from your past, you should really take all the knowledge it has to offer you and learn from it. Be happy in the amazing person you are today and that because of that past no matter what happened, you are who you are today. You stood tall and strong through every obstacle that God has placed in front of you and you have learned from it. You might also take from this that through your perseverance, you know that never giving up is possible and rewarding and that no matter what life throws at you now, you will always be just fine. Just look at me. Look at all that I have been through. But then look at the type of person I am. I love people, I love helping others, I love bringing joy to the faces of others and just being happy. I may appear as though I'm mean at first but in all reality it's my way of protecting myself, my heart from the possible pain. You see, I care too much and I love too much and too deep and I fall in love easily with the people in my lives. And because of those things, I get hurt easily so I tend to push people away to save myself from pain. That's what people like me do. We are the nicest, most caring people and we get hurt the most and so easily and so we push away. And all of this is because of our past. Past experiences mold us and teach us everything we know. 

~Amanda

February 23, 2013

That was the day it all changed. It's been 5 weeks since then and I honestly still feel lost in everything. He's done what I never imagined he would do. He's become the complete opposite of what he has ever been. He now takes me seriously, he knows I won't put up with anything from anyone any longer. And so I allow him to be around the children. He continues to prove himself but I can't help but wait for that moment when he will go back to his old ways. He's tried to change before in the past and never been successful. He's always said one thing and done another. But I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because I know he has a good person inside him. The only problem is...he's trying to win me back. I don't know how to tell him that it's not what I want any more. Sure I could continue on this way should he choose to be the way he is being now, but I would still never have my full happiness because I just want to be alone with my children. I can't see the feelings I once had coming back. I will always care for and about him, but I cannot say nor do I think I ever will love him again. It's just been too long of the way it was. A person gets hardened by that type of treatment. 

I'm the type of person who loves people, loves being around others, love having friends, making friends and even having relationships with others. But at this point in my life...I just want to be me and my kids. And now I feel stuck. He's being good, I don't want to pay rent, but I don't want to be with him either. I just want to be happy. This is where you rely on God above to help guide you. That's where I'm at!

-Amanda Kay

Plans...

I never planned my life to be this way. After my last relationship failed...I promised myself I would not allow another to fail. I would not do anything to screw it up nor would I allow my partner to screw it up. I never planned to be married and divorced before I was 25. I never planned to be divorced ever in the first place. But things happen and we move on and face the facts of life and make the necessary adjustments and keep moving forward. Not matter what I told myself my next relationship wouldn't fail. And to sit here now and see how the last 6 years of my life has been...it's so hard. Some days are harder than others, especially being the beginning still (2 weeks in). I devoted myself to him. I loved him so much. I did everything to keep our relationship going. But at some point you must realize that, if the other person never tries, that it's going to end eventually. Not only that, but to be pushed away and hurt and disrespected and in front of your children...there is just no way that relationship will last. 

Today he asked a questions and I told him about the next tattoo I want to get. I want to get the music notes to the song Run by Pink wrapped around my ankle. I told him it's a song for my babies and he asked if he was one which in turn I asked him if I gave birth to him and he tells me that I brought smiles and laughter and happiness to his life which of course has set me off. For so long there has not been any smiles or laughter or even happiness in our home. And this saddens me even more because it shouldn't have been this way. I certainly didn't plan it this way nor did I work towards another failed relationship. 

I think it has really affected him but only time can tell that and I will still stand my ground and do what I need to do now and let a higher power guide me in the right direction. This is what I need to do. I cannot believe him as he's never kept his word before and he chose never to believe me and therefore this is how it has to be regardless of the fact that we just spent the last 6 years of our lives together. It's definitely true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. He's seeing it now. But now is too late. The love I once had is gone. All the years spent together almost feel like it was a waste of time. It's one of the hardest things to explain. The feeling you have after spending so much time with someone in the way that we did for it to be like this in the end. So many times I cried myself to sleep because I dreaded what was coming. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Despite how he treated me, I dreaded hurting him because I knew that deep down in him there is a good person that he lost somewhere along the way. And I most certainly knew it would be difficult on my children and he thinks it's hard not seeing them every day like before, well imagine me having to listen to them cry sometimes because they want to see him and he's not there. So many different things that no one will ever truly know. My inner most thoughts and feelings. The things that cause the inner turmoil that I push aside until late at night when I can't sleep and I am alone in nothing but candle light with my computer. Life goes on. Things must be done. And this is how I deal. I bottle it up and wish and hope and pray and then let it all out on screen. It's a constant inner battle. But each day, I get up with a smile on my face, love my children and keep putting one foot in front of the other and push forward while I battle alone at night...

-Amanda Kay

The First Time

I can't say I honestly remember when it all started. You see, we started dating not long after my ex husband just abandoned my daughter and I while I was 8 weeks pregnant and my daughter just barely a 1 1/2 years old back in 2007. Those were sad times really. But I met this great guy who helped me through it and it kind of went from there. He was already great really. And in 2009 we decided to move in together. My kids loved him. My son at the time didn't know his biological father as he had never met him and my daughter barely remembered him because she was so young the last time she saw him, so to them, this was their daddy. Not long after we moved in together he started with the verbal. It wasn't bad really. It was just here and there from time to time and all other times were great. He was so appreciative of everything. He even thanked me for dinner each night with a kiss. Things were pretty good between us. 

The first time he ever hit me...I was pregnant with our daughter. I should have just left then but I was pregnant and not thinking straight and didn't know where I would go. But that night, it all started out stupidly. Every bit of abuse I ever endured from him was when he was drinking. This one particular night him and his nephews decided to play with this airsoft gun that was broken but still worked. It was someone elses turn but he wanted another turn and was not going to let them have the gun. He was only about a foot in front of me with the gun behind his back when it went off not 5 inches in front of my face. So you can imagine what it felt like when the pellet his my lip and busted my lip. And then imagine being pregnant while this is happening and then he just stands there like a dumb ass and looks at you. After everyone else has already ran to get you a napkin for your bleeding lip, he just looks at you and then finally asks if you're ok. Of course your not ok. Due to his stupidity you've been shot in the lip with an airsoft gun not five inches from your face and you're pregnant. Any number of other possibilities could have occurred with the tiny pellet  and you were lucky it was just your lip. And on top of that you are emotional from pregnancy and so when someone stands there like a dumb ass and then finally asks you if you're ok when you're fighting to hold back tears because of what happened, you can expect their response to not be the nicest thing in the world. Now all I said was "No you idiot, I'm not ok, I just got shot in the fucking face." But that's all it took to set him off at that time. He grabbed me by the arm and said we're leaving all because I called him an idiot in front of his family. He was mad at me now and acting like it. Disrespecting my property and disrespecting me verbally. My reaction to him spitting in my car at this point was to smack him upside the back of the head because I'm mad and he's going overboard with everything. Well, that was the wrong thing to do. I never should have let my emotions get the best of me because after that he backhanded me across the mouth and busted my lip again. You can imagine what I looked like at this point and the following morning. But I stuck by him because I felt it was my fault. I mean I shouldn't have been hitting him either but I was pregnant and mad. Sure that doesn't give him the right to hit me, but I just left it at that. I promise you we didn't have another incident like that until we moved several months later. For some reason, he started to drink more and more and with that he became worse and worse. He never so much hit me as he did verbally abuse me. Some may think being verbally abused is nothing but in all reality it can be just as bad only mentally. You eventually start to believe the things they tell you. You start to hate yourself and you become unhappy and you just take it. But the more you take it the more they do it and they say some of the most awful things you can imagine. Can you imagine being told you're a fat ugly whore and then being forced to have sex with them. Think about how you would feel in that situation and then tell me it's not abuse.

I don't know why he was like this. I really don't. I just know that something happened and he continued to get worse. He didn't appreciate anything either. So when I planned to leave him, I expected him to be upset. I tried to tell him for so long that I was leaving. He would start drinking and I would even tell him he was going to regret everything when I left. His response was always "OK whatever" or "Yeah OK" and that was is. So you can imagine how surprised I was at his calm reaction. But at the same time I knew he would be terribly hurt by the situation. But is that really enough to change someone? They say you never realize what you have until it's gone. Maybe that's more true even to people like him, then we realize. I say this because he has completely shocked me. Sure, it's only been a week but you can see a dramatic change in him. And honestly I know that deep down he is a good man. But somewhere along the way he lost himself and I suffered because of it. He begs me to give him another chance, but that is just impossible. You can't after so long believe that in one weeks time someone will change forever. They have to prove it, really prove it before you even consider another chance. And even then, you're not going to just wait around for them. You're heart just is not in it. The love you had for that person is gone. You will always care for them but you no longer love them and you don't know if you could ever love them again. But we cannot predict the future so we cannot say what the future holds for that person in your life. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson. I mean look at him. He's lost everything that meant something to him and even his family is telling him it's his own fault. Even if you can imagine losing someone you love and know you can go on without them, try to imagine losing your children. That is much harder to live without. Maybe, it's enough to change someone. It still does not mean that I will go back. And even if I did, it would not be till much later down the road. I have lived in misery for far too long. I will never put up with it again from anyone. And I've made it very clear to him that right now, I will be alone. He can make his changes and try to win me back over all he wants, but that does not mean that I will come back, not even in the future. But my focus that I try to get him to see, is on the here and now. And now, I need to be me and be happy with my children and find my true self again. A happy mother means happy children and my children deserve happiness in their lives. I can't say I don't feel bad for him or that I'm not sad. I've definitely done my share of crying over it. But that's a part of the process. Change is and always will be hard. But getting through it will only make you stronger and along the way you will learn so much about so many things including who you really are. To anyone who has been down this path or is going down this path...never give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone. The road will be so hard to travel. Possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Just look at me. Married and divorced before I ever even reached 25. I went through hell being abandoned by my husband while 8 weeks pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old. I then proceeded to lose my job and my home and everyone moved away and I felt alone. After my son was born he had a heart defect that meant he had open heart surgery by the time he was 7 months old (and I was lucky it wasn't more serious than it was). And then from there on, it's been nothing but abuse from the one man I thought was the best thing for my little family. And that's just my life. That doesn't include the lives of the people close to me who have been through their own hells and I there the whole way helping them and fighting with them trying to be strong and not let anyone know of my own troubles. Life can be hard but face each day with a smile and the attitude that it will get better and you will be ok. You will make it where you need to be. 

-Amanda Kay

Some of the Sweetest Thoughts

"I'm jealous of the moon
because she knows all of your 5 am secrets.

And your sheets who get to touch
every part of you as you fall asleep
while i'll keep a close eye on this empty pillow
waiting for your weight to keep it warm

But the sun,
he is the luckiest of all.
When you're half asleep, groggy
and painfully unaware of how
beautiful you look
he kisses your lips with light." ----This is something I feel strongly for someone close in my life.

Sometimes my heart aches for all the things that could be and the few things that should be and the things that never will be. Sometimes, my heart just aches. But while it aches, I have so much love to give and I give it to all those in my life. ---Deep down I knew we just couldn't be. There are just some things that cannot be that we must accept until a later date and time. It does not mean that it never will be, just that now is not the right now for it to me. That is where patience and love is key.

My heart says one thing my mind says another, I struggle so hard to put the pieces together but ones things for sure, I have more important things to tend to right now. It's out my hands for I cannot predict the future, I can only work towards the things I wish to be and let the almighty lead me where I should be. ---Again, it's just something that cannot happen at this time no matter what my heart says. I must accept that.

The feel of your lips still lingers on mine. The feel of that night keeps crossing my mind. I long for more, I just can't get it out. The sweetest embrace one might ever feel, there for a moment then gone with the wind for that's how it works in the life of my friend... ---You are the sweetest person I've ever met. We'd be truly happy together I know this as do you. But we both know that sometimes we cannot have the things our heart truly desires. There is a time and a place for everything and right now is simply not our time. But it does not mean that we cannot be friends. It may be hard at first but in the end, it may just bring us closer together for when our time comes. I know we did not plan it this way but things happen every day that are out of our control. But it's the sweet memories and the future possibilities that we have to hold on to. 

---As I'm sure you can tell, this has a lot to do with love between two people. My goal when I set out to leave the man I've spent the last 6 years of my life with was to just be alone and not need anyone. This is just something that I need to do regardless of everything else. I need to know that I can do it by myself and that no matter what I  will always be ok. Well I was always ok and would always find a way for everything but now I am ok financially and not needing to depend on anyone to care for my children and myself. So I had no intention of falling for anyone else. But the heart cannot help itself but to give and receive love. And that's exactly what my heart has done though it couldn't have happened at a more inappropriate time. You see, I've not even yet settled myself in any specific location. I'm still house hunting. You see, I have to be sincerely happy with whatever decision I make. For my happiness contributes to my children's happiness and allows me to live our lives more stress free. But in this process my heart has chosen to love another person even if from afar. For you see, I've expressed my feelings to this person and this person feels the same for me however due to certain circumstances which I cannot share, we cannot have a relationship with each other at this time. Does that mean that we cannot have one another in the future? No. It just simply means that now is not our time. The good thing is that I know how to keep the two things separate and have a friendship with him in the meantime. And that is what we are going to do. It's sad and it sucks that it has to be this way but we cannot help the things that have occurred in this past week and so we must accept the facts for this time.

On another note, I cannot say that this whole process has been easy because it most definitely has not. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's what I have to do. I've cried and cried some more. And I'm not done crying yet but I know there is a time and a place to allow such a thing. I have yet to make up my own mind in what I want to do from here even. It's just not an easy decision. I thought I had an apartment which I did. But everything kept going wrong with that to the point that once I signed the lease and went to finally walk the apartment...I walked in and there were roaches everywhere. That for me was the final straw. I couldn't stay there and was forced to break a lease that was only a day old. It was just the last sign I needed to know not to go there. So I'm back at square one searching for a new place to live. Searching for that perfect place and even thinking of possibly moving further than I wanted to in order to be closer to my job. You see, where I'm living now with my new hours, I just cannot get to my children on time and I'm using so much gas in the process, so it only makes sense to move where my work is and get the kids into a new school and go from there. It's a process but I have a month to make my mind up whether or not I'm going there or staying in the house I've been in and just repairing it. And that is where I am currently stuck. But, you know what! I'm much happier. Still stressed at this time but much happier already. And that is what truly counts.

Whenever life knocks you down, get up and keep moving. Push forward, find an alternate route, but never give up and never stop. So long as you keep moving you will eventually get there and will always have help along the way. 

-Amanda Kay

Big Changes

The day has finally come in which I have chosen to make that big move. I will say that I worried about it constantly. I worried about whether I was doing the right thing in the right way. But I could not dwell on it long. The day to move was available, the people to help were available and so we moved my stuff while he was at work. Our plans didn't work out the way we had originally planned but over all we still got everything out and put in storage and I had a place to stay until my apartment was ready. I had some of the most wonderful people there to help me and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them. The hardest part of the day was telling him that I had moved out. How do you tell someone you just too everything you owned and left? It's not easy when you've spent the last 6 years of your life with that person. But it had to be done. 

This past week, has been difficult. I've stayed in an extended stay hotel. I've talked to him every night. At first he says, are you sure you want to do this because this is your last chance. Then the next day and so on after he says he misses the kids and I. He says he realizes how badly he fucked up now that I'm gone. What he doesn't realize is that he waited too long to realize that. I tried every day to tell him. I care a great deal about him for so many reasons. But I do not love him any more. It's hard to love someone who constantly disrespects you for 4 years. I warned him. But he did not listen. Sure maybe now he realizes how serious I am and have been and will make those needed changes. Unfortunately it will not bring me back. I will be here and in his life, but it will never be the same. I mean I can't predict the future but in my life we don't go backwards, we move forward. I'm going places with my life. I'm finally able to take care of myself financially along with my three children. I don't need anyone but myself. From here on out, it's all want, never need. 

This hasn't been easy on me. I never give up on anything. But sometimes with some things, there comes a time when you have no other choice. When it involves someone constantly disrespecting you, making you feel ugly and turning you into an ugly person, you can't continue that way. I've been miserable for some time now. No one would have ever guessed it if I hadn't told them. That's just me. I prefer happiness and positivity. Even in the few hours of sleep I've managed to accrue this week, I've still been me, happy and enjoying my day and the people I spend it with. There is still a long road ahead, but it can only go uphill from here. 

I must honestly say that at this moment, I'm at a loss for words as I've got a great deal on my mind. Tomorrow I move into my apartment which has been a disaster from the beginning. It's so small compared to my house. I miss my house already and I've only been out of it a week. But the landlord cannot repair it fast enough for me to get back into it. So I must say goodbye to my big home with a back yard, great neighbors and perfect location. By this time next year my goal is to own my own home. And I have every intention of achieving that goal. 

All we can do is keep looking up. You plan to move in and get told you can't, then you make arrangements. You go to walk your apartment and find roaches, you make arrangements. No matter what the obstacle, you keep pushing forward, making appropriate arrangements. Do this and nothing can stop you. 

-Amanda Kay

Love...Life...Relationships...Battles...

I was willing to give my all...

But you were willing to make me fall...

Now I stand here strong and tall...

While you watch as you lose it all...

-Love Me

Love is truly blind. It does not see age, nor color, nor anything else. It just simply is. -- Sometimes you may find yourself falling for someone you least expected. That is how love is. It is not a number, it is not a color, it is not anything but simply love; one of the greatest feelings in the world.

We can't help what our hearts feel and what our minds think. We can fight it all we want but that won't change what is. Just don't let it run your life. That's all I can tell you on that one. -- When you feel something, embrace it and enjoy it. But don't let it consume you and affect your life from day to day where the smallest wrong thing said can make a bad day. 

Some days are harder than others but if I can keep my mind on the positives, everything will be ok. Unfortunately my mind does not know what to do and my heart does not know what to feel. That is the battle within... -- Sometimes you may find yourself riding that roller coaster of life and it may seem like this particular day is much harder than the rest. Allow yourself a moment to think about the reason this may be and then learn from it and move on keeping in mind that you can and you will. Positive thinking is key.

I guess by now we should face the facts that there are some things in life we will never have no matter how bad we want them. -- You ever wish for a fairytale love story of your own? Keep dreaming if you expect it to be anything like what you see in the movies. While we can all have our own fairytales, it will be uniquely ours. And when it's our turn it will be amazing. 

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. -Ellen Burstyn -- This speaks volumes to myself personally. I was always afraid of being alone when I grew up. I was never the popular kid in school. I had my select friends and that's how I liked it. I like to build relationships with people, I care about them and give of myself completely. I was also this girl that a lot of boys would say is ugly and I mean that. I don't know how many times I could meet someone and so long as they didn't now what I looked like, they were happy to talk to me. They would insist they would be different from everyone else, which I knew all to well they wouldn't but if they really must know then what the heck, and so I would allow them to see me and of course I Would hear those same words "you're ugly" that I always would hear. So naturally I expected to never be loved by others and my dream of a family would never happen. But once I found someone twice, both times I was hurt and my most recent as you can see, has been a battle every day. And I never felt so alone in my entire life, not even when I really was alone. Just goes to show that being alone isn't as lonely as it may seem.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-tzu -- Moving forward in your life from such a hard time can be difficult. It may seem like it's the longest journey you will ever take. But to just begin that journey is key and it only takes one single step to do so.

I've always been afraid of losing the people I love. Sometimes I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid to lose me. -- These words could not feel more real to me. It goes back with the whole fairytale thing. You see, you hear of people who love so much and you long for that same feeling. For someone to care so much about you that they would chase after you or that they are afraid of losing you. It's that need to be loved as much as you love the ones in your life.

Stop looking for a partner. Focus on your goals and rebuilding your life. The right person will eventually find there way to you. -- This too is so true. Since turning my life around in the right direction, making that choice to make the changes needed to be where I want to be, I have found that I personally am so much happier. I don't even wish to have anyone by my side but to just be me and with that I have found so many people finding me who want me in their life because of who I am. And I didn't even have to look. The hard part is knowing, believing, and doing this. We preach it but hardly do. I finally found my strength to do and with it I found so much love and happiness from many.

Sometimes you have to run from the people you love, not for the sake of letting them realize your worth, but for you to realize your own worth. -- You have to know your own worth in order for someone to value you. If you don't know, you allow them to treat you with less, and it can bring you down. Know your worth. I know I've finally realized mine and I wont take less than what I deserve and neither should you.

And my final thoughts on others in our lives:

If they truly care, they will make the effort no matter how busy they are.

We build walls to protect ourselves but sometimes someone comes along who manages to squeeze through a tiny crack in that wall and win us over. Once they have us, they stop trying and we end up caring too much while they care too little and we suffer in silence. But after a while, we become numb and when that happens, the opportunity (though we don't realize it) for another better individual to come along, opens up and before your know it, your heart skips a beat for another and the cycle starts all over again. One of these times, that individual will be the right one and in the meantime you learn what you do and do not want and how to be more picky in your decision of who to spend your time and your life with. The journey to that point though, is one of the hardest you will ever travel.

-Amanda Kay

Love

Love...aside from what we feel for our children, how do we truly know if we love someone in such a way that we should try to spend our lives with them? Love is like a fairly tale really. How often does anything in a relationship really happen the way we wish it to. Sure I'm being down about this but, to me, the way I see it...there comes a time in life when we must accept and face the fact that there are some things in life that we will want but will never have or experience no matter how bad you want them. 

I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a love out there aside from the love one has for family and friends. I personally love so many people. But others wouldn't call it love. But the love I wish to feel for another and from another, I do not believe I have yet to feel. The closest thing to it was my first love who is now one of my best friends. But I just want to be single. I want to be me and be happy and not worry about love. But yet I yearn to feel loved by another. To have that companionship. To have someone who will text me or call me just because or someone who will chase after me when I'm upset and took off versus just letting me go. All these fairy tale things. Sure they say, if he loves you he will make the effort, but how often does anyone really make the effort. 

So I say this...give me a place to live and give me true friends and I will bring the happiness. 

You are currently on my mind.

-Amanda Kay

Take Your Life Back

I'm making changes in my life for the better for several reasons. One - for my kids as they only deserve the best. Two - because I'm tired of the negativity and what it does to me. Three - because I miss me and I'm ready to get her back. Four - because I much prefer happiness to misery. Five - because I'm going places with my life and family and I don't need anyone holding me back. The reasons go on. One should never have to dread going home each day or dread the fact that a weekend of approaching and even more so when the weekend ahead is 3 days versus the normal 2. One should not have to live in fear of the day that the one person they live with will snap on them. Or that their children will grow up seeing bad and feeling the negativity all the time. 

The life I have lived the past 4 years is nothing like me. I'm one person when I'm not at home - the me I've always been. And then I'm someone else when I'm home - someone I dislike and would never choose to be. And so I started making changes all those months ago. Changes for the better. This year is going to be my year. Things are happening and falling into place. I'm not the same person I once was. I now what I deserve, I know what I want, and I will fight for my rights. I will not allow this to continue any longer. My search is proving difficult but I will succeed. I have friends and I have family and I have my three beautiful children and those things push me forward each and every day. 

Sure it could have been worse. He could have physically abused me every day. But that does not make the verbal abuse and the few times he did get physical, any less painful or real or any easier to deal with. Abuse is abuse and no one should ever have to go through it. I often ask myself what I saw in him when I met him but then I look at how he is with other people. He's not the real him. He puts on a show for everyone. But behind closed doors, he's a monster who has done his best to ruin my life. But he will not succeed. I will stand tall and strong and I will get through this. 

-Amanda Kay

Not Always Easy

It's not always easy! Sure I may appear as if I'm the strongest woman in the world. But in all reality I have my moments of weakness as well. You see with me, I always think ahead of all the possibilities and the what wills and what can's and what I don't wants. I just can't help myself. I'm a very organized person with well thought out plans. Right now...my weakness are emotions involving my children and this move. 

You see, months ago I decided to make this move for the better. What person in their right mind would even stick around as long as I have? I mean seriously! Well I did. I believed, I loved and I worked hard at my relationship despite all that he's ever done to me. The pain goes far beneath the surface. There's not just the battle wounds but the emotional scars as well. I once loved this man very much. Honestly, I thank him every day for my son being here. You see, when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I lost everything. My then husband left me and lied about it. My cousin left me for Mexico for her baby, my best friend left me for a man who didn't love her and in the end I lost my job and then my home. That's a lot to lose all at once when you're 8 weeks pregnant and raising a 1 1/2 year old. So yeah I took it pretty hard. I'll never forget the way my daughter was. It was like she knew entirely too much for such a young age. She became deathly afraid of all men. She was even terrified of a simple knock on the door. She would run screaming bloody murder and hide behind me holding on tight. It was the saddest thing I ever watched. Even now I have to wonder how much of that she remembers. Supposedly you can't remember from that age but I have memories from that age of myself. And my daughters reaction to her daddy going out of town for a weekend thinking he's never coming back is painful and makes me remember that day her bio daddy left us. But now, she's 7 1/2 years old and her daddy has been in her life since she was 1 1/2 years old. Not to mention I have two other children who knew no other daddy but him since before they were born. My son never met his bio dad until he was 3 1/2 years old. He's now 5. My daughter didn't see him again either. Sure I told them about him and they became curious and he got remarried and finally decided he wanted to try being in their lives again. 

All the same, I've been through a lot with this man. And it wasn't all bad. I don't know what happened really but I know that I cannot do it any more and I say I don't love him any more but I will always have a love for him. We've been through too much together. I just know that I cannot go through this any longer. I'm unhappy here. I honestly dread the journey ahead but yet it's all thought out. And it begins with me moving. Of course I have to tell him before then. I've tried many times because I don't want a bad relationship with him. But I don't think he gets it or he would have left when he realized I was serious and told him to move out. 

I've never given up on something before. But this time I have to. I mean you can only try for so long. How long is too long before you need to move on? How much pain do you have to go through before you finally say you're not going to take it any more? That's where I'm at a little over 6 months ago. I thought maybe we could just make it work here as roommates but he just doesn't get it and of course continues to be the way he is with me. It's nothing but heartache for me. I care so much for him and I don't want to do this but I cannot be with him any more. I just can't. And can't is not a word I use often. 

So I made a plan. I searched for a place (since he wouldn't leave and in all reality the landlord is a slumlord and doesn't take care of the house and I simply cannot afford the amount of work it needs), I found a place, I applied, I got denied, I applied to the next and I just got approved today. I felt like it was taking for ever. Honestly I thought I'd have been moved on the 12th and it would have been easier on me. The longer I wait the more time I have to think about it and it's so painful even though I have to do it. I think the hardest part is not so much the leaving him but everything else. The effect it will have on my children. I know they will be sad and I know they will get over it. They see the things he does and know it's wrong. Just ask my kids about their daddy and outside and they'll tell you all about how he's mean to mommy when he's outside. It will also be a big adjustment for them. Leaving their home, leaving their neighborhood, not having their best friend they grew up with right next door any longer, and of course not having their daddy there every night anymore. All changes that will occur. And then my youngest has to be drug into a custody battle. I wish there were a way I could make him see that it doesn't have to be this way but there is no way and so it will be this way. He makes everything more difficult. I don't wish to stop him from seeing his daughter or the other two in any way. But I do not wish to risk my childs life by allowing him to have her alone and then my other two not understand why he doesn't want to have them too because he wont because even if he cares he knows they are not his and he has no right. Not that I would stop him had he been a decent man. And so I am forced to proceed with a custody battle which will only anger him more. There is just no way around it. 

I know that once I get out and can return to my full happiness that I've always been, I will be ok. Sure I will cry allot at first because of everything. My kids will struggle and I will be in pain knowing that I had to do this because there was no other way. But over time it will subside. I'm a strong person. I made it through the first time, watched my son have open heart surgery at seven months old and have made it through everything else thus far, so I know I can make it through this. But it does not make it any less difficult to do. And until it is done, I cannot be complete as this weighs on my heart so much more than anything ever has. 

So I sit here fighting tears, and I just pray for the strength and guidance I need to continue to push forward and make it through as I know I can. It's like my tattoo says "Giving Up Was Never An Option" (my constant reminder) and it wasn't then and wont be now.

And it may seem like I worry about the little things such as the fact that I'm losing 700 sqft of space for the same three bedrooms. Or the fact that I now have to pay rent as well as all my other bills. But that's only in an effort to keep the really painful stuff...tucked away safely until the time is right to just let it take care of itself.

And so with that I leave you with a quote:

"Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." -Unknown

-Amanda Kay

Don't Quite

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When they might have won, had they stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

-printablecards.resources2u.com

" Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." -Unknown

An Older Friend 65 Years in Age

So I have this friend much older than I and he searches for that love to spend his life with. His other half. When I first met this individual I was not interested in his friendship because the e-mail he sent to me was so impersonal and I could tell. He must not have expected such a response from me and came back and it was back and forth for a bit til he finally showed his true self. Since then he has asked for my advice and I have given but now he is sad, alone and tired of waiting and looking but in my opinion he looks too hard. And I say that also from experience. 

This morning he tells me again of his failed search for a partner and wishes he could meet me in a coffee shop just to chat. But tells me I'm paying the bill and to be prepared to pay. In return I give him the following information of my own experience as well as who I am:

So I'm paying the tab. What a way to treat a lady. LOL

I am a lot more compatible to what you are looking for than most the people you find but unfortunately I do not have the time nor the want for anything. And honestly I did not want what found me. Funny to say that because before I was always afraid of being alone and thought I would in the end be alone. But I will not be alone I know. Though I do not need the one who has found me so it's strictly fun. But oh he is so handsome.

You know, I am like you, I believe there is more than just a pretty face. Granted people want to feel pretty and be told so and all that, but to judge a book by it's cover is a loss to the prospective reader in my opinion. Just a thought for sharing. So like this one who found me. I was searching for a best friend I had back in intermediate school. Some things that happened that bother me ever since the day they happened. He moved not long after that and then one day he came back and I saw him once but just like that he was gone again. Ever since then I just cannot seem to find him though I search for my friend many times. But it's like he never even existed. And yet along the way I came across another individual who has the same name. I chose to overlook him multiple times through my searches thinking no it's not him. But because it always popped up I decided to give it a shot like what the heck it wont hurt anything and with that I found love unexpectedly. Or rather love found me. I was not searching for love. Did not want or need love, but just wanted to find my friend and in the process love found me and oh how handsome he is on top of everything. He's like my perfect match. He's just like me. I can tell what he's thinking and how he's feeling from thousands of miles away. He's just like me in so many ways and every day I discover even more ways he is just like me. It's simply amazing to be honest. The weirdest thing of all is that he's just fixen to be 22 years of age. I've never been one to date those younger than myself because well I always felt the man should be older since women mature faster but you know, I just couldn't resist this one and so I find myself for the first time ever in the midst of a relationship with this one.

But I'm so many different things that I'm like you and yet like him and then just me. I love music, and writing, and photography, and everything else. I sing and dance daily most things I have to say. I capture everything I can in still images. And I write all words for people to see. That is who I am. But at the same time I am this mother, this friend, this caring individual so unique in my own way that none can match me. I love knowledge and share freely. I hear many things and jump right in if I hold the knowledge that is needed to answer the question or solve the dilemma or whatever the case might be. That is me. Along side of that is my sensitive side. The one who loves too deeply and care too strongly and gets hurt too easily because of it. If you had asked me when I was younger if that was even possible, I would have told you no. But now I know from many experiences that it is very much so. I've always given and given and given of myself and never take a single thing nor am I ever given any or offered anything from anyone.

Sometimes that makes me sad. I wish nothing more than to be wanted, chased after, cared about enough that one does the little things that mean so much to me but make no sense to him because that is what pleases me. Those are the things that I struggle with. This is me.

-Amanda Kay

Mixed Feelings

I have a lot of mixed feelings about what's happening right now. I can't help but feel that it is so wrong what I am doing. I mean maybe not what I'm doing exactly but the way I'm going about it. But it's like, I'm afraid to tell him for fear of his reaction. And I think he finally got it in his head that I'm serious and done with the drama. I just don't know how I would tell him if I did. I don't want it to be a complete surprise and shock in the end. That's likely to piss him off even more. But telling him could cause unnecessary drama now. I'm just the type of person that likes to do the right thing and doesn't like to hurt people. I wish there were some way I could just tell him and discuss it with him. I mean he knows I don't want to be with him any more. I think we were comfortable still living together there for a while but then he let alcohol take over and everything just escalated and I'm sorry but I just can't deal with it anymore. He even annoys the kids when he's been drinking. 

If he were a normal person, I could tell him that we need to separate. He can still come see his daughter as often as he likes. I mean that right there is practically giving him no responsibility aside from the child support he pays but yet still allowing him to be in her life just not alone. Sure if he can straighten himself up and stop the drinking and grow up, then maybe I could consider it. The problem is, it's not going to be that easy. I'm most likely going to have to go to legal measures which will completely ruin any relationship as mother and father of our child. That's just how he is. And once I'm gone, he'll drink even more like he used to before we moved in together. 

I really don't want to lie to him, but I mean what else can I do. I can blame part of my move on the house. Can tell him I'm just tired of this house because really I am tired of this house. Why? Well because it's old, the landlord refuses to do most repairs. The foundation is to the point where anything could go wrong at any time and half the house stays cold all the time during the winter and it's tile floor so that's like walking on ice, and then during the summer, it just stays hot. There's a vent in every room but for the kitchen, living and dining which is literally half the house, there are only two vents and they just don't provide enough and they take from the rest of the house. But in all reality, even telling him that, he' expect to move with me. But that's not possible. I don't even care if he stays the night at my new place from time to time because at my new place, it's MY place and MY rules and he wont be doing the same things. I just don't love him that way any more and don't want to be with him. It's his own fault for all the crap he has put me through. I've just reached that point where I've had enough. 

So, now I'm feeling like what I'm doing is so wrong and it feels harder and harder the closer the day comes. Although the day has yet again been pushed back further. I really don't know what to do on this....

On a slightly different note, my team at work loves me. Threw me a mini celebration at work on Friday for my birthday. Yep, I'm not old! LOL, I just feel old at 27. Here's a picture of me on my birthday with the cake, card and decorations from my team at work. =)

Signing Out!

-Amanda Kay

I Have A Heart

I've always been the type that cared too much for others. I share everything. I love too deeply and care too much. So many times I've been hurt because of this and heard my friends say "you care too much" but in reality I never thought one could care too much for anyone or any thing. But maybe I do. And I say that now because of my current situation. 

The man I share my home with and who has been in my life since 2007, is not always bad. When he's sober, he's actually a decent person. It's when he's drinking that he becomes the monster that has pushed me so far away that there is no return. And here lately, some of the things I have done and said I think have gotten to him as he has tried to be nicer. Kudos to him for the effort, but in all reality, it's a little too late for trying now. I mean, I've been pushed away and disrespected and hurt for so long now that I've developed this almost hate for him. And hate is a really strong word. I never hate anyone. I can have a strong disliking of them for whatever reason, but never hate. But with him, I find myself all the time almost telling him I hate him but I wont allow it for hate is a very powerful word. 

Here lately though, all that's happening has really been weighing on my mind. I'm ready for it to be over, but not ready for the battle I'm about to have to fight. I will fight it with everything I have though because my children come first before anyone ever will and he knows it. But I'm not ready for it and just keep praying that God will take the matter into his hands and not allow things to go the way I know they most certainly will. You see, with him, everything has to be his way or no way unless you want to be put through hell. And lately I've decided to choose going through hell over giving him his way. I stand my ground. It's so hard but in the end I think it has the most affect on him. But it doesn't change the fact that I am not ready for this battle that is coming so soon. You see, I know he loves his daughter. He really does. And for me to even consider taking away his time with her, is painful to him. Only he doesn't know I've considered or made plans to yet. His daughter is his world. But I just cannot risk him drinking with her and doing something stupid yet unintentional and her getting hurt. He knows I put my children before everything else and so it shouldn't come as a surprise how serious I am when I tell him I will fight. And I know it's only going to anger him more and truly hurt him like nothing else. Maybe this will be what truly changes him. I mean I made it clear to him that I no longer need him. I made it clear to him that he can move out now and that I wish for him to. And I made it clear to him that I will not be around when he picks up a beer because he doesn't know how to stop. And since that happening on Saturday he has changed his attitude. He even stated he wants a container to put money in every time he wants to buy beer and just save the money instead of buying beer. But to me, while he wants to make this effort, it's happening all too late. I just can't be here any more. I cannot deal with it or allow my children to see such things. And I would never take his daughter from him, but I wont allow him to have her alone. I must supervise. He is welcome to come to my home any night of the week to visit with his daughter. But he will not be allowed to take her. But unfortunately this wont go over well with him and so in order to ensure that I must make it legal and making it legal will only upset him more. 

Right now, all of this weighs upon my chest. I struggle with these feelings of being such an awful person to hurt him in such a way especially when I see him making an effort. But I just cannot do it any more and have to get away. Not only that but I know that he will always go back to drinking and that's where all our problems start. I don't know what happened to him to make him so bad, but I just cannot take it and will not take it any longer. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I mean, I do care about him. He's done so much for me since the day I met him. And like I said, he's not always bad. But the bad outweighs the good because bad is so much more powerful, that it has pushed me so far away, to the point of no return. All I can do now is pray for guidance....

-Amanda Kay